Howard Jacobson: Pussy

‘Kolskeggur!’

‘That wasn’t because I wanted anything less for the despised and underprivileged than they did. I just described my outrage differently.’

‘Thereby making it about yourself.’

‘No, the very opposite.’

‘Are you saying I was making Spravchik’s crimes about me?’

‘That depends on what exactly you said and how you said it. But if you flew the flag of your emotions and showed your pain, then yes.’

‘Human rights are a flag to you?’

‘Well they will be to Fracassus. The very phrase affects members of his class the way a spade affects a garden worm. They might not be able to describe the weapon but they know they’re under attack from it.’

‘Silence is a recipe for defeatism.’

‘Well whatever war you’re fighting you already aren’t winning. Listen to what’s in the wind. May I speak my mind?’

‘Well it would appear I have spoken mine.’

Professor Probrius took a breath. Never a good sign if you were the interlocutor. ‘Every time you champion a special interest group you alienate those who fall outside it. That does make them illiberal. I don’t say be silent but I do say clean up your language. Change your precious cast of victims. Don’t make an enemy of anyone who doesn’t feel the hurt you do. Or just don’t give a damn.’

Dr Cobalt didn’t know why she suddenly felt peeved, but she did. ‘Do you know what,’ she said. ‘Why don’t you talk to the little prick your way and I’ll talk to him mine.’

Professor Probrius put up a hand of peace. Her way worked perfectly nicely for him. She might as well have been loading Fracassus up with sticks of dynamite. He didn’t want any harm to come to her. He hoped that if he listened to the wind he would know when the explosion was coming and would be able to whisk her away from it. But that didn’t mean he wasn’t looking forward to the bang.

Fracassus said nothing further to Dr Cobalt that day. She couldn’t tell what mood he was in with her. But he did leave his Kindle lying about – perhaps deliberately – and she noticed what he he was reading on it. Bear Grylls’ The Spirit of the Jungle .

The party remained in the country of the Numa for several months, though there was no further trip to the mountains. Fracassus continued to receive tickets for Spravchik’s television show and attended it religiously. On one evening the warm-up man’s role was taken by Spravchik himself. ‘Tonight you’ll have to put up with me in all capacities,’ he told the crowd who shouted and called his name. He must have been aware of Fracassus’s presence because he translated some of his funny stories into a form Fracassus could understand.

Between anecdotes he talked about the deviancy that was eating the heart out his country the way mice gnaw at a harvest. Homosexuality, he said, was against the will of god, whichever god you believed in. The Numa people, for example, before whose ancient wisdom he stood in awe, would throw any child showing homoerotic inclinations off the mountain. They could detect these inclinations in the first six months of the child’s life. And the moment they did – he made a motion suggestive of spading dirt into an empty grave – it was over the side with them. There was no hatred in this; it was all kindness. They couldn’t bear the thought of homosexual children going through life scarred by their unnaturalness.

‘Spravchik!’ the studio audience cried.

He had one more thing to say. For himself, he would rather have cancer than a lesbian for a daughter.

Spravchik! Spravchik!

Did he fling a smile – suggestive of spading dirt into an empty grave – at Fracassus?

Fracassus knew what he would tell Dr Cobalt should the subject of Spravchik’s violations of human rights crop up again. He would tell her that Spravchik was motivated by kindness not cruelty. He would tell her the minister was joking. And he would tell her to remember her place.

Some of the tweets Fracassus composed in the time he was Spravchik’s guest throw light on his feelings for the man—

May 4th

Great meeting with Vozzek Spravchik, television host extraordinary and Culture Secretary of this great country.

May 6th

Journey to mountains with Vozzek. Great view. The Numa present me with bead necklace. Lovely people.

May 6th

Vozzek says country can’t afford to go on looking after Numa people who drink too much. Sad.

May 9

Wrestle with Vozzek Spravchik Minister of Home Affairs and ‘Whistleblower’ host. I let him win.

May 11th

Rematch. I let him win again.

May 20

Go swimming with Vozzek. Someone pulls my shorts off under water. Great guy.

May 20

Person who pulls my shorts off not Vozzek but I think his assistant from ‘Whistelblower’.

May 29

I’m learning so much here. Could stay forever

June 7

Appalled to hear of violent demonstrations in my country. What do these people want…

June 7

…they have everything

June 8

Vozzek offers to send army to restore order. Classy guy.

June 17

Vozzek Spravchik’s daughter announces she is lesbian. So sad.

Eager to mobilize his forces though Foreign Secretary and Defence Minister Spravchik was, he didn’t again invite Fracassus to pick somewhere on the map for them to invade. Fracassus was disappointed. Had it all been just another tease? Nor did Spravchik send help to Urbs-Ludus where the troubles had apparently subsided as quickly as they’d begun. But he did say his country was constantly monitoring the situation and that Fracassus could rest assured that his parents were safe and calm. Fracassus thanked him for the reassurance but wondered how he came by his information. ‘By hacking into your father’s computer system,’ Spravchik laughed.

Joking aside – supposing he were joking – something seemed to be troubling the Minister. He could not see Fracassus without embracing him and then withdrawing from his company with a sigh.

Not counting Sojjourner – and Fracassus was no longer counting Sojjourner – Fraccassus had never been in love. So he didn’t know the signs. When Nero was in love he showed his feelings by raping the girl’s mother. But that didn’t help Fracassus in his current predicament. Was Spravchik in love with him or not.

Finally, on a horse ride into the Makindo Desert – Fracassus sitting behind the bare-chested Spravchik and clasping him tentatively round the waist – the Minister unburdened himself of what had been on his mind. He wanted a casino. Something memorable and monumental. And he wanted Fracassus to design it.

Was that all? Fracassus was disappointed. He’d hoped… but what had he hoped.

Of course he said yes.

Delighted, Spravchik proposed they toe-wrestled. Cholm was the world capital of toe-wrestling and an invitation to toe-wrestle the Culture Secretary was the highest honour the country could bestow.

Spravchik rode them to a natural amphitheatre, where fallen logs served for seats and two rocks, the distance of two men apart, were positioned like pillows. Spravchik told Fracassus to strip down to his unterhosen . Fracassus was embarrassed: his legs were fine but he rightly feared his pecs were flabby. Spravchik explained the rules. They would stretch their lengths upon the stony ground, lie right foot to right foot, then left foot to left to foot, pillow their heads upon the rocks, interlock big toes, and attempt to force the other’s foot into the flaming torches which Spravchik would now light. Best of seventeen throws. And damned be him that first cries ‘Hold!’ There would be no witnesses – Spravchik dismissed his servants.