Regan Wolfrom - Catholic Guilt and the Joy of Hating Men

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Catholic Guilt and the Joy of Hating Men: краткое содержание, описание и аннотация

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Nine Women. Nine Stories. And nothing ordinary about them. From the slightly askew mind of Regan Wolfrom comes this collection of hilariously dark tales of love, death, and
timing.
Heather Smythe Pretty. Shy. About as lapsed as a Catholic can get.
Heather’s trapped in the a cult of killer succubi with a taste for East Hollywood douches.
(“High Times at the Sixth Annual Succubus Sisters Garage and Bake Sale”)
Amanda Hackensack Somewhat tall. Can’t dunk. Never knew her father.
Amanda wakes up in a world of voodoo and zombies that she knows shouldn’t exist.
(“The Zombification of Amanda Hackensack”)
Marguerite Frunkel Lonely. Awkward. Painfully ginger.
Marguerite finds two strange little gnomes who show her just what she’s been missing.
(“Gnome on Girl on Gnome: A Love Story”)
Laura Daniels Political outsider. Maverick. Avowed crazy cat lady.
Laura learns the sinister truth behind her unexpected electoral success.
(“The Siamese Candidate”)
Stephanie Munro Hard working. Hard drinking. Hard to please.
Stephanie comes to regret taking a trip on the edge of the world with people she knows she shouldn’t trust.
(“The Raven’s Head Dagger and the Custom of the Seas”)
Marie-Claire Grimson Pink hair. Pretty smile. Likes to eat people.
Marie-Claire may soon discover that meat is murder no matter how you slice it.
(“Vegans Are F**king Delicious”)
Maddy McKay A little lonely. A little self-conscious. Starving to death.
Maddy’s trying to slim down to starving model size, but her little housemates don’t seem all that supportive.
(“Maddy McKay and the Elves in Her House”)
Vanessa Dervoe Softball legend. Proud Yooper. Breathes underwater.
Vanessa’s strange gift has gotten her nowhere in life, stuck in a sad amusement park and surrounded by death.
(“The Ocean Goddess and The Home Run Queen”)
Kara Hermin Mysterious. Troubled. Loads of fun at parties.
Kara’s lived a long and dangerous life, and may be forced to live it all over again.
(“Born Again at Granny’s Cave”)
I’ve always been drawn to stories about women who are
, like not necessarily because of their skill with a broadaxe or their ability to toss on their nunsuit and fly over the streets of Lubbock, Texas.
These stories are about women who are thrown into situations that are completely what the f**k, and about how they work to take control of their destinies.
Oh, and
. And
, of course. And something about
. I did mention
, right?
Regan Wolfrom
Harry the Adventurous Hamster After a break from writing to attend puberty, and to eventually sell six packs of Molson Canadian to his misnamed crush, Moosehead Girl, Regan returned to the craft with reckless abandon and a gallon jug of iced tea with just a smattering of extremely cheap rum.
Regan is now the author of the
series (with only one mention — so far — of zombie erections) and the slightly less controversial
series (which, while appropriate for a YA audience, is still more likely to have
zombie erections at some point). Regan hopes to one day write a novel set on Mars while sitting in his boxer shorts on the actual Red Planet, and everything that comes before that is really just his way of saving up for the one-way trip.
Though Regan has been shafted by residency requirements in his pursuit of the MacArthur genius grant, his current fiction is considered to be of high caliber, reflecting a marked improvement in style and grammar from the aforementioned thing with the hamster. It also has far fewer graphic scenes of pound puppy plushes having sex in the back of a shoebox with paper wheels.
What does Regan have to say about Regan? For a more in-depth tour of Regan’s unresolved childhood issues, be sure to read one of his stories. From the Author
About the Author “I recently passed up the chance to hassle Samuel L. Jackson.” “I’ve always wanted to change my name to something boring, like Hugh Howey.” “I know how to cook six things. None of them are oatmeal.” “I write stories that are weird, a little dark, and definitely inappropriate for my children. It could be tough to keep that going when they get to be as old and weird as I am today.” “Oh… and my dog is in love with me… like… in a disturbing way.”

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“This is a joke,” Cadance said. “Dad… what is going on?”

“Don’t call me that,” the older man said. “You know I don’t like it when you call me that.”

“Then fuck you, Fallon,” Tiara said.

I almost thanked her for not saying “feck”.

“Please get in,” Pouchon said. “Don’t make me bite off another ear.”

The two Allen girls stepped into the stall.

Pouchon closed and locked the gate.

“Now go get a shovel,” Fallon said.

Pouchon started walking towards the tack room.

I stood up and walked over to the locked gate. “How can you do this to your own daughters?” I asked.

“Step-daughters,” Fallon replied. “There’s no blood here. Just two whiny anchors around my neck that I’ll be shaking off momentarily.”

“Congratulations,” I said. “So what about the rest of us? Have you given any thought to letting us go?”

He laughed. “I see why Pouchon keeps talking about you, Amanda, why he almost fucked up the entire plan just because he thinks you’re cute.”

“I was thinking on my feet,” Pouchon called out from down the aisle. “Maybe if you’d been around to help, Captain Alibi.”

“Zombie or no zombie, you were supposed to kill her with the others.”

“Haven’t you noticed? None of these girls are zombies anymore. I’m guessing someone forgot to give them their shots.”

“I missed a couple days,” Cadance said. “It happens.”

“That wasn’t supposed to happen anymore,” Fallon said. “I’m so glad you won’t have another chance to fuck things up.”

“This isn’t fair,” Cadance said.

“I think it is,” Fallon said.

Pouchon walked back down the aisle carrying two shovels.

“Yeah, sure,” Fallon said. “Like I’m going to be shovelling.”

“It’ll take twice as long if it’s just me,” Pouchon said. “That safe is under six feet of clay.”

“Good point, man. We’ve got half a dozen macoutes locked in their cells doing nothing. Let’s go grab them.”

“Let’s hope Cadance has been giving them their shots,” Fallon said.

“I remembered them,” Cadance said. “I wish I hadn’t.”

“We’ll be back, girls. You’ve probably got an hour or two before it happens. You should play charades or something.”

The two men walked out of the stable, closing the door behind them.

I heard Fallon curse. The stable door opened up again.

“Where the hell are the trucks?” he asked.

“What do you mean?” Tiara said.

“Both trucks are missing. Trailers, too. What the hell did you girls do?”

“I don’t know what happened. They were here this afternoon…”

“Goddamn Kat…” he said as he slammed the door shut.

“I think we’re screwed,” Cadance said. “Even if the drugs have worn off on those guys…”

“Of course they’re wearing off,” I said. “That’s how Arty came to, isn’t it?”

“Yeah… so what do we do?”

She was looking right at me. They all were.

“I don’t have any ideas,” I said.

“I don’t understand,” Tiara said. “Why is our stepfather chumming around with the asshole who bit my fecking ear off?”

“And killed Rarity,” Cadance said.

“God…”

“Are they really going to kill us?” sayra asked.

“Probably,” I said.

“If we’re lucky he might ship us to the barracks instead,” Tiara said. “Maybe we can convince my father to let us live.”

“Your stepfather,” I said. “What are the barracks?”

“It’s where we keep the real zombies,” Cadance said. “The guys we have here are step one in the process.”

“Step one?”

“Three months of observation,” Tiara said. “To see if the treatment is working… to check if they’re suggestible enough. Then they’re sent to Kathleen at the barracks… for training.”

“Training for what? Mucking stalls? Making teddy bears?”

“There are no counterfeit teddy bears, you idiot,” Cadance said. “And you girls are supposed to be in charge of mucking stalls after this batch.”

“Then what’s the training for?”

“She’s building an army.”

“An army? What for?”

Cadance rolled her eyes. “What do you think she’d use an army of zombies for?”

“Beating back crowds on Black Friday?”

“To take over the government. Gawd .”

“But some of them escaped,” Tiara said. “Things have gotten right pear-shaped of late.”

“Escaped?”

“Yeah… two of them, hiding out somewhere in the woods.”

“So even if we get out of here, there’s a chance we’ll get attacked out there?”

“I would have expected them to hear us when we were out on the road,” Tiara said.

I sat down in the straw, leaning my head against the wall. “Fuck… me…” I said. I didn’t know how anything could work out. Everything felt completely hopeless, but I was too tired to cry.

And then I was asleep.

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Sayra woke me up, shaking my shoulders.

“What the hell is going on?” I asked.

“We don’t know,” Sayra said. “Something horrible. There were gunshots and screaming.”

“So we’re locked in a horse stall waiting to die and things may have just gotten worse?”

The stable door opened.

“Get out,” Fallon said. He was frantically flapping his arms at us.

“No way,” Tiara said. “We’re not doing anything you tell us to do.”

“Then sit here and get eaten. The macoutes are attacking.”

“The escaped zombies?” I asked.

“All of the zombies,” Fallon said. “A goddamn army of them.”

“So that includes the escaped zombies?”

“What the hell is wrong with you?”

“How did they get here?” Tiara asked.

“Well, they brought back my horse trailers,” Fallon said. “Thanks for that. Pouchon’s trying to block the front door, but they’ll get through sooner or later.” He pounded his hand against the metal gate. “Shannard planned the whole thing.”

“She probably did,” I said. “One big dress rehearsal. But don’t worry… her body’s stuffed in Gary’s trunk.”

“Why would Gary kill her and stuff her in his trunk?”

“Gary may or may not be dead in the woods.”

“She’s not dead,” Pouchon said. “She’s not so easy to kill.”

“We don’t have time for this,” Tiara said. “Remember? Zombies?”

“We can just hide in the stall,” I said. “I’ll bet they won’t even find us.”

“Those macoutes can hear your goddamn heart beating. They’ll find us. If they have to pry these metal bars apart they’ll get in here.”

“So what exactly is your plan?”

“You girls will block them at the door. Hell, there’s a chance some of you might even get out of here.”

“That’s stupid,” I said. “There must be another way out. How do you get the horses out of here? They can’t fit through the front door.”

“I’m not an idiot. But I’m not leaving until I can get into that safe.”

“And how’s that going? Get any help with that?”

“Almost had my skull bashed in, actually.” He grabbed Cadance by the shoulders and pushed her against the wall. “Thanks for that.”

“I was hoping they’d kill you,” Cadance said.

“Someone else might,” Fallon said. “But I’m sure you’ll get yours first.” He threw her down into the straw. “And we’re out of shells thanks to you. Pouchon had to kill three of them by hand.”

“Poor guy,” I said.

“You girls need to get over to the front door.”

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