Sara Jaffe - Dryland

Erika said, Duh, they just invited us!

Melanie gave us her address. After they’d left Erika said, Well, that was bizarre.

I said, What was bizarre about it?

Erika said, It’s just weird to me that they like us. Or act like they do.

I said, What’s weird about them liking us?

Erika shrugged. She said, Clearly they waited until the last minute to invite us.

I believed that Alexis had really been busy, that she’d meant to ask us — ask me — and gotten caught up, but if she had avoided asking me on purpose, it had been for a good reason. She had told me herself — it would be too tense, too much of a temptation. She’d shown me that that afternoon at her house. She would come up to me at the party and say, I’m sorry I didn’t invite you, you’re so cute, I didn’t know if I’d be able to keep my hands off of you.

Erika said, Maybe it’s just some swimming bonding thing. She took a photo from the top of the stack. There was no good system for ID-ing the people in them. If we didn’t know who they were we had to match their faces to old yearbooks or walk around asking until we found someone who recognized them. Erika said, What’s that girl’s name again? I bet she’ll be at that party. She said, I guess those girls are all right. She put the photo at the bottom of the pile. She said, But weird, right? Have you ever done a face mask?

I PASSED THEstriver again. I almost passed Donna. After practice I saw Alexis talking with Coach about her turns and I stalled as long as I could before I got into the shower. I was in there with one other person and Alexis came in and got under the nozzle farthest from me. The other girl left. I said, Hey.

Alexis said, Hey. She was facing the wall and digging conditioner into her scalp so hard and fast I was afraid she’d gouge the skin. She said, Coach is making me stressed about my turns. He thinks I could shave off another second.

I didn’t have any good advice about breaststroke turns. I said, I bet you’ll do really great. You won last time. It was a stupid thing to say. I knew winning once had nothing to do with winning the next time. I said, I’m sorry.

Alexis said, What are you sorry for?

I said, Is it okay that I’m coming to the party?

She said, Of course, why wouldn’t it be okay?

I wanted to say You know why. Not as an accusation. I wanted to ask why she hadn’t called, or if I could have the number of her private line so I could call if I needed to.

Alexis turned off the shower and turned toward me. My body felt like an animal’s. She said, The party’s for the whole team. I’m glad you can come.

WHEN I GOTinto the car my dad turned down the radio and asked, How’s the training?

I said, It’s okay. I said, You don’t have to call it training.

My dad said, Sure. What do you call it?

I said, Calling it training makes it sound like I’m competitive. I wished I’d had something better to say to Alexis about her turns. I’d wanted to give Alexis something that could really help her. I felt like a poser, like the worst kind of striver. I said, It makes it sound like you want me to get into the Olympics or something.

My dad always drove slowly but now he slowed so much that the car behind us flashed its brights. My dad pulled over and the car sped around us. I said, Why are we stopping?

My dad said, Julie. You know your mother and I never want you to feel any pressure from us. Especially about swimming.

We were pulled over in front of the Taco Bell. I’d only eaten there once or twice but kids with cars, Alexis’s friends, went to the drive-through during lunch and came back with crumpled burrito wrappers on their dashboards. A seven-layer burrito sounded amazing. It sounded so warm and complete. I almost asked my dad to pull into the driveway.

My dad said, You’ve got to tell me. Are we pushing you too hard?

I said, You’re not pushing me at all. I didn’t know what it would look like for them to be pushing me. They’d be asking when my meets were, offering to pay for extra lessons. They’d tell me what, that I couldn’t have dinner until I won them a trophy? That I couldn’t come home without a neckful of medals?

My dad said, Was it because of that magazine? All of Jordan’s stuff?

I said, Was what because of it? I had never seen my dad like this before. His face looked like nothing was holding it together. It was worse than if he’d been crying. I wasn’t sure if I knew enough about driving to drive us home, if it came to that.

My dad said, I told your mom that I thought you and Jordan might get closer when you got older. That’s how it was with me and Uncle Dan.

My dad and his brother were best friends or like their version of best friends. I said, What did Mom say?

My dad laughed. Now he was crying a little, some wetness he wiped away. He said, She accused me of training you to be a spy.

I didn’t really get it but I laughed with him.

ON THE FRIDAYof the meet Coach stood by the bus with his clipboard. The hood of my hoodie was up. I had on my parka and my gloves. If Coach stuck me in a relay I would quit right there. I would turn around and get off the bus. Coach looked at his clipboard, crossed something out, looked at me. He said, What do you say, Julie? You ready to give the 500 a go?

I said, Okay.

THE REFEREE BLEWhis whistle to start the meet. It was a different referee from the last meet.

The Franklin swimmers wore black and gold.

Erika asked me if I was nervous. I said, A little.

I thought Alexis might look to me for luck before her races.

The bleachers cut into my thighs. Erika said I didn’t need to be nervous, that I was going to kick ass.

The bleachers blew up in a cheer.

My legs fell asleep.

My legs bit and buzzed. I didn’t have legs.

I couldn’t swim without legs. I could, but I wouldn’t — too much dead weight. I imagined Coach scooping me up and dropping me in.

Feet stamped metal and the bleachers shook.

The starting gun went and went.

I was tired. I leaned my head back against nothing.

Alexis stepped up on the block for the 100 Breast. If she looked at me, she might not acknowledge that she was looking at me, but I’d know it and she’d know it.

Alexis sliced the water. Her shoulders and head ducked and rose. I arrowed her luck. I pulled for easy turns. Her hips moved and I moved.

I said, I’m not really nervous.

Someone started We Are the Champions. Erika pulled my arm to get up and clap.

At the start of the 100 Butterfly, two races before mine, I stood up and stamped out the buzz in my legs. I went to the side of the bleachers to stretch. I held on to the pole of the bleachers with my right hand and bent my left leg behind me.

Alexis said, Hey Julie.

My hamstrings were tight. I switched legs. It was as if I hadn’t swum in weeks.

She said, That’s so great that you’re swimming the 500. Are you nervous? She must have been used to winning by now but she still had the glow.

I said, A little.

She said, You’re cute.

I said, What? I was surprised she’d said it right there, with everyone in possible earshot.

She said, I said that’s really cute, that you’re nervous. She said, Do you still want me to count laps for you?

I’d had a dream version of this day and in it I got to swim the 500 Free and Alexis, who was the reason I was swimming it, who’d been the first one to see that it might do something for me to swim it, was at the other end of the lane dipping numbers in the water to keep track of my laps. My edges burned. I said, I asked Erika.

She said, Oh. Okay.

I said, I didn’t know if you’d remember. Now I couldn’t remember if she’d actually offered or if it had only been part of the dream version. I said, I’m really sorry.