T. Novan - Words Heard In Silence / Xena Uber

Charlie looked down at himself, dressed in a dirty nightshirt, shoeless, and probably smelling a bit ripe since he had refused Jocko’s assistance in bathing. "Jocko, can you help me get cleaned up a bit?" Charlie looked pitiful, lost and confused, and very ashamed, but somehow more himself than he had been in days.

"It would be my pleasure. It is good to have my friend back. I did not much care for the fool who had taken his place."

Charlie was shaky, but game. "Neither did I."

--*--

Getting Charlie cleaned up was more of a project than either man expected. By the time they were through, he was shaved, smelled good, and was dressed in a loose pair of trousers, a shirt and his robe and slippers. He was also exhausted. But he was also determined to begin the process of making amends with his wife and daughter.

"Jocko, how am I going to get up the stairs? I can barely stand for a minute, let alone walk."

"Wait just a moment." Jocko stepped out of the office and across the hall to the kitchen, where he found, as he expected, Reg chatting with Sarah as they washed the supper dishes. "Reg, come with me for a moment." The two men essentially picked Charlie up in a sling made of their arms and carried him up the stairs to the door of the back parlor. "Well, Charlie boy, from here you are on your own."

Reg laid his hand on Charlie’s arm. "Wait a moment, sir." He scooted to the large umbrella stand by the front door and pulled out an old cane, left by some absentminded visitor years before. "This may help."

The two men stepped back from Charlie and watched as he cautiously knocked on the parlor door.

Rebecca looked up from little Charlie's slumbering face. She was cradling one son, while the other slept near by and Em slept on the couch. After her outburst and when Elizabeth finished with her hand, she had felt an overwhelming desire to be close to her children. "Come in."

Charlie opened the door and then switched the cane to his good hand. Slowly, he shuffled into the parlor, and then just stood there, looking at his family. He looked into Rebecca’s eyes, trying to find words. "I am so, so sorry."

She stood, being very careful of her son, and walked to Charlie. She was not sure what to say to him; a wrong word might set him off again. "I love you."

"I love you. I just did not know…… I think we need to talk." Charlie stopped, unable to continue in the face of his own overwhelming stupidity. "Can I sit down?"

"Of course." She smiled and moved so he could get to the closest chair. "I am sorry, too."

Charlie gingerly settled himself in the chair. "I dreamed you were there."

"It was not a dream. I was there." She sat down in the chair across from him, taking the time to place little Charlie in his cradle. "I came as soon as Elizabeth sent for me."

"Jocko said you did surgery on me."

"Well, I doubt Elizabeth would consider it surgery, but I did tend to your wounds, helping to get rid of some of the infection."

"So you have seen how bad it is?"

"Yes." She nodded, never taking her eyes from Charlie. She did not want him to think she was repulsed by him. "I have."

"And you do not find it repellant?"

"No." She moved from her chair and settled at Charlie's feet, gently resting her hand on his good leg. "I love you. What matters to me is that you are alive. That the war is over and you are home."

"I cannot be what I was."

"Which was? Do you mean to tell me that you can no longer love the children or me? That we can no longer have long talks and plan our future? Do you think so little of me that you think I base my love of you on the fact that you could run the circuit of my farm? I always wondered what sane person would want to do that anyhow." She gave a smile, trying to make him understand what was truly important to her.

Charlie bowed his head. "I have hurt you and Em very badly."

"Charlie, it is nothing that cannot be fixed. We have just been so worried about you. Em only wants her Papa. She thinks you do not love her anymore." Tears filled Rebecca's eyes. "She is just a little girl, she does not understand."

Very tentatively, Charlie reached his hand out to touch Rebecca’s shining hair. The soft texture between his fingers nearly broke his control. "I think, perhaps, you do not either."

"I want to, Charlie, but you have to be willing to talk to me. I cannot understand anything if you stay locked away in your office."

Charlie took a deep breath. "Rebecca, I know I may not deserve it, but I want to come home –– really come home. If you will have me and all of my melancholia and my overblown sense of honor."

"You are home. You always have been. You just needed to find it for yourself. I do not know what brought you from the office, but I thank God it happened. I love you, Charlie, and the children and I need you here with us."

"Well, beloved, you should be very nice to Jocko, who went out of his way to tell me exactly how big an idiot I have been."

"Then I will see to it he is properly rewarded. I know you have a long way to go, Charlie and I want you to know I am prepared to walk that road with you."

Charlie lifted the hand that was resting on his knee and raised it to his lips. Very softly and very reverently, he kissed her hand. "I love you, Rebecca. And I have found that I need your love and happiness more than anything in the world. For a while, I was willing to die in the hopes you would find someone to be happy with –– I thought that your cousin was courting you. Jocko made me realize that it takes a lot more courage to be willing to live so that you will be happy."

"That is exactly what it will take to make me happy. Do you know, if you had died, there would never have been another for me? In you, I have found my life and my love. You are all I want."

Charlie reached out to her and cupped her cheek in his good hand. "And you are all I ever dreamed of and more. I do love you, darling. I never wanted to hurt you. Can you forgive me?"

"Of course. I am just happy to have you back. Now if you are up to it?" She glanced to Em who was sucking on her thumb as she slept on the couch.

"Oh, Lord. Poor Em. Rebecca, how much have I hurt her? I heard her crying outside the door, and I tried to get to her, but I just could not –– I did not have the strength."

"I think all will be forgiven if you will see her now."

"Can you wake her for me? I would love to hold her, but I, um, well, just getting here pretty much took everything I have."

Rebecca smiled and moved to the couch, where she gently ran her fingers through Em's hair. "Wake up, my little darling, there is someone here to see you."

Charlie sat in his chair, smiling gently at his daughter. "Em? Come sit on Papa’s lap –– but be gentle, please."

Em lifted her head and a smile broke across her face. "Papa!" She climbed down from the couch and, with help from Rebecca and another warning to be careful of Papa, she was where she most wanted to be, in her Papa's arms. "Papa." She cuddled into him. Her weight on his injuries was excruciatingly painful, but he bore it with good cheer. Em’s well-being was far more important.

"Hey there, little one. How is my good girl?"

She did not respond. She just cuddled into his lap and kept saying, 'Papa' over and over again.

"I have missed you, imp. I hear tell you have been a very, very good girl."

"Em twy." She very carefully leaned up and kissed his cheek. "Love Papa."

Charlie hugged the little girl very close with his good arm. "I love you very much, Em. And I promise, you can come into my office whenever you want from now on."

"Papa see Chawy, see Andy?"

"Your brothers have been asleep, but I expect that Mama will introduce me soon. I wanted to see you, first."