Denis Johnson - Angels

“If you make me spill this,” Burris said, twisting together three paper matches, “I will beat you till I feel no anger.” He struck the matches and, holding them in one hand as they burned, raised up the spoon with the other.

“Burris, let me talk to you just a few minutes before you — you know, before you get off.”

“You wanna talk? Talk.” Burris blew on the liquid in the spoon carefully to cool it.

“Talk is all I can do,” Jeanine told him. “I can’t do anything else.” She reached to her big blue book beside her on the divan — and for an instant Burris sensed her, in the corner of his vision, as a poised and gracious white presence in the room, but kept the main of his attention on his spoon of liquefied heroin. Turning the pages of her book, Jeanine wrinkled her nose. “That stuff always smells like the inside of a cigaret when you get it cooked. Now. Lucifer, by rebelling against Christ Michael, became one of those who has succumbed to the urge of self and surrendered to spurious personal liberty.”

“What the fuck?” Burris said. “Oh.” He saw that she was reading.

“See? That’s just where you’re at, honey. Running up money in the wrong bank. You’re opting for extinction every time you do up. You’re kissing death”—and she began to read again: “‘Rejection of universe allegiance and disregard of fraternal obligations. Blindness to cosmic relationships.’ Hey — I thought you were going to listen for a minute.”

Burris pitied himself immensely even as he tapped the needle into the vein of his arm, because twenty dollars’ worth was only a feeble joke, an almost pointless medicinal gesture, a parody of intoxication that might, nevertheless, help him sleep for a few hours. “I’m listening,” he told Jeanine. “Fuck. Wish we had a fucking phone,” he said absently.

“I’m just telling you what Lucifer was into. You know Lucifer? The Devil? But actually, the one we call the Devil is named Caligastia. He was a prince, it says, a deposed planetary prince of Urantia.”

From his association with Jeanine, Burris understood that Urantia was the planet Earth. “You’re so insane,” he said, not without affection. As the heroin reached him, he could feel the sinuses at the back of his nose opening up.

Jeanine held the big Urantia Book in her lap, perusing it gaily like a family album. “The Lucifer Rebellion was a big flop. But it says, right here on page 609—listen: ‘While Lucifer was deprived of all administrative authority in Satania, there then existed no local universe power nor tribunal which could detain or destroy this wicked rebel.’ And then it says here that he’s still operating, Burris—‘Thus were these archrebels allowed to roam the entire system to seek further penetration for their doctrines of discontent and self-assertion.’ It says here, ‘They continue their deceptive and seductive efforts to confuse and mislead the minds of men and angels.’ They’re still operating a big business right here on Urantia.”

“Well,” Burris said, “I ain’t exactly about to OD, but it works.” He released a sigh as if he’d been holding his breath past any endurance. His sinuses were completely free. The gratitude of the survivor, the melting feminine gratitude of the saved, lit every follicle from within. “You look like an angel yourself, right now, you know that? In that white raincoat,” he said. Suddenly nauseated by the taste of beer, he held out to her his half-finished Schlitz.

Jeanine came over and sat on the floor by the wicker chair, and took the beer and drank from it. He kissed her on top of her head, and she rested her head on his knee, putting her arms half about his waist. “I get contact vibes off you,” she said to him. “When you get high, I get high.” Peace settled down upon the midnight. Burris sat back into the silence and blindness of the heroin of Mexico: the silence that isn’t empty and the blindness that isn’t dark.

Jamie stood in the middle of the yard, apparently not quite sure of the direction of the house, which was ten feet away, or perhaps a little nonplussed, somewhat taken aback, possibly, by the platter of fried chicken Bill Houston had just handed her. She and Burris had been eating up those pills of his. It ran in the family. Even Mrs. Houston herself, as she observed her son’s woman friend from the living room, was sipping from a large glass of V-8 juice with vodka in it.

In the pitiless downpouring light of afternoon, Jamie’s aura was plainly visible to Mrs. Houston as an atmosphere of haze surrounding her, and Mrs. Houston caught her breath. Without the tiniest avenue for escape, without the smallest meager hole through which the nourishment of God might find her, Jamie was hemmed in and completely owned by the Evil One. In this absolute bondage, Mrs. Houston saw clearly, her possible future daughter-in-law was permitted to live and move amid a trumped-up psychic ectoplasm of unconscious grace, because ultimately it was the black darkness of Satan that possessed her, and he bided his time. He was keeping Jamie for later. Jamie was going to be his dessert. Mrs. Houston began a prayer for her: only the ceaseless cries of those already saved might pierce the walls imprisoning this young woman who stood in the back yard obliterated on pills and red wine, looking ridiculous in her short cut-off jeans and purple high-heeled shoes, trying to decipher a tray of chicken.

William Junior manned the barbecue thing, arid Burris was in the kitchen drumming his hands like a Congolese on the top of her radio while Jeanine concentrated on making a salad. Mrs. Houston cast her heart adrift amid a fluid affection, surrounded by all her sons. From her big chair in the living room, formerly Harold Carter Sandover’s big chair, she could see her eldest making chicken, and hear her youngest in the kitchen—“Co-mo be-bee light my fi -yer,” Burris was screaming — and see, out front, her middle son James, who had poked his torso under the hood of the green junked Ford out there. The baby was sleeping on Mrs. Houston’s bed in the back of the house, and James’s wife Stevie had her boy and Jamie’s little girl in the bathroom, trying to get them cleaned up for supper. Mrs. Houston loved them all. It failed to disturb her, in this moment out of time, that some of these people had abandoned themselves to fate and become dangerous. It failed to trouble her just now that she had seen these pow-wows before among such men: in the midst of family gatherings they spoke casually and curtly just out of earshot. Terrible things happened later.

And suddenly out of nowhere, Jamie’s little girl was standing there in front of her. It seemed she was about to say something. In the cool of the living room before the words came, distanced from the other voices and other sounds of the world, Mrs. Houston felt herself and the child enveloped in an utter loneliness, and she knew the others had forgotten all about them. “Can I take the hair off the corn?” the little girl asked her. Before Mrs. Houston could form any notion of what she was talking about, she was gone and might only have been a ghost.

Thy will be done, she said inside herself. And lately, in the last few years, she’d been able to mean it.

At the supper table, Jamie had sat on the floor instead of in her chair. “Hell of a thing,” she was saying. “What the fuck here now,” she said. “Whole place is greased, or something.”

Stevie stood beside the table, waiting for folks to get arranged so that she could sit down. “You got a handful there, don’t you?” she asked Bill Houston, who was helping Jamie up.

“Well, it’s just temporary — you know, kind of an adjustment thing or whatever, I guess.” His own eyes, drowned in gin, were like two setting suns.