Bruce Wagner - Dead Stars

Harry was a hard one to read; he could go puritan on you when least expected. Like when Jerzy was on his way out the door & one of HM’s snatcherazzi showed up with pics of Ashley Tisdale & Audrina, each purporting to show them during or right after a “facial”. . the latest foto fad among the spunkerazzi was milky cum on the face of a liteweight celeb. Which made Harry round the Middleton furious . First of all he said it’s all bullshit, the pics aint real, second of all they’re disgusting& degrading. He said, Honeyshot! ain’t about degradation, it’s about defloration. About girls coming of age no pun intended. We come by our honeyshot! s HONESTLY no pun intended. He was old school, a mons Corleone who refused to traffic in dope & facials.

When Jerzy got home he sent the Fanning link to some of his buds. He almost sent it to MoMA but thought twice. Then he had a cool idea. When Jerzy had his Gagosian show, the pics would all have little cards next to them like paintings do in museums except all that would be on them was whatever link was appropriate.

For example , Suite Dakota would have

http://harrymiddletonhoneyshot.com/entertainment/celebs/dakota-fanning-and-her-stella-mccartney-micromini-make-for-nipple-slips-&-a-very-special-private-opening-just-between-legs-and-friends-0071825922

Very cool.

. .

He got stoked by the card/link idea and it fired him up to at least take a stab at beginning the inhumanly mammoth job of sifting, snorting & organizing the thousands of captures in his imagebank. To make such an impossible task manageable, he psyched himself that it was all for the portfolio— Larry Gaga would need to see a hardcore sample of Jerzy’s work to whet his appetite—& that during this process he would most certainly alight on the core group of digital Weegees that would eventually embody the Trojan Magnum ®opus of the actual show. He didn’t yet have a fallback plan given the unthinkable possibility that his hip didn’t hop no more — say, his karma didn’t gagosianiacally come together — because aside from the insane genius panache coup of hanging his massive (blown up) celebmashups on the high priest/high white tower walls of Our Lady Of Gaga Cathedral there just weren’t any alternate spaces bitchin enough to rival/approximate/be viable. There were always spaces way down on Melrose or East Holly, other bogus Brewery artwalk schmuck arenas downtown, but those were for sk8tr art, not the real shit.

He was almost about to start that scary-daunting portfolio culling, but first things first.

He was in his room, bootie bumpin, & into the KJ a bit. (What’s a boy to do?) He was on the floor, usual position, legs lotus-crossed, sitting before a low table, Japanese-style. The GUESS WHO’S OLDER? page Tom-Tom tore from OK! was splayed before him. Susan Boyle or Madonna? Rachel Bilson or Mischa B? Kate Hudson or Katie Holmes? AnnaLynne McCord or Ashley O? Kim Kardash or Gisele Bundch? Kristen Stewart or T Swift? He had to put tape over the bottom of the page because the idiots didn’t print the answers upsidedown they printed them rightside up how fuckin lame. Somebody’s head better roll somebody’s headshot heh heh . What was going on was, he’d smoke a little, do his boo-tay bidness, whatever, but when he turned his attention back to GUESS WHO’S OLDER he would at first forget the premise, instead thinking the side-by-side pix were one of those CAN YOU SPOT THE DIFFERENCE? deals & he thought, whoa, there’s millions of differences between that face (Kristen S) and that one (Taylor S), where/how do I begin? Whoa——their faces are so trillion-different-ways-different but then he started to wonder, maybe no one’s face was. Different.

Shit.

More clipped pages: Salma Hayek, Kim K & Jennifer Hudson were all wearing the same $4000 Alex McQueen ensemble, they asked 100 people at Rockefeller Center who wore it best. The thing had gold epaulets, maybe General I–Veen will be wearing that shit on Day One of Battlefield Earth . Jerzy thought Salma wore it best but Salma only got 15 %. Jennifer got 34 % & Kim got 51 %. Everybody loved Kim, even the women h8trs, because she was unapologetically zaftig . All women knew that a big fat ass was about the only thing guaranteed to be waiting at the end of the rainbow. He smoked, did a little bidness, & when he went back to WHO WORE IT BEST the same thing happened as before, he thought he was doing a spot the difference puzzle, even though he’d never seen a triptych, it was always a diptych, like, how the fuck were you supposed to spot the difference between three different fucking people , there would be an infinitude. Spot the Infinitesimal Infinitude. There were a couple of diptychs though, and that snapped him back to the who wore it best deal, Gretchen Rossi & Aubrey O’Day, Gretchen wore it better 81 %, Nancy O’Dell & Victoria Justice, VJ rocked it at 61 %. Readers weighed in on who sizzles&who fizzles. They better just keep the who wore it best to diptychs not triptychs the shit is getting out of hand. But then he got spooked

&then he got

PISSED freaked addled-anxious, bothered whatever & skipped to another Tom-Tom-torn page called MY MINI-MAN. Tina Fey is 5–4: her hubby’s 5 feet. Nicole K’s 5-10: K Urban’s 5–8, and Tom the ex is 5–7. L’Wren Scott is 6–3, Mick’s five-10. It was dumbass though the thing about Tina’s hubby being such a dwarf was kinda interesting. Zorba the Geek. Tina Fey. Wow. Please god may I pretty please rape that? He skimmed the ifotos. . . . always enjoyed seeing his own pics. . . this batch taken outside of Harry’s employ of course. . fuckin schlep pix of Sandra Bullock & that black baby, hated those schlep pics, black prop baby wedged in there, jaw set in steely essence of motherhood , she aint a fuckin mother & that aint her fuckin kid why doesn’t the world talk about that. Like where she bought it and the fact we all have to play along that’s it’s really hers . Fucking taboo bullshit. We’re all supposed to ooh & ahh well fuck them & their stolen black babies, Bullock & Jolie & fuckin Madonna do what the Puppetmathers behooves them to do. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . WHAT’S IN AUDRINA’S bag? Like anyone gives a shit. She’s deader than fucking Zsazsa+stevejobs put together. What the fuck tho, lookin for clues. What’s In Audrina’s Bag? Aside from maybe the implants she took out. Lookin for clues cause he had a dream Audrina was going to hook up with a mandingo just like Khloé & Kim K you know, like if she was gunna pass the (Black) buck—— nuthin but whoremasters under the employ of M 2. What is in Audrina’s frickin bag——hmmmmmm let’s see now, there’s a YSL makeup kit. . . . Vikto&Rolf Flowerbomb perfume. . . Pup-Peroni sticks for the teacup yorkie. . . Batiste dry shampoo for volume Heather Morris now what’s in Hemo’s bag? She’ll wind up with a nigger, they are no match for blond hardbodied white dancers, the latter’s supreme powers of seduction being among the foremost armament & weaponry the Puppetmathers uses to ensnare) why can’t the Blacks see it’s like Body Snatchers they close their eyes & when they open them it’s too late they’re on the Plantation. But what IS in Heather’s bag? hmmmmm — Goody ouchless hair ties, Colorscience corrector palette, MAC mineralize skinfinish, bronzer, MAC impeccable brow pencil in blonde, Mason Pearson rake comb/smoke & mirrors NYC lash, Flirt! all that Lash mascara, Burt’s Bees tinted lip balm, Flirt! Luv-a-licious perfume spray Flirt! all that Flirt! shit——— one more shpritz up the ass, Jerzy goes for one more booty bump, bumpin bumpin bumpin yes please sir may I have another