Deborah Levy - Billy and Girl

Billy gasps, ‘Dr Taylor, save me, save me!’

Girl laughs like she’s going to die.

‘We’ve got to get our airfare to California. Now ! They’ll appreciate us there. They’ll hire us a car. They’ll fill our pillow slips with cocaine. We might find out what happened to Dad. We might discover why Mom disappeared. We’ll get a tan. We’ll surf the big Pacific rollers. We’ll eat T-bone steaks! We’ll give them our pain and they’ll give us their cash.’

‘How we going to do it, then?’ Billy’s gone morose.

‘We’ll do a supermarket,’ Girl declares emphatically, unusually animated, screwing up her fists. ‘A big supermarket on the edge of a motorway. One that sells twenty types of frozen potato. Crinkle chips, steak chips, chilli chips, hash browns, yeah, hash fucking browns like we’re going to eat in America. We’ll crash into the tills and take the whole damn lot ! We’ll buy our air-tickets with supermarket cash. Ready, Billy? Are you ready for this?’

Billy thumps his pathetic pigeon chest like he’s trying to revive his own dying heart, all the while thinking he might stroll down the hill past Arctic Wines, Junction Pets and the hair salon called Differences, for a half at the Pickled Newt. It’s not the company he wants, it’s the church next door to the pub that has inflamed him. The poster over the door that says, FIND REAL DIGNITY INSTEAD OF INCOMPREHENSIBILITY. Is his pain divine punishment? Life hurts more without magic. Will supermarket cash discover a hidden switch in the brain that turns off pain, once and for all?

‘I’ve been ready all my life,’ Billy replies in his sad boy voice.

Girl’s head is full of Louise in FreezerWorld. Dark Louise thoughts. Following Louise home. Waiting for her at the end of her shift. Using Grand-Dad’s weekly cash to buy Louise two plastic pink hairs-slide hearts. Not giving them to her, of course. Keeping them for later. Writing her letters but never sending them. Dreaming Louise. Should she tell her brother about her Louise dream? Tell him everything? Risk him writing a book one day called The Louise Dreams ? Because Billy’s role from very young was fated to interpret pain on behalf of the Whole Happy Family. Even when he was in Mom’s womb, Dad wanted to hurt him.

Okay. The Louise dream.

There was a power cut at FreezerWorld. Water from the industrial freezers leaked a flood. The waters from frozen lamb and chicken livers and Irish-liqueur ice cream. Louise slipped and drowned. Louise is frozen girlmeat. A FreezerWorld product. A frozen girl. Trapped between sheets of ice. Nose and lips pressed against Frozen World. Golden ice drops of hair. Eyes staring, orbs of blue slush. Louise. Melting histories of retard pain. Chewed-up fingernails splayed against the ice sheets. Her hands so small. Like Girl’s hands. Worst of all, she was wearing her FreezerWorld overalls, a little kilt underneath. All around Louise the customers had fallen into a deep sleep, slumped over their trolleys. Rows of little battery chickens on electric spits had stopped in midcycle. FreezerWorld Louise fallen in so deep. The sight was terrible, monstrous. Girl wanted to die. The end of all hope. Girlmeat. But she had a choice. She could kiss the sleeping frozen Louise into consciousness. Undead her. Princess lips on princess lips. Break the ice.

The End.

FreezerWorld Louise, who is also Girl, is trapped in the ice age because she is frightened of the future. Which is the past.

Okay. Should she tell Billy about the Louise letters? Three of them so far. Written but not sent.

Dear Louise,

I followed you home from FreezerWorld. I know you know I am watching you. And I know you don’t mind.

Girl.

Dear Louise,

My name is also Louise. As far as I’m concerned all Louises have to be beautiful and have a grip. It’s time you bought some different clothes. It’s time you learnt some new words.

I’m watching you, Louise.

From Louise.

Dear Louise,

I saw you come home late the other night. Where were you?

I want to know. I hate your jacket, Louise. Denim is for losers.

You can only wear denim on a beach. Never ever wear denim in winter.

Louise.

No. Girl is too alarmed to tell Billy her dream. She’d even prefer a Grand-Dad joke than confess how Louise has slid into her head like glass in a car accident. Girl knows that Louise is going to lead them to Mom.

On her secret visits to FreezerWorld she always makes her way to the Toiletries aisle to calm herself. Keeping an eye on Louise. Louise stocking shelves. Louise packing pork bellies into the freezers. Louise on the Express till. Louise talking to the manager, wringing her small white hands. Louise choosing a Valentine’s Day card for her boyfriend, buying a biro to write a message inside. ‘To the Best Boyfriend in the World.’ Chewing the pen. Risking a Bic biro heart, her initials, his initials, taking a deep breath, writing how her love is 4 ever, licking the envelope.

Girl likes the chemical fragrances of the FreezerWorld beauty products: musk rose, peach coral, ivory mist. The labels on the plastic bottles show pictures of desert islands and blue lagoons. The sky is always and everyone is happy always 4 ever. Peach Coral is where she wants to be. Peach Coral is her homeland to be. Girl is in exile and she wants to return home, even though she’s never been there. A world where pain has been abolished and perfume bonds you with your loved one for ever. Babies giggling, plump and clean in the lovely arms of their mothers. It would be so sweet to be a resident in Peach Coral. To lounge in a hammock and read magazines all day. She wants to dream herself into peachness because she wants a happy ending. Like in the ads. Blue butterflies dancing on the backs of zebras. She wants to be there. Deep in Girl-land she thinks if they can dream it up, it’s possible to get to the place where zebras canter into a sky full of hope and wonder. She would like to stroke one. The Adland fathers and grandfathers and aunts and cousins with their hopes and aspirations, their hairstyles and dialects. Putting a bit aside for a rainy day. Which is every day. Sometimes she gets scared that she’s out of the picture completely. She wants to be there, inside the Ad family, well lit, well looked after. Girl wants it written in her passport: ‘Country of Birth: Peach Coral.’

Even when Raj comes round she can’t stop talking about FreezerWorld. Billy and Girl and Raj drinking Coke and then crushing the cans.

‘What’s FreezerWorld?’ Raj always asks the important questions.

‘It’s a lovely world, Raj,’ Girl makes her voice soft.

Girl smoking the menthols Raj filched from his father’s shop. Inhaling snow on the tips of pine needles. Ice and clean cold wind burning up anger and hunger and memory.

‘There are beautiful announcements in FreezerWorld.’ Girl just won’t let go. ‘This voice announces things: “Have a safe journey home, don’t forget to check out the Adidas trainers on special discount for your boys.”’

‘Who’s the DJ then?’ Raj reckons he should tell his father about the whole concept. They could try it in the shop.

‘I think he’s the manager. He says, “When you cut a Freezerworld strawberry cheesecake, be sure to make a wish. Goodnight to all our loyal customers, may all your wishes come true.”’

Billy is genuinely moved.

‘Think I should say all that stuff?’ Raj glugs down the rest of his Coke. “When you buy our special-offer bleach, be sure to drink it slowly. That way you make it last longer. Safe journey home, folks. Hope you don’t fall under a bus.”’