Bruce Wagner - I Met Someone

“Wants the love.”

“—fuckin’ masochism ! Keeps going back to that poisoned well.” She finished her drink and got contemplative. “God works in strange ways.”

“God doesn’t fuckin’ work at all , sista, nuh- uh . The man is currently unem ployed . Basically just sits around the house planning gore and may-hem . You know: tips and helpful hints for ISIS.”

Tessa got a text. “ Fuck. Mister Billion’s running late.”

“Mr. Hairy Man?”

“He’s probably blowing his Bentley.”

“Or waxing his back.”

“He takes better care of that car than I do my vajine-jine… it’s ten grand for a tune-up. Give me ten grand and I’ll tune you up, bitch —hey, know what you should do to your ex?”

“Contract killing?”

“Post ads on the Internet with his address . You know, ‘Cuckold seeking big black cock for wifey — drop by all hours.’ ”

“Don’t think I haven’t thought of it. But I just read on HuffPost about a gal who just went to jail for that. Crazy story. She wanted to buy a place in Carmel Valley and this couple swooped in and bought it instead. She was so pissed that she went online pretending to be the new owner. Said people should just drop by for sex ‘while my husband’s at work.’ Said if there’s no answer, just push your way in!”

“Now that’s the spirit. That’s what ahm talkin’ ’bout.”

Tessa made herself another martini, which Larissa discouraged, because her friend always told her, “I’m a Cadbury — that’s cheap drunk to you , missy.” She was going to get shitfaced tonight and that was that. “I just want to puke in his vehicle. Or do I mean butthole. Or is there a difference.” She swung the topic back to Larissa’s love life. “Best way to get fucking revenge on that cradle-snatcher is to fuck one of his friends . If he has any.”

“No way, Renée. They all have tiny dicks.”

“Probably all pedophiles … you should tie him up and make him watch you get fucked by niggers.”

“Tessa!”

“But seriously, Riss, you gosta get out there. Fucking well is the best revenge — who said that? Maybe it was Mr. Wonderful from Shark Tank . I frickin’ love Mr. Wonderful!”

She was getting loud. Larissa shushed her, nodding toward Tristen’s room.

“Anyway,” she said, “I have been out there. Sort of.”

Tessa immediately sobered up. “I knew it! Tell all!”

Larissa couldn’t believe she was about to, but went with it.

“You cannot tell anyone , Tess.”

“Oh my God, you know I won’t!”

“But I’m really serious . Because it’s — potentially— I don’t know what, but you have to totally promise .”

“Larissa, I swear . On my kids .”

She took a dramatic beat then said, “I went to a party.”

“And…”

“I totally wasn’t expecting anything to happen—”

“ Expecting…? Larissa! This is not freakin’ charades! Spill it!”

“The party was at Dusty’s house—”

“ Oh. My. God. I knew it.”

“And I wound up sleeping with her and her wife.”

“Oh my God,” said Tessa, hand clapped to mouth. “Oh my God, oh my God, oh my God ! I knew something was going on!” (Which of course she didn’t.) Giggles became an avalanche, burying them both. “Was that — is that something you do ?”

“It was totally my first time.”

“You are amazing . I love you so much I want to sleep with you, right now ! I’m totally jealous!”

Larissa shushed her again, raising an eyebrow as she gave the wall of her son’s room the fisheye. She knew Tessa was kidding but said, “No way . Been there, done that. Not my thing.”

“Well, it might be mine ! So what happened ? I mean, are you, like, seeing each other? Are you all, like, seeing each other ?”

“No! She fucking fired me!” said Larissa with a forced laugh.

“What!”

“The day after, she totally ghosted me.”

“Dusty? Or wifey?”

“ Dusty. When we wrapped, she made it very clear.”

“Oh my God.”

“Can you please stop saying ‘Oh my God’?”

“You mean, you guys fooled around the night before she wrapped ?”

“Yep.”

“I totally think I remember that! I mean, that there was something — I think I totally actually think I saw that happen —she walked right past you, right? At the cemetery?”

“It was totally kinda creepy. It was, like, mean .”

“Rissa, fuck her. Again , if you can hahaha! No, but seriously. Okay. Do you know what you have to do? Do you know what you totally have to do ? You have to, like, blog about it. Or go on Twitter or Reddit , whatever the fuck that is. Payback’s a motherfucker.”

“Tessa, I can’t.”

“If for no other reason than to fuck with Derek .”

“That’s not really me.”

“But why not ? It could be you, why can’t you? You have to!”

She adamantly shook her head. “I’d never work in this town again.”

“Who are you, Jennifer Aniston? It’s not like you’re working now , my friend. And this could lead to work — I mean, if you put it out there in the social media . Fucking Instagram and Meerkat it! Periscope it or whatever ; my daughter’ll totally help you! Larissa, I am so serious . Or, like, all you need to do is write one of those, like, little essays —like an op-ed for Huff/Post50 ! Or Jezebel or wherever .”

“You read Huff/Post50 ?”

“ Fuck yeah. And the AARP magazine too, all that shit.”

“You’re insane.”

“Just do it!”

“And what about Rafaela?”

“What about her?”

“There’s, like, a shame factor. You know, that her mom…”

“Oh please . Kids are totally fucking blasé about that shit. I have two words: Kendall and Kylie. I rest my case.”

“Well, if I do write something, I’d have to wait. Her mom just died.”

“Probably in a threesome with that cunt and Allegra.”

“Tessa, that’s terrible!”

“You fucking have to, Riss. It’s not like it’s going to hurt her career . No one’s going to be shocked —”

“If no one’s going to be shocked, then why should I do it?”

“For you . She wants everyone to believe she’s a dyke saint , that she’s so fucking above it all , but in the end she’s just a user and a typical Hollywood bullshit power-tripper. Do it for you ! And oh my God , don’t you know how fucking hot it would be? You’d get so much attention . It’s total reality-show shit! I’ll tell Mister Billion to talk it up to Lisa Vanderpump!”

“Don’t you dare!”

“Fuck Derek and fuck Dusty Wilding —”

“Already did.”

“What was it like!” —in a flash, she went from rage to naked need to know , and they both thought that was the most hilarious thing. “I’m totally serious . I totally want details! I want to know how it fucking smelled and who came when and how many hundreds of times!” Larissa couldn’t stop laughing. Tessa, sobered by her devilish curiosity, clasped her friend’s hands and stared into her eyes like a woman about to ask a psychic the burning question of her life.