Джон Леннон - Испалец в колесе (сборник на русском и английском)

«Вы хотите сказать, что она просто змеется без всякого провода?» — четко вопросил он. «Да, это так, отеческий викарий, — отозвался Ричард. — Утром, днем и ввечеру, все змеется и змеется, как сумалишенная». Викарий оторвался от своего вязания, посмотрел на него и разинул рот:

«Что-то следует сделать с этой жестьщиной, которая все время змеется. Так нельзя».

«Я действительно не поливаю, кого это канается, змеюся я или рыгаю, — вздохнула Араминта после долгой кляузы. — Вся штука с людьми, преподобный, в том, что они сами разучились, повторяю, разучились змеяться, — во всяком случае, это я так думаю».

Разувается, она беседовала с совершенно преподобным ЛАЙОНЕЛЛОМ ХЬЮЗОМ! Араминта оправилась к нему, надеясь, что он хоть немножко сможет помочь ей в бреде, ведь он всегда так распросранялся о помощи ближним, поэтому она и решила — отчего бы не попробовать? «Что мне вам сказать, милая вы моя, что мне сказать?» Араминта посмотрела на свят-щеника возмущенно. «Если вы не знаете, что вам сказать, то не спрашивайте об этом меня. Я пришла сюда попросить у вас помощи, а вы имеете наглость спрашивать, что вам сказать! И это все, что вы имеете мне соовощить?» — взревела она. «О, я понимаю ваши чувства, Саманта, у меня кузен в таком же положении — не видит ни фига без своих очков».

Араминта всторчала, приняла вызывающую дозу, забрала собственные зыркала и серьезно выбежала прочь. «Не удивительно, что к нему больше троих не приходят по воскресеньям!» — крикнула она по пути к небольшой кучке спивак.

Прошел год, или два, но заметных извинений в странном змехе Араминты не произошло. «Хи! Хи! Хи!» — так она продолжала сводить с ума и себя, и всех окружителей. КАЗАЛОСЬ, РЕШЕНИЯ ЭТОЙ ПРОБЛЕМЕ НЕ БУДЕТ! Так продолжалось восемьдесят лет, пока Араминта не умерла, змеясь. Но это мало помогло бедным соседям. Они-то все поумирали еще раньше — и над этим Араминта больше всего змеялась, пока не пришел и ее час.

Araminta Ditch was always larfing. She woof larf at these, larf at thas. Always larfing she was. Many body peofle woof look atat her saying, «Why does that Araminta Ditch keep larfing?» They could never understamp why she was ever larfing about the place. «I hope she's not at all larfing at me,» some peokle would say, «I certainly hope that Araminta Ditch is not larfing at me.»

One date Araminta rose up out of her duffle bed, larfing as usual with that insage larf peojle had come to know her form.

«Hee! hee! hee!» She larfed all the way down to breakfart.

«Hee! hee! hee!» She gurgled over the morman papiers.

«Hee! hee! hee!» Continude Araminta on the buzz to wirk.

This pubbled the passages and condoctor equally both. «Why is that boot larfing all the time?» Inqueered an elderberry passengeorge who trabelled regularge on that roof and had a write to know.

«I bet nobody knows why I am always larfing.» Said Araminta to herself privately, to herself. «They would dearly love to know why I am always larfing like this to myselve privately to myselve. I bet some peoble would really like to know.» She was right, off course, lots of peotle would.

Araminta Ditch had a boyfred who could never see the joke. «As long as she's happy,» he said. He was a good man. «Pray tell me, Araminta, why is it that you larf so readily. Yeaye, but I am sorly troubled sometimes when thy larfter causes sitch tribulation and embarresment amongst my family and elders.» Araminta would larf alI the more at an outburp like this, even to the point of hysteriffs. «Hee! hee! hee!» She would scream as if possessed by the very double himself.

«That Araminta Ditch will have to storp orl these larfing; she will definitely have to storp it. I will go crazy if she don't storp it.» This was the large voice of her goodly neighbore, Mrs Cramsby, who lived right next door and looked after the cats whilst Araminta was at work. «Takes a good deal of looking after these cat when she's at work — and that's nothing to larf about!»

The whole street had beginning to worry about Araminta's larfter. Why? hadn't she been larfing and living there for nyebevan thirty years, continually larfing hee! hee! and annoying them? They began to hold meters to see what could be done — after all they had to live with her hadn't they? It was them who had to always keep hearing her inane larftor. At one such meetinge they deciple to call on the help of Aramintas' boyfiend who was called Richard (sometimes Richard the Turd, but thats another story). «Well I dont know dear friends,» said Richard, who hated them all. This was at the second meetink!

Obvouslieg samting hed tow be doon — and quickly. Aramintas' face was spreading aboon the country, peochle fram all walks of leg began to regarden her with a certain insight left.

«What canon I do that would quell this mirth what is gradu-, ally drying me to drink, have I not bespoken to her often, betting her to cease, threatling — cajolson — arsking, pleases stop this larftor Araminta. I am at the end of my leather — my cup kenneth conner,» Richard say. The people of the street mubbered in agreement, what could he do? He was foing his vest. «We will ask the Vicar,» said Mrs Crambsey, «Surely he can exercise it out of her?» The peodle agreed — «Surely the Vicar can do it if anybotty can.» The Vicar smiled a funny little smile wholst the goo people splained the troumer. When they had had finished speaching he rose up grandly from his barthchair and said loud and clear «What do you mean exactly?» The peodle sighed an slowlies started to start again telling him about the awful case of Araminta's larfing.

«You mean she just keeps larfing fer no a parent season?» he said brightly. «Yess that's it fazackerly Vicar,» said Richard, «morning noon and nige, always larfing like a mad thin.» The Vicar looked up from his knitting and opened. his mouths.

«Something will have to be done about that girl larfing all the time. It's not right.»

«I really doughnut see that it is any concervative of thiers whether i larf or nament,» sighed Araminta over a lengthy victim. «The trifle with the peomle around here is that they have forgoden how, I repeat, how to larf, reverend, that's what I think anyhow.»

She was of corset talking to the extremely reverend LIONEL HUGHES. She had gone to see him in case he could help her in any small way, considering he was always spouting off about helping peouple she thought she'd give him a try as it were. «What can I say my dear, I mean what can I say?» Araminta looked at the holy fink with disbelief. «What do you mean — what can I say — don't ask me what to say. I cam here to ask you for help and you have the audacidacidity to ask me what to say — is that all you have to say?» she yellowed. «I know exactly how you feel Samantha, I had a cousin the same way, couldn't see a thin without his glasgows.»