Gilbert Sorrentino - Aberration of Starlight

Of course Gramp says this will be after the wedding in the Warren House because not only is Daddy going to be the special guest of honor because he used to be Mom’s husband and he is Billy’s dad and I think the world of you and if I can add two and two you and Tom here are also going to hit it off but also Billy is going to be the ring bearer. Which reminds Gramp to tell Tom that he better skedaddle into Hackettstown or Netcong and select a ring from one of the diamond jewelry stores there. Tom slaps his forehead with his hand and laughs and says wow! I am so excited and happy that I almost forgot about the most important thing of all! What a dumbbell jerk I am! You certainly are Gramp laughs and slaps him on the back and says it’s lucky his head is attached to his shoulders or he’d forget that too!

Suddenly that afternoon Father Donovan from Our Lady of Angels comes up and says that he is carrying a message from Monsignor O’Hara and he stands on the porch and opens an envelope while Tom and Mom and Daddy and Gramp all sit in rocking chairs and there are some other busybodies there too with their ears cocked like the Sapurtys and Mom is pulling at her hankie and Tom is patting her shoulder. Billy doesn’t know exactly what the heck is going on but he remembers Mom saying that Father Donovan is a very strict priest because he is a Back Bay North of Ireland convert and they are the worst kind and Billy figures that Mom is nervous because the Catholic priests do not like people to get divorced or to get married twice or something like that, it’s like eating meat on Friday. Daddy is looking at him with a little kind of wisenheimer smile because as far as he is concerned priests all eat roast beef on Friday and live like kings except for Father Bucafusco at St. Rocco’s who was a saint on earth.

Father Donovan looks at the message and says that as far as Monsignor O’Hara is concerned and all the other priests and the good Sisters of Charity at Our Lady of Angels it is fine by them that Mom and Tom should get married because they are both good Catholics and Catholics should be happy. Besides Monsignor O’Hara adds a P.S. to say that just that morning before Father Donovan got on the Erie to Netcong, which is why he is all covered with grime and soot, a special-delivery telegram came to Monsignor O’Hara from the Pope Pius and he has thought the case over and decided that he wants Mom and Tom to get married right away because he knows from special reports what a wonderful lady Mom is and what a good Catholic she has been all these years and also what a fine man Tom is. As for Gramp although he is not a real Catholic as far as the Pope Pius is concerned he might as well be because High Episcopalians are just about Catholics.

What a relief for everybody! They all pile into a big black Packard limousine that Our Lady of Angels has sent up special with a chauffeur and rush into Hackettstown and stop off for a minute to buy a stunning wedding ring. Then they go to the Warren House so that Mom and Tom can get married right away and they do. Father Donovan stands on the little platform that the dutchie polka band plays on on Saturday nights and they are married in a jiffy and everybody says that Mom is a beautiful bride in her white summer dress and that Tom is a handsome groom in his white polo shirt and white knickers that he sometimes wears to play croquet and his white stockings and shoes.

Then Father Donovan buys the house a round of beer except for Billy and the Copan girls and he buys them orange drink and a whole bunch of potato chips. And when they start dancing to some records on the jukebox like “Beer Barrel Polka” and “Careless” and “Darn That Dream” and “Deep Purple” and “Hold Tight, Hold Tight” and “If I Didn’t Care” and “I’ll Never Smile Again” and “My Prayer” and “South of the Border” and “Three Little Fishies” and some other hit tunes Daddy comes up to Billy and says well Billy are you ready to leave tomorrow with me to go to Egypt and the Mysterious Nile and then to Borneo to see where they get pure rubber? And Billy says wow! Am I!

Daddy comes home late, he can tell because it’s been dark for a long time and he ate while Jack Armstrong was on and that was also a long time ago.

“I am really sorry, honey, but I was working so hard and working my fingers to the bone to make plenty of money to buy us all some nice things and also maybe put a down payment down on a new Packard.”

“Oh, my darling husband Tony, that is perfectly all right! I have kept this nice Swiss steak nice and warm and juicy and I will make you some mash potatoes and a nice crispy green salad!”

“You are just a peach, Marie, dear wife.”

“I am so sorry and I apologize for being so late that it is dark already, my darling wife.”

“Oh, that is O.K., adorable Tony, my husband. I do not mind one iota you coming home late. I know how hard you work down by the dockyards.”

“Well, I have to be square with you, sweetie, I was not really working late, I had to meet an important mucky-muck and sign a contract with him for a big job that will be about a million dollars or maybe even more.”

“You are the smartest and most wonderful hubby who ever lived! Here, sit down and I will give you your favorite supper of spaghetti and chocolate pudding!”

“It is certainly getting mighty cold and it feels just like snow. Well, it serves me right for getting home in the dark and cold windy night.

Will you accept my apologies, beautiful bride of mine?”

“My dearest Tony! Will I accept your apologies? Ha ha ha! Just go and sit in the living room and put your feet up and shake up a cocktail. I will fix you a nice hot dinner of caviar and pheasants that were on sale today at Bohack’s.”

“Dear! Soon, and you can mark my words, you will not have to be worrying about buying things at sales. Our ship is going to come in soon.”

“Of course, sugar pie. You know how I have such full trust in you and how smart you are. Now, just go in and sit down and have a highball cocktail or two.”

“It is sure enough cold out there, Marie honeybunch. There is enough snow to make it like the North Pole! I hope that you have not waited for me for supper.”

“I will whip up some roasted chicken in a minute, don’t you worry about a thing, and also some salad with French dressing just the way a hard-working man likes hearty foodstuffs.”

“How swell you are, my cuddles! I was late because I had to help that poor kid Margie in the office with her cheapskate Jew landlord because she don’t have heat in this subfrozen weather. Can you beat that? I told him where he could get off and that I would call up the police chief if he did not act square. That is why I am so darn late.”

“Tony, you darling! You have a heart of gold to help that poor nice girl out like that. And good for you that you talked turkeys to that Jew skinflint. Now, sit down and let me toss up some roasted chicken for you!”

“Hiya, dear. Gosh almighty, I tried and tried like heck to get off work early tonight but you know how things go for a young boss.”

“Don’t aggravate yourself, hon, I will just fling out this Swiss steak stew dish and snap beans and mash potatoes and gravy in the garbage since it is all dried out. And I will run to the butcher in a jiffy and get you a couple of nice tender lamb chops for supper and stop off for a banana split too because I know how you love it.”

“Gosh almighty, Marie sweetness, don’t you bother your pretty swell little head about it. Go out in this weather? It is blowing up a blizzard tonight! Are you nutty? Just serve me whatever odds and ends you have left over and I will fill up on Bond bread too. Gosh, you know how I love your Swiss steak better than anything except that great stuffed roasted turkey you cook on special occasion holidays. Your dried-out and ice-cold Swiss steak is better than a meal fit for a king!”