Alexander Theroux - Darconville’s Cat

“Brangle her by the ears! Swage her legs to a perpetual 180°! Afflict her with the scabadoo, dry serpigos, roup, gaffkyremia, and white diarrhea! Put casting-counters in her eyeholes! Haust her with higry-pigry! Clap a fistful of Yucatan habanera chilies into her mouth and hold tight! Depeditate her and force her on a stump pilgrimage to the Mount of Deceit! Cut her to the rames! Bace her to death with rubber drubbers! Caboche off her head and use it for a glowball!

“Impissocrapigate all over her! Crosshatch her face with a pie-crimper! Make her bite down hard on a chunk of Hawaiian coral! Massage her with a currycomb, abrading the flesh, then rub her with alcohol, ignite it, resume combing, rub again, and relight! Stuff her lover’s severed cullions into her podex! Jangle puppets who look like her real father outside her night-window! Set vicious ichneumons loose at her heels! Sit her in a bed of flaming hot gleeds!

“Comminute her into snuff! Keel-haul her backwards through a pond of aqua toffana! Dress her up like Satan and walk her into the Valley of Mina to be pelted by outraged Muslims! Carve a perpetual pumpkin-like smile into her face! Put a fire-alarm inside her and excite it with a jab every five minutes! Skin her alive and roll her in salt! Catch her a whisterpoop on the face with a birchrod! Chain her in gimmaces from a balloon and pot-shoot her with glass bits! Shove her into a jam-pan! Make her swim into a cave of beach voles! Batter her with a wanion! Thrash her with a hame strap!

“Acupunctuate her! Swindge her! Thunderstone her! Feed her a full bag of creep ration! Deartuate her with a pair of calipers! Dose her simultaneously with huge amounts of Sinequan and Mebroin, Pertofrane and Panwarfin, Mellaril and Esidrix! Infibulate her with a curved seton needle! Pack her bathtub-deep in dough and harden her into a human Beef Wellington! Tug a sailneedle through her nose-points! Anchor her down by her byssal hairs and roger her arseways!

“Feed her poison garbongs! Cryogenize her into a glacial dirt-band! Flame up a hornbeam into her eye! Cripple her and give her a 16th-century larder pan to slide herself about like a cul-de-jatte ! Pinch the back of her neck white with a tension forceps! Fuse her legs together into a tail! Lock her into the Bull of Phalaris! Gamahuch her with the tip of a pompier ladder! Take out her twenty-eight miles of intestines and with them hang her parents from the storefront in Fawx’s Mt.!

“Funnel lobster dung into her eyes! Ganch her with razor-sharp hooks through the clavicles and attach it to a dirigible! Wither her like Jeroboam’s hand! Exoculate her with a spoon and feed the balls of her eyes to your pet mandrill! Crush the tips of her toes in a grésillon ! Send shrews skittling up her anus! Stick her head between her thighs — the seat of dishonor — and jab her to death with a firefork! Beat her to death with an elderstick that was cut the minute the sun entered Mars! Roll her about in yucca leaves! Send her wedding veil to an insane asylum in the Tidewater to be used as a volleyball net! Set gongs to work under her bed and when she jumps cut off her ankles! Gar-rote her with her heartstrings! Pour six quarts of ipecac down her gullet — and gag her!

“Probang her with liquor of ammonia! Blind her with hot pins and place a fat padlock through her eyes! Void on her! Tie her onto the Lowell House bells and gong them! Hang, draw, and quarter her with the tied sheets of her marriage bed! Swing up a hidden steel chungool and swipe off her labiae! Pincer her occicles with pliers! Hamble her in the feet and force her to walk on stilts made out of her lover’s bones! Frottage her head with a drill-sander!

“Tamp percussion caps into her ears and explode them! Sponge her in the midriff with sulfuric acid! Turn the killing gaze of a Catablepas on her! March her on the run, backwards, into a forest barbed with sharpened punji sticks! Inflate her with hydrogen gas through a clyster pipe! Squirt burgundy pitch into her ears! Cement her alive into the dungeons of Kasr el-Nihaye! Shake a can of wireworms into her face! Cover her with thistle-seed and unleash seventy-five bags of diseased crows!

“Give her a bath in hot naval jelly! Expose her strapped down on an iron grating in the Dokhma! Puncture her heart with an etching-point needle! Flatten her feet into trays with a spalling hammer! Shoot her with a phosphorus gun and leave a huge circle-burn for a halo on her heart! Take watermelon-sized bites out of her oxter! Tie her with clew lines, furl her, and bash her unconscious into the deadlight of a ship! Fuse her with sulphur into a human candle! Screw an ear-trumpet into her mouth and pour in chloride of zinc!

“Truss her haunches! Switch out her brains! Flog her with a cabman’s whip! Nail her face up under a thick woolen drugget riddled with bedbugs! Extract all her teeth and replace each one with a red-hot nail! Allow a candle to burn down in her sphincter! Flay her with a rhino whip tipped with bent pins, knotted cords, switches of heather, and a bull’s pizzle! Screw a spout into her mouth and porcelainize her for a men’s room in Kabool!

“Request her to play ‘ Aschosos paizeis ! Snatch out her eyes, harden and varnish them, and use them for hacking chestnuts! Ream off one of her buttocks and make her wear it as a fur tippet! Split her lip like a bunny with one snip and make her hop after carrots! Funnel pounds of nephrocatarticon into her and scorch her kidneys! Beat her knuckles with a hickory ferrule! Throw a rabid kinkajoo into her bathwater! Quadrifurcate her and set the meat on four staves in the Rub’al Khali!

“Rowel her lips with scissors! Gavage her in the neck with a dental lancet! Infect her with blotch, fire blight, pink rot, smut, bacterial wilt, leaf spot, black leg, hopper burn, and anthracnose! Pull Christmas crackers next to her ears! Rake her cheeks with a dry rice root brush! Force her to eat a banana stuffed with MAO Inhibitor drugs! Cut her throat with a thrush searcher! Thwack her in two with a whinyard!

“Conculcate her! Bugle her! Stone her with fistfuls of coprolite! Ram the big toe of an ostrich foot into her temple! Scotchtape three-hundred pigeons to her arms and then hurl sacks of popcorn into a rocky gorge! Order her to sew the intricate Peking stitch by remote candlelight in a dungeon for one year! Tip her upsidedown and conquassate her! Punch her with a left hook to the solar plexus, the fiercest punch to absorb! Give her a panclastic sandwich!

“Pound hand-fids into her nociceptors! Tattoo her down the spine with Symmes’ Abscess Knife! Rasp her around the neck with a xyster! Enter her in a marathon to run with a silver thimble between her buttocks! Fit her out lodgings on the Mont Saint-Michel sandflats or in Tunguska, Siberia or by the Bay of Fundy! Bash her with a nache! Suffocate her with a wet windsock! Sprinkle seed weevil into her breakfast food! Give her a frightful case of the bots!

“Bash her on the thinkball with Ubaldo’s Wand! Remove her cochlea, attach an electromechanical driving unit to the oval window there, and bounce her across the room at will. Hurl her onto a set of maiming caltrops! Pack her mouth with nostrilcress! Knot her around the neck with her lover’s cremasters and pull them tight! Snip her psoas muscle and make her run up a slide, sideways! Freeze her in quicksilver and tap her apart into little chunks! Pitch her into a pool of lampreys, and watch them suck her faint! Smyte her in pecys! Langle her by the neck on a leaping-house flagpole!

“Press her into a torture cravat, pump helium into her mouth, and force her to sing, ‘I Love You Truly’! Embroider obscene words on her cheeks with red thread! Hammer her into bone ash and round it all into a cupel! Hobble her to her mother and force them to play Wipe the Scut, Donkeyshines, and Sow to Her Pen! Drench her in elder vinegar and chase her naked through the Ragged Mts. in the dead of whiter! Frush her! Pettuse her! Bumrowl her! Cuff her! Spancel her like a cow!