Rachel Cantor - A Highly Unlikely Scenario, or a Neetsa Pizza Employee's Guide to Saving the World

From what must have been the stoveroom walked the very same, holding identical blue dish towels. Leonard blushed all the way to his shoulders.

I admire your, uh, performances, he mumbled.

He wants to know if you’re married! the boy shouted.

That’s enough, Sally said, and to Leonard’s surprise, Dwane sat down.

Pleased to meet you, Stan, Sue & Susheela said in unison. They smiled and returned to the stoveroom.

Pretty, Sally whispered, but not Dwane’s best work.

You guys have been intercepting my Brazen Head communications? Leonard asked.

You hear that? Dwane said, looking around the table for laughs. He’s wondering if we intercepted his Brazen Head communications! A couple of boys giggled.

I’m serious! Leonard said, emboldened by the presence of Sally.

Stan, you are looking at the Brazen Head!

Your inquiries got flagged, Sally said. You can understand why.

No, I can’t, actually. Look, can Felix get something to eat? Felix? Where’s Felix?

Bacon and eggs

Felix wasn’t in the dining room, or the stoveroom, or the living room.

Don’t worry, Sally said. He can’t get out. He’s here somewhere.

What do you mean he can’t get out?

It’s a safehouse, remember?

We’re locked inside?

You worry too much, Sally said.

As Leonard took the steps upstairs two by two, he realized he wasn’t sure whether he still loved Sally. There was too much he didn’t understand, like who the Baconians were, and why they hated the Cathars, and why they needed a safehouse, and why they’d monitored his Brazen Head communications, and why Isaac thought this had anything whatsoever to do with him.

This floor has the Brazen Head, see? Sally opened a door to an enormous screen room. Leonard had never seen so many screens, one on top of the other. Incoming were hundreds of faces, all unaware they were being cammed. On the floor and on folding tables were plastic toys, as if the room were a children’s playzone. And in fact, two young men sat on swirly chairs facing the screens. One played with a finger puppet, another with a handheld screen game. They looked up briefly, waved at Sally, and said no, there hadn’t been any small boys in there, not for years. Unless you counted Gideon here — at which point Gideon upended the puppeteer.

Down a long hallway were several doors, each leading to a dorm-style bedroom. Some looked more permanent, with messy bunk beds and three-layer dressers, while others appeared more recently inhabited, with collapsible cots and cardboard boxes for storage. Felix was in none of these rooms.

The library’s down there. If he’s not in there, we’ll check Alchemy and Optics.

But Felix was there, in the library, stretched out and snoring on a settee, Bacon’s Opus Majus on his belly, a small cat lying plumply on the book.

That’s Eggs, Sally said. As in—

Bacon and?

See, we do have a sense of humor, she said, though she wasn’t smiling. Let me get you something to eat.

More bacon and eggs

They brought their dinner to the library so they could keep an eye on Felix. It might not have been revolutionary stew, but it looked and tasted just like it, which made Leonard sad. Where was Carol? If the policemen caught her, would she be branded and forced to live outside the city walls? Would Felix be sent to the workhouse? What was that thing Felix had done today??

If the boys are hostile, Sally said, it’s because of the Schism — the wounds are fresh. They’re not ready to trust outsiders.

The Schism?

The Great Split. You know. No, you don’t. The Church of Bacon Scientist split from us some months ago — I’m surprised you didn’t hear about it. They’re in the process of opening a chain called Eggsperiment. It’s mortifying. They’re only interested in Bacon’s empirical work, his study of astronomy and his inventions. They call our work mystification.

Sounds like my sister, Carol. She used to say that about Pythagoreanism. So you’re interested in what, exactly?

Bacon’s work in astrology, alchemy, and new ways of seeing. Dwane’s in charge of re-creating the Brazen Head; Dravidian, whom you haven’t met, is our astrologer; we’ve got a team of alchemists and optic researchers. We’ve also got the Good Friars in the abbey out back. We’re struggling to keep them with us — they’re only interested in Bacon’s more orthodox theology; they think we’re heretics. But if we can crack the Voynich, we’ll unite all the Latter-Day Baconians. That’s my job. The Voynich will make clear the essential unity of the Great Man’s many interests.

I see, Leonard said, though he didn’t.

I knew you would, Sally said.

Leonard stared at his sailing shoes.

I’m really glad we met, he said, unable to look at her.

Me too, Sally said. I feel it was destined.

Me too, Leonard said, and might have said more except Felix stirred, the cat jumped, and the book Felix was holding fell to the ground.

I had the most amazing dream, Felix said.

Don’t mind them

A dream? Sally said, scrambling to her feet. Really? Wait, let me get the others!

What do you mean, the others? Leonard said.

Your nephew’s a Baconian prophet — everyone needs to hear, and off she ran.

Felix got off the couch, somewhat groggily, and got onto Leonard’s lap.

The dream was about someone named Isaac, he murmured. Is that the guy you said you’d tell me about? He had a message for you.

Leonard heard voices, then some shouting downstairs, and the sound of running.

I’ll explain later, I promise, but in the meantime, don’t tell anyone what Isaac said, okay? Not till we know what’s going on.

Gotcha, Stan, he said.

I’d prefer it if you didn’t call me that, Leonard said, and mussed Felix’s hair.

I’m worried about Mom.

What you need is some exercise! Come on! Time for some awesome karate kicks!

Felix nodded enthusiastically. The voices had stopped shouting and Leonard could hear the heavy sounds of young men treading upstairs.

Don’t mind them, he said. Five minutes. I’ll keep time, and Felix began to kick.

A funny dream

One by one, as Felix practiced his kicking, two dozen Baconians crowded into the library. There were the half dozen they’d met at the dinner table, plus Sue & Susheela, plus more in lab coats, even a monk in a brown wool frock.

We’re just waiting for Dravidian, Sally said. He’s on the roof.

Shh, Leonard said, and pointed at Felix.

Several of the lab-coated gentlemen took notes.

Five minutes! Leonard shouted, and Felix stopped, his face pink and triumphant.

That was great! Felix said, and plopped back onto Leonard’s lap.

Best ever, Leonard concurred.

Was that a prophetic ritual? one of the lab men asked another.

A breathless, wizardy guy with a starry cap and gown finally arrived — Dravidian, presumably.

We’re ready, Sally said, looking at Felix with an awe that Leonard couldn’t help wishing he’d inspired.

You guys really want to hear my dream? Felix asked. It seemed better at the time.

The lab guys all had their pens poised over mini notebooks.

Well, he said, and looked up at Leonard, who squeezed his hand. It was sort of like what happened today. All the Pythagoreans and Maoists and other Stans were on the Walking Grounds fighting each other, but slowly. I thought it was funny.

The Baconians looked at each other.

Is that it? one of them asked.

It was funny because none of the Stans got hurt, he said, looking at Leonard.

Sounds very funny, Leonard said, mussing Felix’s afro. What a great dream!

He looked at the others as if challenging them to disagree. They nodded sagely, checked their notebooks, and filed out of the room, murmuring to each other.