J. Donleavy - Schultz

“Well I’m sure that you do, Pricilla. But I don’t. And I wouldn’t want to know. Please Pricilla, can’t you just go back to bed. You’re making a mountain out of a mole hill.”

“Don’t tell me what to do in my house.”

“Pricilla, god, I’m not telling you.”

“And what’s this. Over here. Look at this. This is his tie, he wore tonight to the opening.”

“It couldn’t be. It’s my boyfriend’s.”

“You liar you came here to escape your boyfriend. And I let you into my house. This is his tie clip. Initials S.F.S. Is this your boyfriend’s. Is it. You fucking betraying treacherous bitch.”

Pricilla rushing forward. The candle on the dresser toppling over and falling to the floor. Two bodies bouncing on the mattress over Schultz’s head. Screams and scratching. Holy jeeze. Here we go folks. I wish the fuck this didn’t have to happen. Thank god the candle’s just gone out. With what’s going to happen now, any darkness is merciful.

“I’ll kill you, you slut.”

“Get off me.”

“I’ll kill you.”

Dust and debris dropping down into Schultz’s face. Jeeze. I’m choked. This fucking house. I once called a home. I lived in decently and civilized as a respectable occupant once. Holy god. Pricilla’s going to ruin that beautiful piece of ass. Christ, who knows maybe this should be flattering to my ego.

“I’ll tear your tits off you cunt. You cunt.”

Schultz pulled his shirt over his face as more dust puffed down. They’re murdering each other. Fond du mots. Grunting, thumping, screaming and groaning. Am I a dumb bastard. Momma meeo. What a dumb bastard I am. What the fuck is it I can’t do things in the right sequence. If ever guidance and flexuosity was needed in my life, it’s. now. Greta and Roxana’s fight turned into the greatest bout of screwing. But these two are never ever going to love each other again.

“Pricilla, stop, stop. O god. My face. My face.”

“Teach you a lesson you dirty slut.”

Grunts, groans, and curses turning to choking croaks. O Jesus one of them is giving out last gasps. Somebody’s hands are around somebody’s throat. Got to make an appearance now. Even stark fucking naked. To save lives. God gives me for every little sprinkle of pleasure, a deluge of horror. Never did I know how well off I was two hours ago behind bars in jail.

Schultz squirming out. Crawling on hands and knees, entangled in a piece of underwear torn pulling it on. An arm through where it should have been a leg. And a leg wound in the lamp cord. A crash of white pottery. There goes another light out forever. Just rip everything off. Jesus where am I. I’ve been hit already. I wish I was miles away.

“There he is you bitch, the fucking bastard. Hiding under the bed. You hussy.”

Pricilla kneeling astride Agnes. Her hand pressed down squeezed around her throat. Holy shit, got to hold this tiger. Who came into my life like she wouldn’t hurt a moth.

“Let go of her. You’re killing her. Let go for christ’s sake.”

“Shut up you.”

Schultz tearing at the fingers. Shit suddenly she’s got the fucking strength of a stevedore. When at any other time she could have fainted, now she’s wide awake alive like a maniac. When here’s something for her to faint about. When it would make everybody happy. Instead she erupts like an insane volcano.

“You’re killing her for christ’s sake. Let go.”

Schultz hauling back and releasing a left hook slapping Pricilla’s jaw. Holy jeeze. Like hitting fucking granite wall all of a sudden. Hey what’s this.

Light coming in the door. O no. Please Jesus. Not that. Not the fucking walrus behemoth whale. Tits heaving like ocean waves. Three candles blazing on her ice breaking bow.

“What’s going on in here.”

Mrs. Prune in a black satin nightdress pushing her plate of candles on the dresser. Three flames flickering in the mirror. Shadows on the wall. The imitation crystal ceiling chandelier tinkling as the weight of the behemoth vibrated the floor and window panes.

“It’s you again. Striking my daughter. You beast. Being arrested doesn’t teach you a lesson.”

“Fuck you madam, there’s a killing going on here.”

“I’ll kill you, that’s who I’ll kill.”

“Get your fucking hands off me, you tub of lard.”

Mrs. Prune pounding forward. Her arms grabbing around the stark naked Schultz. As his one free hand grabbed out clutching at her hair. Which holy shit. No. My god. The whole fucking thing is coming off her completely bald head. This is the end of my life. If only I could get to the window to jump. Like her husband did. Out away from this Arab Israeli war to end all wars.

“Give me back my hair.”

“Let fucking go of me.”

Schultz shaking loose. Pricilla arms flailing. Agnes, arms up shielding her face, still gasping for air. Schultz throwing punches. Landing sinking in these bottomless bosoms. O god. I can’t look. The sight makes me sick. She looks like a man. Except for her mountainous tits. Fucking hell the behemoth is going to hit me with the rest of the broken lamp.

“Put that down you bitch.”

“My daughter. You’re trying to make her miscarry.”

“Shit, stop, stop everybody.”

“Look at you. Look at you. Disgusting pervert. With your penis erected. I’m going to smash that prick and balls with this lamp.”

The bald headed behemoth stalking him. Schultz circling backing away. Sounds of sobbing. Agnes hands up to her face. Pricilla at the bedside, fists clenched, snarling down.

“That’s what you deserve you sneaky slut.”

“You’ve hurt me, my neck, you’ve hurt me.”

“Next time it will be your brains I’ll knock out. And you get out of this house. And I never want to set eyes on or speak to you again. Who do you think you are.”

“I am your best friend. He came in. He had nowhere to go.”

“Except up you, is that right.”

“No no. Nothing. Not a thing happened. He said he was cold and hungry.”

“For a piece of ass as he always is.”

“We did nothing. And you’ve scratched my face.”

“I smell his sperm.”

“Please, Pricilla. Leave me alone. Leave me alone.”

Schultz cornered between the dresser and the window. One of the landlord’s ersatz antique chairs held legs up jabbing at Mrs. Prune. By the dawn’s early light. Cold draught of air on my arse. The behemoth standing, her eyes wide eyed. Staring transfixed. Catching her breath. Holy Jesus the most horrible obscene sight of my existence. They saw you get a hard on at a hanging. She’s mesmerized. Can’t take her eyes off it. Give it a twitch. For once in my life my stiff prick is saving me from a broken arse. With an erection you could use as a high diving board. Giving such signals. And making in this situation my prick go wagging up and down pointing at the bald behemoth. Still got her jet black wig in my hand. Just watch me. I’m going to god damn well put it on. Top of my head.

And go

Fucking

Gay

Ding a ling a ling. Jesus what’s that. Ringing. I fell asleep again. Dreaming I was walking bare arsed across the desert in the setting sun towards the Grand Canyon. Dragging tattered clothes behind me. Mumbling to myself that the only thing left to do was die and forget. Then suddenly I’m running. When who should come chasing two miles behind me. His stiff prick out two miles six inches long. Nudging me in the ass. Fucking Herbie. Sylvia’s twat was the canyon ahead. No escaping nightmares. Break my arm reaching for this telephone.

“Hello.”

“So that’s where you are.”

“Where am I. Who’s this.”

“This is Al. So now you’re at the Dorchester.”