Alexander Theroux - Darconville’s Cat

The expression, as he amassed them, sat loosely on his thoughts.

Then he spoke.

“STAB HER with a bung-starter! Mail her a poison suit! Employ the scaphism! Hurl her down the Gemonian steps with tincans tied to her ears! Whittle her nose into a dowel! Exenterate her with an oilcloth-cutter’s knife! Glume back her scalp and paint the skull with a crimson A! Incrassate her into jellies! Conglutinate her buttocks with hot solder! Bake her a pie made from castor beans, pokeweed, tomato plant foliage, black locust bark, rhubarb leaves, and wisteria pods! Ablende her eyeballs!

“Burn radix pedis diaboli in her bedroom! Force her to have buccal coition with a yak! Deliver her over for lewd sport to hordes of ferocious Khonghouses! Snop her, snackle her, smore her in picrotoxin! Tie her down on a nest of dermestid beetles! Pickle her in natron! Replace her nose with a headlight and drive her into a plate-glass window painted the color of money! Inject her with fox mange, nasal gleet, poultry mites! Lock her away forever into the charnel-vault of Montf aucon! Fouch off her buttocks!

“Place Q-wedges in her eyes! Cauterize her cervix with strychnia! Nail her name down with Punic wax and pour acid on it! Sew her up inside a hippo! Bore a hole in her throat and draw down the tongue, for comic effect, to pull it through her neck! Cut the fingers off her first-born and fashion them into a necklace for a cross-eyed pigmy! Grill her on cashielawis ! Thropple her with your wet hands! Notch her nostrils! Drip plutonium into her open eyes! Roll her tongue up like a bruggioli and transfix it with a mail-opener! Feed her out of a lead footpan into which several Hassidic Jews have just vomited! Plug up her Bowlahoola!

“Beat her senseless with her boiled shoes! Scrobiculate her with a pair of tailor’s shears! Hang a wreath of fruitbats around her neck! Put a rocket up her anus and light the touch-paper! Vaginoexcavate her with a hot coal spoon! Put a stone fish into her bathing cap! Bas-ton her with heated gisarmes! Lib off her ears! Shove tacks into her fold of Houston! Upend her into a moldy fust! Crimp her epidermis into artistic sunbursts and slivers with an Eskimo ulu! Sulp her! Feague her! Gaum her! Hamesuck her! Waterzoutch her!

“Strangle her with a numbat’s tongue! Coat her with hot creosote, hollow her out, and use her in your garden as a drainbarrel! Beat her into a j-particle! Hang her in a bottle like a cat! Shoot Dutch bric-a-brac off her head with a shotgun! Tack a pocket to her libbard skin! Make stone jewelry out of her distals, terminals, unguals! Give her a felon-wort sandwich! Behead her with a rusty coffee-can lid! Pitch sorb-apple hoops into her face!

“Yerk her on the lip with a gorilla’s scrotum-stones! Smother her in her own midden! Force her at knife-point to shinny naked up a locust tree! Contrive to make her feel torment without the luxury of sorrow! Spackle up her mouth! Lay pipes in her you’ll scald! Clap her into a pair of hames and take her for a run on a string! Hogcomb her back! Fit a whipworm into her ear! Slingshot a brookstone into her forehead! Stick her toes into Bullivant’s Stopper and twist! Roll her in smilax rotundifolia ! Dunch her in the belly! Duntle her in the teeth! Dub her in the face!

“Raft off her head! Throw her to a Zanzibar tiger! Hire her out to a sideshow where she’ll be backscuttled by a Bulgar in a conical hat! Venenate her vegetation! Coat her with meat sauce and release fifty starved Molossian hunting dogs! Send her around Cape Horn in an ill-caulked fat! Reverse her fingers! Thrast her temples with a filter-wrench! Slither a taipan through her bath tap! Hautpin her through the ears!

“Vivisepult her! Snawle her! Titscrew her! Sheer off her right mammary prominence and throw it to a Maltese spaniel! Snip her weasand! Jackflip her into Appleby’s self-knotting binder! Bang her hard on the occiput with a copper stewpan! Saw off the top of her skull and use it as a whistle-tankard from which to drink juleps! Boil her buttocks! Crucify her on the front of a barndoor while wearing a duncecap listing her crimes! Blowtorch her hair off and scald her like a sow!

“Melt her down into a kitty-litter tray! Fustigate her with an eel-ferret! String a zither with her vastus lateralis tendons and play ‘A Nautical Man Came By’! Tear out her umbles, reins, and kidneys and replace them with her lying tapes! Give her an overdose of chloral and force her to do unnatural acrobatics! Chop her into messes with an ax-wedge! Fill her calyx with duocide chucks! Place cannonballs on each of her feet and hang her by the tongue from the clock of the Soestdijk Palace! Graft her thumb onto her chin!

“Rip out her temperomandibular joints! Sever her stapes! Brank off her wrists with hoof-nippers! Mammock her into bacon! Bite her on the neck and give her the gleep! Inject her with the Black Formosa Corruption! Grant her the xi pains of hell! Foin off her thumbtips! Suggilate her with night-visits from goblins, bugbears, and tenebrions! Garrote her with corned beef string! Celebrate a mass inhumation with her and her two friends! Duckpop her by grabbing her asshole and snapping her inside out!

“Pack furballs of her own hair into her by suction! Miniaturize her! Decapitate her during the recitative of Fidelia ! Hand her a bouquet of amanita mushrooms, Persian kerza flowers, Jerusalem cherry plant, pyrethrum daisies, Javanese upas leaves, and tell her to breathe deeply! Snip off her eyelids! Inject potassium under her armpit! Gore her in the temple with a suction trocar! Force her to grab an active propeller! Order her to memorize Zumpft’s Latin Grammar while bonking her on the head with a hammer! Dye her black! Devil her into a pâté! Dash her against a wall of dolerite!

“Bimster off her flesh! Tap croquet balls down her throat one by one! Feed her the gets of cupped and goitrous Jewgirls! Sit her in a footstool made of Perunite B and throw a lit match at her navel! Suspend her naked from a dree-draw! Fashion a parrot cage out of her sternal ribs! Slip a gluey penny into her glottis! Lower her into filthy sewage! Electroplate her and hang her as a bauble in a burlesque house in Clinch Valley, Va.! Slit her snout! Wish her a case of sheeprot! Fit a barlow knife into her nasopharynx! Crunt her on the skull with a cudgel!

“Sling a schist into her belly! Pewke into her pockets! Thrack her with anvils up to Pantops Mt.! Insert the nozzle of a bellows into her touchhole and pump hard! Pour all over her skin a devouring escharotic! Bombard her with calcium atoms! Turn her upsidedown and let bongo apes depucelate her bum! Split her head with a pike at the lambdoid suture and use them for woks! Upholster your house with her verminous dermis! Whack off her lower lip with an imperfect blade! Attach drawstrings to her and hanfangle her from the vanes of a windmill by ‘The Hottentot Apron’! Fetch the rymme out of her throat!

“Adnexopex her! Burke her! Crooch her in the face! Put her to the hot-water ordeal! Roomal her with her lover’s dogstones and rope-theats! Hide a spincop in her knitting ball! Drape a mulebell on each of her ears and parade her duck-squatting through the village of s’Her-togenbosch! Whip her about like a bumming-top! Assoil her with rude fists of offal! Thrammle her to a leaking nuclear-reactor! Splashfeed her with phenyl cyanide!

“Glaive off her ears! Hurl Montenegrin shepherds’ curses at her through a megaphone! Spray hive-bomb down her throat! Clap her into a casket with a vicious ounce! Mule-pulley off her back from her front! Drop live geckos into her hair! Sproat her through the tongue and lower her into a sharkpool. Cruddle her fibula bones into matchwood! La plongez dans lessive faicte d’estrons et de pissat de juifvre ! Vault her down the street with a wagstaff inside her! Behead her with a dull thixle!