Bruce Wagner - Dead Stars

He said yes, knowing that she wouldn’t.

In this moment, she had an awakening: time to assert . Get that Mom mojo workin. She phoned Rikki’s fosterparents, they hadn’t recently connected, yet another thing that made her feel remiss, she’d been standoffish because she knew her daughter loved them not her, maybe not loved but respected, always Jacquie’s pride rampaging like Mothra, she phoned and Jim answered & while they were talking she wave/whispered to Albie it was OK to go make tea she really wanted tea so he left the room. Jim sounded cheerful, she always had the sense he was careful in their dealings, as if thinking of/knowing her to be a bit of a loose cannon, Jim said that Reeyonna o my god he actually calls her that why didn’t I call her that was staying with Jerzy he called him that lord what was wrong with her she was the only one Mothra the Destroyer and his girlfriend?roommate. That apparently, according to Rikki who was the source of all their information, they all moved from where they used to live, which wasn’t per Rikki so wonderful, to a much nicer place called Mt Olympus in the Hollywood Hills. Jacquie right there lost her cannon & said too-assertively Enough! This is enough already, as if it all were Jim’s fault — grew suddenly imperious, that talk-to-servants voice she hated in herself all the more pathetic for never having had servants, still she rationalized it was all right to use that tone, tone in the major key of Mother’s Prerogative, she was trying to turn the engine over, engine of her Mothra-sized mojo, I think we should just go & get her. (Noting even as the words came out that she said “we” not I as in I am just going to go get her. ) Jim said he understood her frustration, they’d had a lot of that themselves (he & Dawn) (of course they had) but the engineer said he thought it would be a mistake, he told her they’d already put an invitation on the table, already invited ReeRee he actually called her that! the diminutive of a name that she, Jacquie, never gave her what is the matter with me what is wrong to come live at the house. For a second she got pissed, thinking Jim & her daughter must be in open communication, chatting it up on the phone as he waged his little campaign, a campaign she hadn’t even been privy to, so she asked if he was/had been directly in touch with Reeyonna , & Jim said only once when her daughter called him at the house. He went on in that analytic way to suggest that the best strategy was to wait them out. Let’s give it a few more days, Jacquie. I really do think she’ll get tired of struggling out there, she’ll get tired of running around, & I think that as time goes on, she will find our offer more conducive. We’re praying on it, anyway. That’s what we’re praying on. She reluctantly agreed but not for more than a week (mojo only a quarter workin but hey). The kettle whistled, a cup of tea sounded divine, served by her dear friend/servant right in bed, she could taste the honey, this new Australian honey she was all hung up on.

The conversation wound down. She rote-asked after Dawn. Jim said his wife was just back from the hospital and something in Jacquie remembered, barely, but enough to cause her to stifle the impulse to ask why, why was Dawn there, she had that scintilla-recollection, an inpatient stay would be of the nervous/mental variety, briefly awkward, then Jacquie’s rote awkward wishing of Dawn well, Jacquie’s rote kneejerk invite for the two of them to come for lunch or tea or supper or drinks or something , Jacquie’s end-of-call attempt at humor re the whole fucked up situation being possibly/absolutely brightened by a grandchild at the end of the rainbow, & right when she hung up again came the remorse, guilt over her narcissistic ways, it was always about her, and there was Jim, so stoic & kind, the weight of manifold worlds upon him.

. .

She surfed the web without leaving bed for two more days.

The Internet said Kirstie Alley got fat after her mc , mc being Internet for miscarriage. The Internet said Tori Amos wrote an album after her mc. The Internet said Pamela Anderson mc’d with Tommy Lee & with Kid Rock. The Internet said the Enquirer said Brad & Jen mc’d. The Internet said Valerie Bertinelli mc’d. The Internet said Amy Brenneman mc’d when she was 39. The Internet said Christie Brinkley had 3. The Internet said Nell Carter had 4. The Internet said Amanda Holden had 2 fetal deaths , the most recent in the 7th month. The Internet said Joan Chen had 6. The Internet said Jane Seymour had 2 before having twins/preeclampsia. The Internet said Linda Hamilton mc’d. The Internet said Nancy Kerrigan had 6 in 8 yrs but refused to talk about it. The Internet said Nicole Kidman had one in 2001. The Internet said Lucy Lawless mc’d right after filming the last episode of Xena . The Internet said Demi Moore mc’d in ’97. The Internet said Jane Pratt mc’d twins. The Internet said Brooke had at least 5 & that her cervix was scarred. The Internet said Sharon Stone had a string of mcs. The Internet said Emma Thompson needed IVF because of PCOS (polycystic ovar. Syndrome) and mc’d in 1997. The Internet said Vanna White mc’d in 1992. The internet said that Oprah mc’d when she was 14. The Internet said Sporty Spice had 5/PCOS.

That’s what the internet said.

. .

Ginger sent her a beautiful email, thanking her. She also wanted to know when she could see the proof sheets. Jacquie told her she was sick & would it be all right if they met next week.

Ginger said of course and attached an article from The New York Times written by a mohel . A Jewish couple had scheduled their baby to be circumcised but it died 3 days after being born. They always do the bris on the 8th day of life. The parents called the mohel and told him what happened but said they wanted him to do the circumcision anyway. The essay was about what a wreck he was but the parents were calm and from them he drew strength. isn’t that interesting how he said they were so calm? she wrote. thats the way it was with Daniel & me when you were taking our picture. maybe you felt that too

Jacquie googled bris , then wondered if the mohel had skipped the prayer that welcomed the baby into the world.

Sicker Than the Remix

“Thank

you for meeting me. I appreciate that.”

They were having lunch at El Pollo Loco in the crappy strip mall at the corner of Sunset & Crescent Heights. A depressing convenience zone at the bottom of the Mt called Olympus.

Her son was dead pale. Jerzy never quite met her gaze, which had the effect of rendering a boyish grin insidious. From the waist up, the body was calm; the legs thundered beneath the table, as if working the pedals that animated him.

“Have you seen her?”

“Just about every day. We live in the same house.”

“Can you tell me what’s going on?”

She just couldn’t bring herself to say Jerzy .

“What’s going on?” he said, genuinely puzzled.

“With Jerilynn. Reeyonna.”

“Nuthin. I mean she’s good, she’s really good. I think she’s been looking for work.”

“Looking for work how ,” said Jacquie, with a bite. “She’s five months pregnant .”

“You can be pregnant & work. Porn stars do it all the time.”

Deep breath. He is my son. He is damaged. He smells like chemicals. He despises me, & he is playing, a cat with a mouse. God, give me the strength to be grateful he agreed to see me. Help me not to blow it, God, at least not this far into the lunch.