Regan Wolfrom - Catholic Guilt and the Joy of Hating Men

“You’re an asshole.”

“Listen Cadance… you need to tell me where there’s a phone.”

“There used to be one in the lab here,” she said. “But my father took it out because it was a separate line from the house phone and the phone company’s just started raping everyone who still has a landline.”

“I don’t care. Where is there a phone now?”

“I told you. At the house.”

“And I’ll bet your cellphone’s at the house, too?”

She nodded. “It’s charging.”

“Okay… we need to talk this out. What will it take for all three of us to walk out of here?”

“You want to let him go?”

“No. He can wait here for the cops. I meant you, me, and Tiara.”

“No cops.”

“Whatever. I don’t care. I just need to know that Tiara won’t shoot me.”

“Yeah… I’m pretty sure she’s going to shoot you. I mean… you know too much, obviously.”

“Well that’s just stupid,” I said. “So now I’m going to have to kill her.”

“Let’s kill her together,” Pouchon said. “Untie me and we can set up some kind of ambush. Like old times.”

I laughed.

It didn’t take me long to realize that Pouchon had the right idea.

When Tiara got the outer door open she didn’t bother being quiet. She called out my name along with some very English words that sounded dirty enough to me.

I stood by the door to the lab, behind where it would swing open, holding a steel bedpan. I was tempted to try and fill it up before it was time to use it.

Cadance was trying to call out, but the latex glove I’d shoved in her mouth was muffling her well enough for Pouchon’s unsettling laughter to drown out the sound.

He was loving every second of having a naked woman tied overtop of him, yet another reason why there’s something just not right with the guy who keeps trying to eat people.

Tiara stepped into the room and screamed. “What the hell are you doing, Cadance?” she said. “Get off him!”

Then she noticed the gauze wrapped around her sister’s face. She ran up to the table, the shotgun hanging over her shoulder by its strappy thing.

I stepped out from behind the door and swung the bedpan at Tiara’s head.

She fell against the table, trying to brace herself without touching anyone.

“Ow,” she said.

I’d expected her to be dazed, at least.

She shoved me and I dropped the bedpan before I had a chance at a second swing. She reached for the shotgun.

I decided to run. If she chose to untie her sister before chasing me, I knew I might be able to make it out.

“Get that thick arse of yours back here, Amanda,” she said. “Or I’ll shoot your friends.”

“What friends?” I called back. And then I remembered.

“If you think leaving them behind would feel right awful, imagine how it’ll feel to leave them to be shot and buried under the hay shed.”

I didn’t slow down. It wasn’t like Tiara was going to spare my teammates just because I gave myself up. Their only chance was for me to get help.

I reached the outside door and swiped the access card, panicked for a moment that it might not work.

But the red light went green, and I pushed the door open and ran outside.

It looked like the sun was still a few hours from rising; I hoped that meant that I wouldn’t run into Gary and his cattle prod on my way out.

I didn’t have time to go into the house and look for a phone; Tiara would be coming for me again. I made my way through the empty parking lot and up the driveway.

The gate was wide open, and I wondered if my luck had changed.

Then I saw Gary lying in the middle of the road, a small plastic remote lying beside him. There wasn’t much blood, but enough that I didn’t expect him to be getting up right away.

I knelt down to check his pulse, or more realistically, to see if I even knew how to check someone’s pulse.

I felt a hand clamp over my mouth and pull. My whole body was lifted upward, and I automatically started trying to kick whoever it was that was holding me.

“Who are you?” the man asked me.

“Health inspector?”

He let go of my mouth and I’m pretty sure I dropped more than a foot down to the ground, falling onto my knees in the process. I turned around to see the large Chinese man who may or may not have been checking out my ass in Stable D.

“I thought you were one of Fallon’s daughters.”

“I guess you’re another fake zombie?” I asked.

“In a manner of speaking… except I’m not one to eat people.”

“So you know about that.”

“People like to talk in front of the apparent undead. Believe me, not every convicted felon has the same disregard for human life. I’m really sorry about that.”

“You’re probably the nicest murderer I’ve met all day,” I said as I slowly stood up.

“I’m not a murderer.”

“My apologies.” I decided not to draw any attention to the possibly dead body lying at my feet.

“I woke up two days ago,” the man said. “I don’t recall anything that happened after I was transferred here in June. Not the work release program I’d anticipated.”

“Yeah… I heard about that. Sorry. So why are you still here?”

“I don’t know where I’m going.”

“Well, Tiara could show up any minute, so I know where I’m headed.”

“Be careful. They’ll be looking for you. She’ll be looking for you.”

“Kathleen Shannard? Have you seen her?”

“I’ve only heard of her,” he said. “You should have heard old Gary here when he started on about her. Like she’s Satan’s mother-in-law. Just… be careful.”

I gave him a nod before I started walking, because that’s what you do, even when some guy’s lying motionless on the ground; my parents raised me right.

I walked out to the main road and considered my options. I had no idea where I was. Near Rutland or something? Which in theory was in Vermont, which matched the license plates I’d seen yesterday.

And it matched the license plate of a silver sedan that was idling on the shoulder.

“Is this your ride?” I asked him.

“That was the plan.”

“Well if you’re not using it…”

“No, I’ll be using it. I guess.”

“Oh. Okay.”

“Head to your left,” the Chinese man said. “That’ll take you into town.”

“Are you sure?”

“I’m a Green Mountain Boy, born and bred.”

I took him at his word. “Thanks,” I said. “I don’t mean to butt in, but is there any way you could avoid killing those two idiots?”

“I’m not a murderer,” he said. “I’ll do what I can.”

“Uh… thanks.”

I started walking up the road. I checked back every minute or so, but no one was following me. The car was still sitting on the shoulder, its headlights on and I assumed its motor still running.

It was cold by then, the wind chilling my bare legs. It’s amazing how much that can slow a person down. It was dark and the moon was covered in cloud, and the road was completely empty.

I didn’t know how long a walk I had.

I couldn’t help but feel guilty for leaving my teammates behind. If the Chinese guy was able to snap out of the macoute thing somehow… that meant I wasn’t just turning my back on some brainless zombies.

I kept walking.

The first house I found along the road had some lights on upstairs; I rang the doorbell and a dog started barking.

A woman with long red hair answered the door. She was in a housecoat, but her face was caked in white makeup; she reminded me of that English queen who pasted herself up… Cate Blanchett.