Saadat Manto - My Name Is Radha

‘What could that something else be? All I wanted to say was that your hair has grown too long and you must get a haircut. The barbershop isn’t very far, a hundred steps at most. Go get a haircut. Meanwhile, I’ll get water heated for your bath.’

‘I will, I will, but let me first smoke a cigarette.’

‘No, you won’t. You’ve — let me see the tin — my God, you’ve already smoked twenty cigarettes. Twenty!’

‘That’s not too many. . it’s getting on towards twelve o’clock. .’

‘Don’t prattle on your way to the barber’s. . Get this extra baggage off your head.’

‘I’m going, I’m going. Is there something you want done?’

‘Nothing. Don’t look for excuses to elude me.’

‘Okay, I’m leaving.’

‘Hold on.’

‘Yes?’

‘How much money do you have on you?’

‘About five hundred rupees.’

‘Well then, stop by Anarkali before going to the barber and buy a gold ring worth at least two hundred to two hundred and fifty rupees. It is my friend’s birthday today.

‘Why would I need a haircut after that? I’ll go bald right there in Anarkali bazaar. I’m going, bye.’

‘Please have the servant bring my lunch. I’m starving.’

‘It’s three o’clock. Where will you get food at this hour?’

‘So what if it’s three o’clock — I live here. I need to eat. After all, I must have some rights in this house.’

‘Oh yeah, what rights? How many?’

‘Since when have you started keeping track of such things — questioning me like this?’

‘If I didn’t, this house wouldn’t have lasted this long.’

‘Oh, you’re amazing! Now, will I get my lunch or not?’

‘You can forget about lunch if you keep turning up at three in the afternoon day after day. Even in a restaurant you wouldn’t get dal — roti at this hour. I absolutely don’t like your habits.’

‘What habits?’

‘That you show up at three. The food gets cold while I’m languishing away, waiting for you, and only God knows where Your Majesty is loafing around.’

‘Well, don’t people have work to do? In any case, I was a little bit late just two days.’

‘You call it a little bit late? Every husband has to come home by noon so that he’s fed by one o’clock. And besides, he should be submissive to his wife.’

‘Maybe he should just take a room in a hotel and live there? At least there the attendants would all be at his beck and call.’

‘Wouldn’t you love that? In fact, you’re planning to take off any day, aren’t you? Well, you can leave now, right this minute.’

‘Without having my meal?’

‘Eat it at your hotel.’

‘But just now you said I wouldn’t even get dal — roti in any restaurant at this hour? How quickly you forget!’

‘You know why, because I’m going nuts, or rather, being driven nuts.’

‘That’s for sure. But who’s driving you nuts?’

‘You — who else? You’ve made my life a living hell. I have no peace, neither during the day nor at night.’

‘Never mind the day, why don’t you have peace at night? You sleep like a log, without a care in the world, or, as the saying goes, like one who’s sold off all his horses.’

‘Who can sleep after selling their horses? What a stupid saying.’

‘All right, it is stupid. But just a few days ago you sold not only the horse but also the tonga along with it. And how soundly you slept afterwards, snoring all night long.’

‘There was no need to keep the tonga after you’d bought me the car. And the accusation that I snore is total nonsense.’

‘Your Majesty, how could you possibly know whether or not you were snoring when you were drowned in sleep? Your snores kept me awake the whole night, believe me.’

‘Wrong, absolutely wrong. It’s a vicious lie.’

‘Okay, for your sake, let’s say it’s a lie. Now give me my food.’

‘Not today. Go to a hotel. . Why, you can live there for the rest of your life for all I care.’

‘And you — what will you do?’

‘Rest assured, I won’t die without you.’

‘God forbid that you should die. But tell me, how will you support yourself without me.’

‘I’ll sell the car.’

‘And how much will you get for it?’

‘Six, maybe seven thousand, at least.’

‘How long will that feed you and your kids?’

‘I don’t splurge like you do. It will last me till the end of my days, and the children won’t lack for anything either — you’ll see.’

‘Well then, teach me this secret. I’m sure you’ve hit upon some mantra that doubles money. You pull out some banknotes from your wallet, whisper the mantra over them, and presto, you have twice as much.’

‘You ridicule me. Shame on you.’

‘Let’s put this aside and give me my lunch.’

‘You won’t get it.’

‘For heaven’s sake, why? What have I done wrong?’

‘If I started to count your wrongs and misdeeds, I’d be counting till I’m dead.’

‘Look, Begum, you’ve gone overboard. If you don’t give me my meal, I’ll burn down the house. For God’s sake, here I am, dying of hunger, and there you are, rattling away this nonsense. I had some pressing work to take care of yesterday and today, that’s why I was late. You’re accusing me of coming home late every day. Give me my food, or else. .’

‘Don’t you threaten me! You won’t get food.’

‘This is my house. I’m free to come and go as I please. Who are you to impose these unbearable conditions on me? I’m telling you, this attitude of yours won’t get you anywhere.’

‘As if your attitude has got me somewhere. This interminable vexation has reduced me to such a pitiable state.’

‘Some state — you’ve gained twelve pounds while your crabby temperament has ruined my health.’

‘What’s wrong with your health?’

‘Have you ever bothered to ask why I always look so tired? Or thought about why I huff and puff while climbing stairs? Have you ever felt it in your heart to give me a little massage when my head is about to explode from pain? You’re a strange life-mate. Had I known I would end up with a wife like you, I’d never have come anywhere near you.’

‘And I would have swallowed poison had I known I’d be saddled with a husband like you.’

‘Poison — you can swallow it now. Shall I go get some?’

‘Yes, please.’

‘But first give me my lunch.’

‘For the umpteenth time, you’re not getting any today.’

‘But surely I will tomorrow, and every day after tomorrow because by then you’ll be in the next world. Anyway, I can’t go out for your poison on an empty stomach. Who knows, I might pass out and drop dead while driving. Looks as if I’ll have to do something on my own to get some food.’

‘Like what?’

‘I’ll call the cook.’

‘You will do no such thing!’

‘Why?’

‘Because I said so. You have no right to poke your nose into household matters.’

‘This is the limit. I can’t even call the cook. Well then, the servant. Where is he?’

‘In hell.’

‘Which is where I am now too. But I don’t see him anywhere. Move aside, let me look for him. Who knows, maybe I’ll find him.’

‘What do you want to tell him?’

‘Nothing — just that I’m letting him go and taking his place.’

‘You, taking his place? Wouldn’t that be the day?’

‘Salaam, huzoor. Begum Sahib, the dish is ready. Shall I lay Sahib’s food on the table?’

‘Beat it.’

‘But Begum Sahib, the turnips you cooked this morning burned because the flame was too high. Then you said Sahib would be coming late so I should quickly prepare some other dish. Well, I cooked two dishes in two hours. Now, if you like I can set the table. Both dishes are still on the stove; if left longer I fear they’ll be charred like your turnips. I’m going. Just let me know when you want me to set the table.’