Rachel Cantor - A Highly Unlikely Scenario, or a Neetsa Pizza Employee's Guide to Saving the World

What about the optical lenses I propose to place before people’s eyes to sharpen their vision? Can you not help me with that?

Do as I say. Over and out, and Leonard ran from the room.

Sally wasn’t clapping

Leonard snuck up on the library so no one but Felix would see.

Everyone was fixed on the boy except Sally, who stood against the wall where she could watch both Felix and the door. Her eyes shot lasers at Leonard. He held his stomach with his hand as if he’d been sick and pretended not to see her.

When Felix saw Leonard he was visibly relieved.

Then Celestina said, I love you, Felix, marry me! The end!

The Baconians looked at each other.

Great dream! Leonard said. I heard it from the hall. Fit of gas, he explained for Sally’s benefit. I especially liked the middle part about the …

The castle? Felix said.

No, the other part.

The ogre who tried to steal Celestina?

Yes! Gives us a lot to think about, doesn’t it? What do you think, Stans? How about some applause for young Felix? and Leonard started clapping. The Baconians joined in, confusedly.

Sally wasn’t clapping.

Where were you? she asked, when the rest had gone downstairs to debrief over some primrose tart. I know you weren’t in the hallway farting.

Felix giggled.

Felix made me leave the room. I make him self-conscious. He’s never told his dreams to a crowd before.

Hmm, Sally said, unconvinced.

I’ve been thinking about what you said earlier, Leonard said, about needing someone to guide the Baconians. I may be just the guy you’re looking for.

Hmm, Sally said.

Show us the part of the Voynich that you’ve translated. We’ll see if Felix can help.

This was an offer Sally couldn’t resist. She took the manuscript, which Felix had been holding to his chest, and brought it to the scholar’s desk. She untied the seven knots with which its slipcloth was fastened and removed the book, put on some silk gloves stored inside the slipcloth, and opened the book to a page toward the back, identifiable, she said, by a peculiar drawing of what looked like a woman in a bathtub.

Leonard got his first good look at the manuscript, and started: the script, while unreadable, was familiar, more familiar to him, almost, than the Leader’s Revised Alphabet, more familiar even than Screen Slanguage. It was the script his grandfather had scrawled on the walls all those years before, the script he’d always hoped Leonard could read. He understood now: his grandfather had wanted to know whether Leonard had the Special Gift! It had to be! How proud he would have been to know Felix!

Is she nude? Felix asked, referring to the woman in the bathtub.

Levitov says this drawing represents the Cathar rite of the Endura, but we …

Sally went pale. She stared at the page.

Do you see it, Felix? she whispered. Please, I know you guys aren’t telling me the truth, but tell me, Felix, please, do you see it?

Felix looked at Leonard. He nodded slightly.

Are you asking if the letters are dancing?

Sally nodded. Felix studied the page.

They’re not, Felix said. Not at all.

Sally turned some pages, more quickly than was probably good for the manuscript.

I can’t read any of it. What did you guys do? she whispered. All guile had drained from her face, and when Leonard looked into her eyes, it was only her eyes, bereft and lonely, that he saw.

He considered sticking to his original story, which was that the book had been with Felix, in plain sight, those few moments when he’d been out of the room, but he was finished with lying.

I can’t tell you, Sally. I’m sorry.

She dropped the manuscript and backed away from Leonard.

All this time we assumed Felix was the prophet, but it was you, wasn’t it? I’ve been such a fool! You saw right through me, didn’t you?

I’m not a prophet, Leonard said, but I do like you very much.

If they find out I can’t read this, I’ll be finished!

What do you mean?

Dwane. When I started cracking the Voynich, I put him in his place. We’ve got to get out of here, like, tonight!

At that moment, alarm whistles began to sound.

MAOISTS! someone shouted. THE NEO-MAOISTS ARE HERE!

The three ran to the window and sure enough, neo-Maoists in black climbing suits were surrounding the compound. Inside the courtyard, Latter-Day Baconians were running toward the abbey and returning with armor and arrows. A few had begun climbing the walls.

STOP! Felix shouted out the window. Don’t make me use my powers! They don’t want your stupid manuscript — they want me! Anyone moves, I’ll freeze all of you, and destroy your precious Brazen Head and burn your stupid Voynich and wreck your dumb alchemy lab and anything else I can think of!

Nobody moved.

Is she out there? Felix whispered. Can you see her?

Yes, Leonard said. I see red hair, over by the Brazen Head Enterprises sign. Let’s go. You coming, Sally?

Yes, Sally said. I guess I am.

Susheela growled

Sally grabbed her manuscript and clutchbag, and the three went quickly downstairs.

Sue & Susheela were waiting.

We don’t want to move, but we’d like to kiss the little Stan goodbye, they said.

That won’t be possible, Sally said.

One was holding a dishrag tightly in her hand. Sally was right! What if they’d tried to gag the boy!

Send him kisses, Leonard said. That will do.

Susheela growled.

What I do, it works on nonpeople too, Felix said.

Outside, they found Carol by the sign. Her climbing suit looked a bit tatty and her red afro was matted, but she looked healthy and in good spirits. Felix wrapped his arms around her middle and held on tight.

These folks are from my book group, she said, of the dozen or so neo-Maoists who had gathered round. We wanted to make sure you were okay.

Carol, this is Sally.

Carol looked Sally over.

She’ll do. I gotta go. I ordered a wagonette to take you home.

Is it safe? Leonard asked.

Of course. Casseroles in the freezer. Love you, jujuberry!

She kissed Felix and was off.

As their wagonette pulled away, the Baconians shot a few halfhearted arrows after them.

They’re just trying to prove a point, Sally said.

A point, Felix said. Get it?

I’m sorry about everything, Leonard said.

No, Sally said, I’m sorry.

I really do like you, Leonard said.

Me too, said Sally.

Is your name really Sally?

Of course it is.

You have to learn to trust each other, the driver said, handing back a few of his business cards ( Elphadot, Senior Medium, Acme Medium Emporium ). You pretended to be something you were not, he said, looking back at Leonard, while you pretended to have feelings you didn’t have, he said, looking back at Sally.

Watch the road! Sally said.

I have a message for someone named Leonard?

That would be me, Leonard said.

A blind guy told me to tell you, You did good, boychik. I knew you were a good egg. Does that make sense to you, because it sure don’t make sense to me.

Leonard smiled.

A person could excuse Leonard for smiling. He’d done a good job — Isaac had said so! — and now he was sitting with two of the three people he loved most in the world. Sally, moreover, had no place to go, no choice but to be with him, which was good, because if she had a choice, she might choose otherwise. Life was good, and Leonard was a hero. He’d done things he’d never imagined doing — he’d come up with plans, he’d defeated an entire Baconian empire, sort of. He’d changed the course of history— again! Twice in two days, almost! Only a short while ago, he’d been Just Leonard, who never left his White Room, who solved all problems with conversion scripts and preapproved Listener algorithms. Just Leonard, too shy to be a pizza greeter, living by his wits now! A leader of men!