William Gass - Middle C

There are several pluses to being poor, Joey assured his mother: you can remain unknown to the government who will have no concern for your existence, nor will you ever have to contribute to its wars or its plunder of the planet. Since you are powerless, blame for most of the world’s ills must lie like an iron crown on other heads. His identity, Joseph Skizzen slowly realized, was wholly his affair. Further, the best security for that secret self was the creation of a faux one, a substitute, a peephole pay-for-view person. Did we not have two hands so that one of them could wipe our ass while the other remained unsullied and ready to be clasped? That was what his father had attempted, Joseph now felt certain. Why hadn’t he — when he had been a simple Joey — taken advantage of the driving lessons his high school had provided? But how could he have guessed so simple a secret? He did feel excused. So … establish credit. How? Go into debt. Get a loan. Buy a car. Learn to drive. Pass a test. Receive a license: with a face on it that says, Hi! I am the guy I say I am, see my smile? read my date of birth? my weight? my height? in my head, brown eyes are brown, make no mistake, I am that guy — there — under the laminate.

Students had vacated the dorms. Now only athletes — or so they said they were — choristers, bookstore clerks, and cafeteria servers were clearing out their lockers, returning their gowns, counting stock one final time before leaving the Augsburg campus for the summer; and Joseph Skizzen was foremost among them, since he had, in a manner of speaking, lived in the church for two years and even had a cache of candy near the organ that it wouldn’t look well to leave half eaten and thereby lead Pastor Ludens on a chase through indecent dreams. It was Chris Knox whom Joseph approached about the momentary loan of Chris’s driver’s license. Because Chris the K (for “King”) was taking his spoiled serve to another school. Because Chris the K had been deposed. Because said Chris was waiting by a pile of bags for his parents to pick him up. And consequently, he appeared handy. Joseph was as honest as he dared to be.

Hey, Chris, I’m glad to see you because I need a favor.

Yeah? You are? You do? How come?

I’ve got a chance at a job for the summer, but it’s at a bar — you know, cleaning up — and you’ve got to be twenty-one to work there, so I need to raise my age a little.

You? Yeah? So? There’s no exercise for that.

Yes, there is. It’s called living longer. But I can’t live longer if I don’t have a job.

I can’t help. We live in Indiana.

A short drive home for you then.

My dad’s not hiring. I don’t have a job either. If he was hiring maybe I would have a shot.

Well, you’ve got a driver’s license, haven’t you?

My dad does the driving when we’re together in the car, but we’re not together a lot.

Well, see … I need one to imitate — a license — to be a model for the one I’m going to make — the one that says I’m twenty-one. If I could borrow yours just for a minute — to copy, you know — there’s a machine in the rectory.

Oh, hey, I couldn’t do that. My dad won’t give you a job either.

I don’t want to actually use yours. I only want the form to follow. I’d white you out, put in my own name, and paste my photo over yours — where yours is — was. Your identity wouldn’t do me any good, would it?

I don’t want to be whited out. You want a job in a bar? You don’t have a license? You can’t work around alcohol, you’re underage.

My mom won’t let me drive. She’s afraid. Of collisions.

I don’t think so. That’s funny, though. Mine aren’t … my dad isn’t … afraid of collisions. My quick reflexes, I suppose. On the court.

Insurance is expensive.

Is that right? My dad says he doesn’t make enough. He sells it. He’s got no job even for me, even sweeping up.

Come on — it’s nothing — and it would only take a sec.

I don’t think I can. Anyway, my parents will be here any minute. My dad is prompt. The bird in the clock doesn’t beat him. I’m standing here — I’m early — because I don’t dare be late. He’s strict, but he was never in the military.

A minute is all it’ll take. I’ll run like a rabbit both ways and be back before your parents know it, before you can load the car when it comes. Besides, you owe me. Come on. I know what you did, and I haven’t said a word. I need the license for just a minute. That’s all.

Owe you …? Did what? Say … how … what do you mean owe …?

You know … that time … when you … when you … you know …

Chris Knox had an ear that turned red then like a stoplight. He fumbled for his wallet, let Joseph, who was instantly off and running, whisk the card from his fingers. He hollered but did not pursue. Joseph, with panting hands, made a number of copies, both front and back, and returned in time to see Chris’s ride arrive — a large black car that contained specimens of wealth and possibly glory.

Thanks a lot. I took only a minute like I said. Joseph waved sheets on which the copies appeared to be large blots. These will be a big help.

I don’t want you to meet my parents, okay? Chris shoved his license in a trouser pocket as if even its plastic were ashamed of what he had allowed it to do.

Don’t forget where you’ve put that.

I don’t—

Okay. I won’t. Many thanks, though. I’m gone.

Joseph walked rapidly away through the gate with his copies, his own ears red now. He gave a wave that featured paper flutter and thanked the Lord for the craven nature God had given us, as well as that primordial sense of guilt that makes patsies of us all, including those with reflexes and a good serve.

You’re doing what your father did, you know that?

You said he bought his.

You paid nothing for this? It came that cheap?

I don’t know how I can use these copies anyway. The rectory didn’t have a decent copier. See how DRIVER OHIO LICENSE is printed in blue on a white band that seems to scroll across the top?

Mein Gott , you’ve sold your soul!

Then there’s a kind of sepia background, I remember from Chris’s — the seal of the state in a web of globelike lines, faint, yes, to imitate a watermark—

Worse … your body …!

And another little red stamp by the photograph where the director of revenue has signed his name in something like the same ink … see … so many things to get right … the photo has a bright blue background … so many facets, none of which I can reproduce without a genuine license in front of me. Even then …

Don’t get yourself in more trouble, Joey. Give it up. Just buy a cheap car on credit and drive careful. If you don’t have a permit — well — won’t you be careful then? you’ll be careful; you’ll take every curve as if you were drawing it.

Drawing was what Joseph tried. The back of the permit was a snap; it held codes concerning driving restrictions ( C for daylight, F for forty-five miles per hour) that the copier reproduced quite well. He’d shrunk a picture of himself taken in a photo booth at the five-and-dime. It would do. But the sepia tone and the director’s signature, the faint thin global lines … these were impossible to realize. Onto some heavy paper, cut from a candy box, he pasted the faked back and front of the license, applied the snapshot with watercolored blue around it — not too bad — then inked in the appropriate typewritten data where he’d whited out King Knox — M | 507 | 135 | HAZ — a process that had required him to reproduce the altered permit yet again. I’ve rubbed you out, Chris K, he said, during his only moment of satisfaction since his own shame had eaten him, red and raw. At least His Majesty had granted Joey’s request — rewarding his guess that the guy had some sort of embarrassing prank — at least an episode — hidden in his history. Despite Knox’s athletic swagger, despite that bunch of big bags … dark car, vast trunk … there was a tiny Achilles in the heel of him. Finally Joseph placed his counterfeit license facedown on a sheet of self-adhesive laminating plastic — it was sold in a four-by-five-inch-card size as if the manufacturers expected its illegal use — bought also at the five-and-dime; then on the back of the license he pressed another piece of the plastic, sealing the crime whose edges he then carefully cut around, releasing the completed permit to lie to the careless eye at least with some chance of success.