J. Donleavy - Schultz

“Holy shit.”

Schultz jumping backwards. A rustle of bedclothes. A gasping intake of breath. A female voice.

“Who’s that.”

“Jesus christ who the fuck is this.”

“Who are you.”

“I live here. Who are you.”

“Get out of here.”

Like fucking hell I will.”

“I’ll scream.”

“Holy shit, is it you Agnes.”

“Who are you.”

“It’s me Sigmund.”

“Get out of here Mr. Schultz. What are you doing here.”

“I was trying to go to bed.”

“Not with me you’re not.”

“No. I know. I’m sorry. I just got home. I didn’t know anybody was here.”

“Well now you know. And I hope you’ll go. Right away.”

“Jesus hold it will you. My clothes are everywhere.”

“Go this second. Someone could hear you. And I hope you could explain then what you were doing.”

“I’m going to fucking bed in my own house that’s what I’m doing. How the hell was I to know you’re here sleeping.”

“Well I am. Pricilla said I could.”

“O.K. honey, O.K. don’t panic. Give me a second will you to figure this out. Where I’m going to go and sleep. I only just got out of jail. I’m cold, tired and hungry.”

“And if you don’t mind my saying, you also appear to be without any clothes.”

“O hey gee I’m sorry. Boy what eyesight you got to be able to see in the dark. Momma meeo, a fond du mots by goom de bots.”

“What are you saying.”

“Nothing, it’s just an expression I used as a kid when every god damn thing was going wrong. Holy fuck, pardon my French but I’m dropping everything I can’t find.”

“How can you drop it if you can’t find it.”

“Honey you’d be surprised what I can do.”

“Yes, punching Pricilla.”

“Hey why the fuck does everybody see everything from her side.”

“Because she’s a lovely person.”

“Wow. You women stick together.”

“Of course we do if a man behaves like a beast.”

“Jesus honey, one sock and shoe is missing I got to find to get out of here. Which believe me I want to do in the quickest possible hurry.”

“I thought the show was lovely.”

“You did.”

“Yes. I did. Magillacurdy I thought was magnificent. Such incredible animal magnetism. A lady sitting next to me was jumping out of her seat in delirium over him.”

“You don’t know how much you’re doing my crushed soul a lot of good with those words honey.”

“Well I honestly did love the whole production.”

“That’s the most pleasantly hopeful thing I’ve heard, no kidding, all night. Even though I haven’t had hardly a second to talk to anybody. This is nearly the first moment I’m suddenly come to rest after spinning like a top for weeks.”

“I imagine it must be such an awful lot of work to put a whole production together like that. Finding and choosing all the people. I really admire you for it.”

“Honey if by any chance that great eyesight of yours can see my face in this obscurity you’ll see I’m smiling a beatific smile.”

“Are you.”

“Yes I am.”

“You’re rather a funny person, aren’t you. So much more introspective and serious than when one just meets you superficially.”

“Agnes honey, you’re a girl of impressive sensibilities.”

“I’m just an ordinary girl. All I’ve done is just ride horses all my life.”

“Honey I’m a little cold.”

“O.”

“And I’m a little tired.”

“O.”

“And I’ve got to be in Court in six hours. Jesus would it be asking too much just to chat and get warmed up in bed for a while.”

“Pricilla’s my best and oldest friend.”

“I know that honey, I know that.”

“We grew up together. Her father’s ranch was beside my father’s ranch before they lost all their money and moved to New York.”

“I know that honey, I know that.”

“And she’s right downstairs and her mother’s right downstairs.”

“I know honey. But I’m right here freezing.”

“Someone could suddenly come.”

“Key’s in the door. I’ll lock it. Please honey. No shit. I really need to be saved at this moment. If you really are a friend of Pricilla’s here’s a time you could really help her by helping her husband, who needs it. What about it. Come on. You’re a girl of impeccable theatrical taste.”

“Wow. You can lay it on thick can’t you. I just know I shouldn’t be doing this.”

“Christ Eskimos do this all the time and nobody gets upset.”

“I don’t have any clothes on.”

“That’s O.K. honey, I won’t in a second have any on either.”

“Please, you mustn’t. Please don’t. She’s my only real close friend.”

“Honey, easy. Don’t worry. Just lift up the blanket like this. Look. See how easy and harmless it is.”

“O god.”

“See, I just slip in. Jesus, you have no idea what this is doing for me at this moment.”

“For me at this moment, it’s giving me goose pimples. I’m terrified. Don’t you understand. Pricilla and I were at convent school together.”

“Honey. Just close your mind to the past for awhile. See, lots of room. Not even touching. I just lie here. Hurting nobody.”

“We were confirmed together. Went to our first dances together. Rode together. Took holidays together. Shared our secrets.”

“Well here’s a secret you won’t have to share. It’ll make a change.”

“Don’t you know how close as friends two girls can be.”

“Sure. And as the husband of one of you, I could cement you two even closer. Jesus you looked good tonight.”

“Did you see me.”

“Sure I drank you in. In long ecstatic swallows. Stunning dress.”

“Did you really see me.”

“Sure. Your dress was a gorgeous satiny green. Who’s the guy with you.”

“O him. Just a stockbroker who’s been dating me.”

“Say no more honey. I heard how you’ve been chased ragged all over town by all those English creeps.”

“Some of them are extremely nice.”

“What’s that.”

“What honey.”

“There.”

“Just my knee. Is it bothering you.”

“No. Not yet anyway.”

“You know Agnes. I’ve never so suddenly ever felt better in my life. Usually as I’m lying here like this the ceiling or something has already fallen on me.”

“You’re a funny person aren’t you. I never thought Pricilla would ever in a million years marry anyone like you.”

“Hey what’s wrong with me.”

“Can I be truthful.”

“Sure honey. What’s wrong with me.”

“Well everything if I’m being honest. I nearly died when I saw you. Her description of you in her letters. As if you were this golden haired knight mounted on this white charger slaying dragons. Then when I met you I nearly burst out laughing. Pricilla has had the pick of men all her life, anybody she wanted. You’ll never believe this but her mother was once one of the most beautiful women in Argentina. And Pricilla just like her, has had only to flick her eyelashes and men were grovelling at her feet. Handsome polo players, Italian princes, tycoons. That’s why I flew all the way here. I thought, my god, Pricilla must have found the most fantastic man of all time. I even, I must confess on the way, hoped you’d break up or something, so I’d have a chance. Then when, there you were. I could see, that love, is absolutely blind. Sorry if I make you seem like such a disappointment. I don’t mean it that way at all. I mean you must have much deeper qualities that aren’t apparent. It’s not that you’re a phoney. O dear. I’m saying too much. Now you’re silent. I’ve hurt your feelings.”

“No honey you numbed them a little. It’ll be a help when I’m standing in front of a judge in a few hours. But between now and then I hope the fucking christ I hear something from somebody that can make me feel I justify my god damn existence.”