J. Donleavy - Schultz

“Holy Jesus Al, I’ve had a night.”

“You’re telling me you had a night. Other people had one too.”

“Al what time is it.”

“Don’t ask me the time. My god you’re a skunk.”

“Al I had to check into this place at five a.m. with a shoe and sock missing off one foot. Shirt torn.”

“So what’s new about that. Last time I heard you were there wearing the vertical half of a morning suit and jamming up the doors of the hotel with the other half.”

“Holy christ Al. Be a friend for a second. What time is it. I got to be in Court this morning and I lost my watch and I can’t turn my neck to look at the clock on the wall because I was nearly strangled last night.”

“Tell me if it is correct that you’re married already.”

“Yes Al it’s correct. Unfortunately.”

“So I’m asking you just one question. I want to know why do you do it. Why.”

“Why do I do what, Al.”

“Try to fuck every woman you come across.”

“The production’s at stake. And you ask that.”

“Yes, why. I want to know why.”

“Al. When I tell you, you’re not going to believe me.”

“You just tell me that’s all.”

“I’m looking for true love, Al.”

Schultz holding the telephone to his ear with his shoulder. Reaching for a glass of water. Ferrying it up from the bedside table. Silence and breathing the other end of the line. Jesus Al mustn’t have been ready for that one. So convinced is he that there are no finer feelings in me.

“Hello, Al. You still there.”

“I’m still here.”

“Well Al, that’s why I have to fuck all these women.”

“Jesus, you would even demean love, wouldn’t you.”

“Shit Al, I mean it. I’m looking for a girl I can love.”

“You don’t know what love is. You know what rape is. That’s what you know. Like you did last night. Is that how you look for love.”

“Al. Rape. Who did I rape now. Who.”

“You raped Agnes. Then attempted rape on Pricilla’s mother.”

“Raped Agnes. Holy shit. Fuck a duck. Now look what you made me do. Spill my fucking water all over me in bed.”

“Good.”

“Al I already got to go to Court. In a borrowed pair of shoes and socks from the hotel. Don’t abuse me this time of the day. I’ve got to be at action stations over the show. Have you seen the reviews. Can you imagine what my life’s been like I haven’t even seen them yet.”

“Yeah I saw. They stink.”

“Holy shit. All of them.”

“Every one but two. One written by an imbecile. And the other by a guy thought he was writing about some other show.”

“Al, I’ll ring you back. I got to take an awful crap.”

“You crap. That’s all you’re good for. Don’t bother to call me back. Because this is just to say on behalf of your investors to close the show immediately and cut losses.”

“The investors can go fuck themselves Al. I’ll close when I decide to close.”

“That’s exactly the constant kind of irresponsible stupid behaviour I’ve come to expect from you.”

“O come on, Al. Do you always have to be like the way you always are. It’s only a little more money we could lose.”

“It’s not your money you’re losing.”

“Al don’t be a geriatric grandmother. What are you going to do leave me friendless now.”

“You son of a bitch. Pricilla’s mother is under intensive psychiatric care as a result of you. You pulled her wig off. Traumatized her.”

“Please don’t make me feel sick Al. Please. Not before I even have breakfast with the waiter knocking at the door this second. Come in. How was I to know she had a wig jumping out of the dark at me in my own fucking house which is now like a circus where I live that I have to move into a hotel.”

“You tried to rape her too. Your own mother in law and right in front of your wife.”

“Al. Are you crazy. Touch that hell hag ogre. I couldn’t under pain of death put my prick in that. I’d rather put it in a mincer. You just don’t understand.”

“I understand. After you pulled her wig off you charged at her with your upraised prick. Which plus your balls should be put into a mincer.”

“Waiter just push the table between the beds. That fine. Thank’s a lot. O.K. Al. Please. Listen a second. I didn’t charge anybody. I admit I had a giant hard on. I don’t know all there is to know about physiology. But I think it was petrified fear that gave the erection.”

“A female bee flying by would give you an erection.”

“Hey will you listen Al. I’m telling you I was as surprised as anybody when I saw it myself believe me. It was some kind of involuntary medical aberration.”

“It was your crazed sexual appetite. Which needs compulsory medical treatment. Meanwhile you should be committed to a zoo.”

“Al goodbye. I love you. But I just don’t have time this moment to submit to your usual avalanche of criticism. I’ll talk to you later.”

Schultz shaved, showered and dressed. Waiting in the cloistered peace of the hall landing and looking out this window down on to a little roof garden below planted with blossomed flowers between the white wings of this soul soothing hotel. The elevator door opening. A slender perfumed lady inside with an alligator bag. Beige tweed suit. Blond soft hair. Jesus she could be a grandmother. But I’d go to bed with her at the drop of her big ochre felt hat. If only I had a few more hours’ sleep and didn’t nearly get killed, maimed and driven out of my own fucking house last night. Christ the show. O my god. Just opened. Meanwhile a lifetime of horror has happened since. Got to keep the show going. Fuck all the dumbbell critics. Paper the house every night to capacity. Supply transport and give free tickets to mental institutions all over Balham, Tooting and Streatham if necessary. This lady looks like the sort who’d still say yes to a thrill in her life.

“Excuse me madam. But do you like attending the theatre.”

“I beg your pardon.”

“Would you like to see a wonderful show I recommend. Kiss it. Don’t hold it. It’s too hot. Free with my compliments.”

“How dare you.”

“Holy christ madam, don’t get excited, it’s really the name of the show, ask the concierge in the lobby. I’m sorry please. Here’s the ground floor.”

The morning sunny and cool. Schultz jumping into a taxi with a smiling salute from the doorman. Down Park Lane and left along Piccadilly. O my god. Thank god for the discretion they got at that hotel. I go in and out looking like I come from a holocaust. And they keep showering me with courteous attention. I’m going to need it. Standing up in Court. With drunks and thieves. Haven’t even returned the morning suit that got ripped to pieces off my back.

Schultz pacing the floor in the smoky noisy Court corridor. Amid the solicitors, clients and culprits. As what fucking choice do I have. But to listen to the advice of these detectives.

“Sir you can get it all over with now. By pleading guilty. And avoid a big Court case later.”

Schultz in the dock. The distinguished judge, the son of a famous actor staring down over his spectacles. Frowning slightly as the evidence was read. Clearing his throat in some disbelief. Then with a deep breath looking leniently upon Schultz. As Mrs. Prune stood giving her heated evidence.

“But were you there madam.”

“He struck my daughter. I came here to Court by ambulance from under psychiatric care.”

“But were you present madam when your daughter was struck.”

“I was there when that bastard pulled my wig off.”

The judge pushing up his spectacles looking at the charge sheet. Lifting his chin to look out across the courtroom as the behemoth got up as if she were heading to Ascot.