Rachel Cantor - A Highly Unlikely Scenario, or a Neetsa Pizza Employee's Guide to Saving the World

I do not like his manner, Leonardo. He will not speak plainly. With him it is always You must take it as a fact, or I assure you most heartily that, or I will give over my wife to you should you find that it is not as I say … When a man speaks in such a manner, I know he lies!

His ideas about what might interest a reader are most peculiar! he said on another occasion. I promise you, the only thing worth recording is these desert adventures of which I have not yet fully spoken. Others will soon return from the lands you have heard me describe; they will recount the customs there — this will happen sooner than you think, and quickly my little book will disappear. But only I can describe the marvels I saw in that desert place, the things I learned to do there. Rustichello is stubborn, however: he will not hear of it! If I write what you say, says he, the world shall call us crazy and foolish and, he is at pains to remind me, he is neither crazy nor a fool. What he wants, though he will not admit it, is to win back his place at court. He cannot stop talking about Edward of England, though what a king would want with such a man, I cannot say.

What does he want to write about? Leonard asked.

Frippery! This is his entire interest! Wealth, excess, opulence — any evidence of riches. Ordinary riches are not sufficient. If I speak of a tower made of silver, he wants one made of gold. If I speak of a palace, he subdivides it into a fantastic number of rooms, each filled with gemstones and silks, the finest paintings, porcelain, and napery. A dinner for one thousand in his telling becomes a ten-day feast for ten thousand. The world knows ordinary riches, says he. No one wants to read about ordinary riches!

Who wants to read about any kind of riches? I reply.

But I misspeak. The knave has another interest. He wishes scandal, he wishes … but my mouth can scarcely form the words!

Try, Leonard said.

He wishes …, Mill had started whispering. He wishes … an affair of the heart. He wishes an amour! Preferably with the wife of the Khan. But I would never! Molesting the wife of my liege would mean death! Do not fear, says he. I shall write it so that you may escape his clutches. In the dark of night! Yes, the dark of night! Wearing the garments of a lady-in-waiting!

I punched him, of course. What choice had I? Despite what he might now say, he landed nowhere near the spittoon, but it is his manner to tell tales that cast himself as victim.

He also has that fascination with war that afflicts those who have never experienced it. He quizzes me most intently about battles I did not witness, battles with no bearing on my tale. It must have been like any other war, I venture. There were elephants, of course, and arrows. People were betrayed, people died. His face turns an unhealthy red when we discuss slaughter on a large scale; he goes into his dank corner, breathing heavily, and scribbles.

There are some things he will not write about, of course. He will not believe that Cathay is bounded by a long, tall wall, fully the length of the country, so he will not write of it. He believes me when I say that cultured folk in Cathay drink an infusion of sticks and leaves, but he finds the practice disgusting and will not describe it. He will not write about foot shrinking …

Foot shrinking?

In Manzi, they swaddle a girl’s feet so tightly her feet will not grow, but instead bleed and exude pus and foul odors until they shrink to the size of an apple. It is on such feet that the poor creature must hobble the rest of her days. The women do this willingly because their men prize small feet. This is the truth, I have seen it! But we must not write such things! he says. Stories such as this will upset the ladies! We must not upset the ladies!

He is a liar and knave, and would make of me the same! Mill stormed.

We can’t have that, Leonard said.

We cannot! Mill cried.

Leonard has a subtle mind

It is an outrage, Mill reported to Leonard a day or two later. The man has been in his corner for days, his back to the rest of us, scribbling. I sensed some outrage was afoot, so when he was on the piss pot, I grabbed his vellum. Do you know what he has written there?

I do not, Leonard said.

It is too shocking to say!

Please try, Leonard said.

You shall take it for the truth! Mill said.

I shall not, Leonard said.

He has heard rumors of Princess Kokachin — all of them untrue! We delivered her intact to Arghun — or rather, to Gha-zan, for by the time we arrived, as I’m sure you know, the lord of the Levant was dead. It is true that she and I developed a rare friendship, it is true that she was young and fair like a rose and we were many months at sea and she wept copiously at our parting, but there was no amour! The prince’s women confirmed that she was whole!

And Rusty?

Rustichello has contrived scenes in which I look at her longingly and she at me; according to his tale, we sleep on the deck of the ship separated only by a sword (dulled, of course, in bloody battle), and that in the midst of a squall, when it seemed we might die — but it is too despicable!

He has gone too far! Leonard said.

I drowned his vellum in the piss pot, I had no choice, but the man is crazed, he says he does not need me. Did he need King Arthur’s approval to write about him? Oh, Leonard, what shall I do? If the world believes I have betrayed my sovereign, I shall never work again!

Your sovereign?

The Great Khan.

Well, that’s it, isn’t it? Remind Rusty that you work for a king. He’s impressed by that sort of thing, right?

He knows I was frequently sent on missions by Kubilai, that we conversed often about what I saw when I returned.

Tell him more. Tell him you were a minister in his government, a Deputy Leader or something.

I do not know what position that might be, but I understand the spirit of your suggestion. You wish me to lie, dear Leonard?

Not lie, exactly. More like a metaphor: invent a position that captures the high esteem in which you were held. The position then becomes a symbol that expresses the truth of your relationship. See what I mean?

Your mind is subtle. I did offer invaluable assistance to the Great Khan in matters of salt …

Think bigger, Leonard said.

Nothing is bigger than salt! Mill said.

Sometimes Leonard forgot whom he was talking to.

Right, Leonard said. Then make yourself the senator of salt, if that does it.

I shall call myself Chief Emissary of Salt!

No, Leonard said. You must be at least a governor. Chief emissary is not enough.

The governor of Yang-chau! Mill said. I was there for a time. You know, they use paper lucre in Yang-chau.

That’s a start, Leonard said. But we need something more. Rusty’s a war nut, right? Tell him about your fierce battles, tell him you killed many warriors with your bare hands. Make him fear you.

But I have killed no one! Even the galley I commanded at Curzola was captured before we laid eyes on the enemy.

Find a way to make the statement symbolically correct.

I understand you, dear Leonard! I understand you. I heard someone speak once of deadly trebuchets …

Excellent! Leonard said.

A compromise

Rustichello and I have come to an understanding, Mill said the next night. He will destroy all tales of Kokachin, and I will allow him leeway on matters related to war and wealth. I have told him that humility prohibits me from speaking at length about my governorship or about my role in breaking the siege of Siang-yang-fu; he may mention these facts but I will not elaborate. Your advice, dear Leonard, has saved my reputation and that of Kokachin. Please, tell me if there is anything I may do for you — absolutely anything! When I am released I will speak to the officials who imprison you! I shall be rich then and all will know me. I will hire you as my advisor — you shall meet the Great Khan!