Darryl Pinckney - Black Deutschland

Our documents were in order. Odell wanted the police to come in to see how much in German order the bar and everything about it was. They’d handed our passports or cards or registrations back to us, the Americans, without comment. Bags had expired, laminated army ID. But he’d refused to get lost. He was an American. The police were deferential to Zippi. I did not know until that night that she was an Israeli. I also think I learned that she and Odell weren’t married and that she was the sole owner of the bar.

Show us the way to the next whiskey bar. Bruised and sore, I felt wonderful, connected, thoroughly in Berlin. Bags knew a painter with a storage closet on Moritzplatz, in Kreuzberg, an oval at the bottom of a dead-end street leading up to the Wall. It was quiet and Turkish. Mice ate at canvases during the night. They didn’t bother me, spread out on Manfred’s futon. I had been the kind of guy who freaked at the way they flicked along your peripheral vision, that something extra in the room. But I’d become badass.

He said it was because his friends pulled a white priest from a car and beat him for five minutes. He said just one three-minute regulation round was a very long time when you were being hit. He said it was because he and his friends surrounded a bus and terrified everyone on board with the Confederate war cry. Mostly that day, he rebel-yelled through the trees, running so fast in his new red high-tops that he overtook the black demonstrators to his right who were being chased by white teens like him.

He said it was because he belonged. He’d been on South Sixty-Third Street when the high school students from up in Belmont-Cragin wouldn’t let the demonstrators go beyond that point. He said it was because it was their turn in the streets. He’d been in Marquette Park when white citizens of Chicago threw bottles and rocks at the colored people taking cover behind the line of police. A friend sat on his shoulders in order to see over the helmets.

He’d been behind the line of smoke inside the park when the mood among them turned. He said that when the police finally charged, people ran in every direction, and therefore so did he and his friends. Their battle plan fell apart. The thud of police boots terrified him, he said.

He was with people he didn’t know by this point, he said. Fear had darkened everything around him. They happened on a group of five women. He had not expected anyone to hit a woman. A white guy caught one of the white women with a simple cross. He said she was lifted off her feet, almost parallel to the ground. The other women threw their bodies on top of the fallen body of their friend. They prayed, he said. The guy who hit the white woman hollered “Go home” over his shoulder as his gang sprinted into the tree line toward a golf course.

* * *

I had come back to Chicago to help out Dad, I told myself. I’d come to lend support to Mom. Uncle Ralston and the Eagle had failed. Dad got the so-called board to call in the receivers over Uncle Ralston’s head. Everything Uncle Ralston had was being readied for the lawyers. I’d been helping out for far longer than I had anticipated.

Two bald janitors from the Eagle wheezed and I said that I would shift the files and microfilm to their final resting place in the room that used to be Cello’s privy chamber. We shook hands. Their smiles contained a great deal of precious metal. They rocked back downstairs, last paychecks signed by Dad in their pockets.

I’d had a summer of lying low. Bags invited me to his old lady’s place in Schöneberg and I watched them drink. The suffering of hanging out in a Schöneberg that Manfred had dumped wasn’t helped by the speedy coke I got from Bags. I was glad when I had to admit that I didn’t have the money. He would have turned me on anyway, but his old lady was on his case about loose business practices. He hung out in more than one bar or café, but the ChiChi was most like home to him. He didn’t understand my need to stay away from it for certain periods, precisely because I could so easily convince myself that the ChiChi was home.

I’d been dropped officially from Rosen-Montag’s Japan plans before the summer started. I visited the inland docks and the closed Art Deco swimming pools and the unused subway stations that had interested Manfred. There was nothing I was yet willing to do about the feeling. One day I went to East Berlin and sat. I used the border crossing at the train station on Friedrichstrasse and felt myself in my private movie. I sat in the Lustgarten, where young Nazis had burned cartloads of books. I sat in a youth club in the basement of the Ratskeller, trying to overhear a man who had something to do with the building’s restoration talk to a group of expressionless students.

I had to show myself that I could manage homelessness, the short-term renting and long-range crashing. I could improvise, I could jump on what circumstances offered. I could do it not as a falling apart, but as a getting it together.

Because Bags’s painter friend wasn’t paying for his storage space, nobody brought up the matter of my paying anyone either. Consequently, I had enough money to eat rice and drink Turkish coffee for a while. Coke was for others; travel was for others. I mentioned my thirtieth birthday to no one. Then one fine day I did not have the money to feel part of the West Berlin daydream of My home is the sea / My friends are the stars / Over Rio and Shanghai.

* * *

It was easy to be sober in Chicago. Mom continued to phone Cello, because of the Eagle ’s demise, though I knew Cello cared less than her mother or my brother about the newspaper. But it had been a long time since talk came easily between them. One afternoon Mom was electric with the news that she and Cello had discussed how hard the Grieg Concerto used to be for her and how she could almost breeze through it now. Mom no longer hid the row of medicines she took in the mornings.

Cello never referred to how often she and her little sister and brother had been dropped off at our house at the last minute or how often my father had gone to pick them up, to give them some stability, as Mom called it, while their parents went through their latest drama. Then came the night of the big fire and she didn’t really leave again until she went to the conservatory.

She’d found her way back to Mom, even if I sometimes suspected that she felt toward my parents the loyalty a sovereign lady restored to her throne might have for the folk who protected her in her exile. Her feelings toward my parents she kept on a channel completely separate from her feelings toward me. I was keeping her secrets, and she’d helped me out, but I was not rewarded with a new intimacy. It didn’t matter, compared with the sense of power I now felt in my relationship with Cello.

Before, it had been okay to owe her because she owed Mom. But now she owed me and I could do the grown-up thing, the male relative thing: I could forget it, call us even. I’d looked out for her, in my way. I thought I was so butch, suddenly needed by the first black winner of the Stokowski Society competition, she who hardly ever needed me before or cared. It was my turn to be cool about her, and therefore as cool as she.

I was impressed with myself. I was not hinting that I was keeping the lid on something big: Cello was an Ibsen play in blackface. To lie and to keep my own secrets had been the chief strategy of my life, but complete discretion for someone else’s sake was a new experience of maturity for me.

I ventured again to Mom that I’d been emotionally ambushed when that friend who had given me sanctuary in his place took a job in West Germany. Mom’s tone said she understood that I’d tell her about Manfred when I was ready. But it was she who was putting me off. As a subject, my private life was not reliably housebroken. If I could just not bring Berlin inside, not after she’d gone to the trouble of washing and waxing the difficult, messed-up floors of that part of the house.