Tao Lin - Shoplifting From American Apparel

“Sure,” said Audrey with a serious facial expression.

Someone said something to Sam about Columbus, Ohio. Sam thanked the person and walked to Joseph and said he was going to hang out with his friend from Sarasota.

Jeffrey, Gina, Audrey, and Sam walked toward Jeffrey’s car. Sam said he saw Star Fucking Hipsters in Brooklyn a week ago and the singer wasn’t drunk at all then four or five songs later was extremely drunk and swung his guitar at the audience and the audience stared at him. Jeffrey and Audrey talked to each other. Sam looked at Gina not talking to anyone. Audrey sat in the front seat of Jeffrey’s car. At American Apparel Sam bought blue organic underwear. Outside he held the underwear to his face and said “sustainable.” They walked on the sidewalk and Audrey and Sam talked about “the death-metal voice.” Sam told Audrey to scream “red shirt” at people across the street walking in the same direction as them.

“Red shirt,” screamed Audrey.

A woman in her forties, two teenagers, and a person in a bright red shirt who was maybe twenty turned their upper bodies and looked at Audrey while walking forward. “It’s a family, I think,” said Sam. “They’re ignoring it. That’s so bad for them, a family, it’ll probably be all they talk about later, like when they’re eating.”

Sam walked forward for a few seconds without thinking anything.

“They’re right there,” he said laughing. “We’re like right next to them.”

“That’s why we need to slow down,” said Audrey grinning a little.

They walked around Gainesville for about thirty minutes.

“We should go to the beach,” said Sam.

“I would go to the beach,” said Jeffrey. “Do you want to?”

Sam said he didn’t have swimming shorts. He said he wanted to sit in a park and lie on the grass and drink iced coffee and maybe beer while relaxing in sunlight. Jeffrey said he would do that. Sam pulled a sign out of the ground that said “Yes on 4” and had a drawing of a bear. “We should put it in the ground by where we sit,” said Sam and put it in Jeffrey’s car.

They bought iced coffee and drove to the University of Florida campus and walked around. “The grass looks dead in this area,” said Sam holding his MacBook. “There is no life in this area.” He pointed at people sitting on the grass throwing food in each other’s mouths. Audrey said something about Jesus. Sam said it was a club for throwing food in each other’s mouths. Sam said he felt jealous. Jeffrey was holding the “Yes on 4” sign and a half-gallon Odwalla green juice about one-third full.

“You really look like a hardcore activist,” said Sam laughing.

“Why should we vote yes on 4,” said a middle-aged woman sitting on a lawn chair in a large group of people about thirty feet away.

“I don’t know,” said Jeffrey not looking at the woman.

“No, tell us why we should vote yes on 4,” said the middle-aged woman.

“I don’t know why,” said Jeffrey. “I’m just carrying the sign.”

“Here, you can have it, do you want it,” said Jeffrey in a quiet voice.

“No, don’t,” said Sam. “We need it to put by where we sit.”

They sat on a large area of grass by a crocodile monument and Sam put the “Yes on 4” sign in the ground and opened his MacBook. There was no internet access without a password. It was sunny and maybe 70 degrees. Sam lay on his back. Jeffrey lay on his stomach. Audrey lay on her back.

“Where is Gina,” said Sam.

“She went to take photographs,” said Jeffrey.

Sam asked Audrey about the band she was seeing tonight.

Audrey said Sam should go with her to see the band.

“Everybody always said that Krispy Kreme was supposed to be so delicious but then I tasted one and I said ‘what’s so special about these?’ ” said Jeffrey with a bored facial expression. Sam laughed and said “That would be a good commercial for Dunkin’ Donuts” and recorded Jeffrey repeating what he had said into his MacBook.

“When did you eat the Sausage Egg McMuffin,” said Sam.

“This morning,” said Jeffrey. “Before we left.”

Sam saw Jeffrey drinking from his half-gallon of Odwalla and laughed.

“Stop laughing at my Odwalla,” said Jeffrey grinning.

“Can I see it?” said Sam. “It’s really funny.”

Sam threw the half-gallon container very far away.

“Go get it,” said Jeffrey.

“Are you angry I threw your Odwalla,” said Sam.

“Not really,” said Jeffrey.

Sam said he would roll like a log to go get it. But he was facing the wrong direction. “Roll to go get it, Audrey,” he said. “You’re facing the right direction.”

Audrey started rolling. Sam saw that Jeffrey looked bored.

“It’s funny you got her to do that,” said Jeffrey.

“You’re rolling wrong,” said Sam. “You’re turning.”

“No, wait,” said Audrey rolling on the grass.

“Now you need to roll, like, vertically,” said Sam.

Audrey held the Odwalla and stood. The Odwalla fell in an ant pile. “Ant pile,” said Sam. Audrey threw the Odwalla. Sam picked up the Odwalla and they stood in a triangle throwing the Odwalla at each other. “Jeffrey, you’re not throwing it like a football,” said Sam. “Throw it overhand like a football.” The container of Odwalla broke on the grass. “Are you okay,” said Sam grinning at Jeffrey. “I’ll buy you another one.” Gina put the broken Odwalla container in a trashcan. Sam pointed at something on the grass and said “Jump over that” to Audrey. “Jump over what,” said Audrey. “The bush thing,” said Sam. “Plant. Or fern, perhaps.” Audrey ran and jumped over the side of the plant. “You didn’t jump over it at all,” said Sam. “You just jumped over air.” Sam ran and jumped over the middle of the plant. Audrey ran and jumped over the side of the plant. Sam jumped over it again then stood staring at different things. Gina said she took a photo of an old man holding a can of Dr Pepper in each hand while staring at a squirrel. Sam walked around a little then saw Audrey sitting on a bench looking at him with vines above her head. Sam smiled and put his hands in his pockets and looked at the ground. “What are we going to do,” he said. “I mean, I don’t know, we’re in a park right now, I feel good right now, I feel like I’ll just kill myself after this.”

Jeffrey, Gina, and Audrey were looking at Sam.

“We’re in a park, or something,” said Sam grinning.

“Don’t kill yourself,” said Jeffrey.

“I don’t know what to do,” said Sam.

“People expect you to kill yourself now,” said Jeffrey.

“Really?” said Sam. “I don’t know. Maybe an asteroid will hit me after my next two books come out. I don’t know. I honestly don’t know what to do, like, overall, or something.”

“Draw hamsters,” said Audrey.

“I already did that,” said Sam.

“There’s nothing left for you,” said Audrey.

Sam walked around then kicked his foot making his shoe go very far away. He ran to his shoe and put it back on. He stood on the grass without looking at anything specific.

“Your shoes are ugly,” said Audrey.

“My shoes, no,” said Sam looking at his shoes.

Audrey stepped on Sam’s shoe. “Now it’s okay,” she said. “I’ll do the other one.” She stepped on the other shoe. “That feels good,” said Sam staring at his shoes trying to think about something. He wasn’t really thinking anything, he thought.

Near Jeffrey’s car Audrey got on a bike locked to a bike rack and tried to pedal. Jeffrey and Gina walked ahead. Audrey looked at Sam while trying to pedal. “Try pedaling harder,” said Sam.

At Jeffrey’s car Sam asked Audrey if he could sit in front.