Bruce Wagner - Dead Stars

A few more lobs & volleys, then:

— Reeyonna, will you do me a favor?

— Totally.

— I’ve got a money order for $500 with your name on it.

— No no! Jim, that’s OK—

— It’s from Dawn & she wanted me to give it to Rikki to give to you. So that’s what I’m going to do.

— No really Jim you’ve given too much al———

— Now here’s the favor. You said you’d do me a favor.

— OK, yes. I will. What is it.

— The favor is, you have to accept Dawn’s money order & say thank you.

— That’s the favor? she said with a half-smile.

— Yup.

— OK. That’s so sweet .

— That’s terrific. Dawn will be very glad. Now you take care.

— I love you. And please say hi to Dawn. And thank her for the money order.

— You bet I will.

— I’m going to write her a little note. I’ll give it to Rikki.

— She’d love to hear from you. It’s not necessary , but I know that she would.

— I love you, Jim.

— You take care now Reeyonna. ( Hangs up )

. .

Tom-Tom started hounding them (again) about the rent. She wanted like two-thousand-dollars . Fucking outrageous.

They had a week to pay. To make things worse, Tom-Tom told Reeyonna she had to switch rooms with Bolt so he could have the bigger, nicer room (tho of course Tom-Tom didn’t put it that way). Which pissed ReeRee off because it was just a bullshit powerplay, the dude-ho always slept w/Tom-Tom anyway. When Ree protested now no one else was paying rent, Tom-Tom said that her brother was, & that being her s, Daydream Believers were exempt. Reeyonna said Hey put me in the cast, you can just say I was a Teen Mom reject, Tom-Tom thought about it for about a second before saying no. ReeRee couldn’t understand why not, she thought it was a totally rad idea, maybe the best she’d ever had.

Tom-Tom said she was getting lots of responses from potential bad news bears & soon the temple on the Mount would be filled with righteous loosers . To date, she had just-a- gigolo Bolt (who Dr Phil joked had a screw loose); Intervention Dr Phil; a baker’s apprentice from Cake Boss (coming next week from Portland); a kid from Season One of Bait Car who just got out of jail on grand theft auto, said he got time off for bad behavior hawhawhaw and would be Greyhounding from FL as soon as he could clear it with his probation officer; & a retired ticketing officer from Parking Wars. T 2was still thinking about letting the Alaskan dyke with a semi-moustache who crashed her rig in Ice Road Truckers join their crew, she had to admit from their phone conversations that the chick was a hoot. She said the truckers called fuel “motion lotion.” Tom-Tom said, Hey, we call it crank. But gimme some.

Tom-Tom was having a big romance with this creepy gel’d hair guy she met at that lame convention. His claim to fame was getting cut from the final round of auditions of a reality show about mostly menopausal women who hired hardish-bodied, orange-tanned manwhores for sex. Barf. (Reeyonna watched one of the episodes with Rikki, there was a married couple who got off having the husband watch his wife get fucked, only the husband didn’t seem too happy about it, R&R couldn’t even believe seemingly somewhat normalish people were agreeing to put their twisted shit on camera. Showtime probably had to pay them, Rikki thought maybe like $20,000.) Of course being the looser that he is, loose Bolt wasn’t actually in any of the episodes, being featured instead on Gigolos Behind the Scenes Online (onscreen time: 1 minute 48 seconds) throwing a hissy fit when they said pack your sixpack & your ding dong, amigo, cause you’re leaving Las Vegas . How fucking lame was that?

Apparently Bolt was Tom-Tom’s new exec prod. Supposedly he had all these connects , people who owed him favors and such. Rikki said Tom-Tom told him Bolt arranged for a crew to come next week & shoot footage of house hijinks. Tom-Tom wanted them to film for 3 days — the more footage she got, the better the pilot would be — she was putting together what they called a presentation reel but said she’d be happier if she could complete a 22-minute pilot. Do you think the camera crew’s gunna do it for FREE, Reeyonna? You know what nobody seems to be fucking cognizant of? Nobody is cognizant of the fact that NO ONE BUT ME is even supposed to fucking be STAYING here, which is what I promised Cherokee. I don’t BREAK PROMISES , I keep my WORD , I WILL make it up to her, that’s between ME AND CHEROKEE, that’s PERSONAL BUSINESS. But I need you to be COGNIZANT that if you’re NOT PAYING RENT then TECHNICALLY you are just a SQUATTER here & you can just go SQUAT & leak yr PEE someplace ELSE . Fuckin cloggin up the frickin TOILET with yr freakin NAPKINS. DON’T TELL ME YOU’RE NOT, YOU ARE! YOU ARE! I DON’T CARE WHAT YOU SAY, I KNOW THAT YOU ARE! YOU’RE FUCKIN CLOGGING THE TOILET & YOU’RE GOING TO PAY FOR THAT PLUMBER VISIT TOO, $349!. . you should just MOVE BACK TO RIKKI’S, he told me his parents have been asking you to do that, well that’s EXACTLY what you’re gunna have to frickin do if you don’t come up with no fuckin SKRILL . And don’t start CRYIN and shit, OK? Cause I don’t have any SYMPATHY. As Bolt likes to say, All god’s children don’t get free lunch no more, due to BUDGET CUTS . Hahahahaha.

When Ree snidely asked how much rent Bolt was paying, Tom-Tom exploded. He isn’t paying ANY , bitch, because if it weren’t for HIM there would be NO FUCKING PILOT OR CAMERA CREW & if you give me anymore SHIT I’ll throw you & that frickin TUMOR you’re growing in your ASS on the frickin STREET . Understand? (ReeRee had to nod and keep her head down, had to sit & take it because she didn’t have a plan.) Motherfuckin nigger wannabe wants to tell me my BUSINESS . 16 & pregnant & she’s all up in my BUSINESS , ain’t THAT a bitch. You better keep a LEASH on her Rikki! You better keep a leash on that fat bitch cause I SWEAR I am gunna go OFF. (back to Ree:) & you DO NOT want to see that, no you DON’T. Because you couldn’t HANDLE it. Little Miss Wiggermuffett wants to sit there on her fat leaky TUFFETT on MY bed in MY house & tell ME my BUSINESS. ‘Yeah ahm the best to ever DO IT bitch, & you the best at never doin SHIT. ’ Eatin my FOOD , doin my DOPE —don’t tell me you AINT motherfucker I KNOW you been doin my dope, don’t you think I KNOW that? Ain nobody else like to eat ROXIES like you do too, not even you’re brother. That’s YOU. You like eatin Roxies almost as much as you like eatin fucking ENTEMANN’S FUDGE CAKE y’fat BITCH, fuckin POSER, ‘Reeyonna,’ you WISH you LOOKED like Rihanna, too bad you gotta hairline like DRAKE. Fuckin Eddie MUNSTER. Anybody ever tell you you got a hairline like Drake? So FUCK y’all, I don’t wanna HEAR about it. I don’t wanna hear SHIT from you, Mama Cass. Just get me my MONEY & shut the fuck UP. Do you hear me? Hey! I’m talking to you—”