Roddy Doyle: The Commitments

— These people have votes, said Jimmy. — This is our real audience.

Outspan stood on the platform searching the crowd for his mother. He didn’t think she’d have the neck to come to this one but he wanted to make sure.

Jimmy picked his way over to Mickah.

— Listen, he said. — They have their own bouncer here so — just enjoy the show, righ’.

— I was talkin’ to him, Mickah told him. — He’s goin’ to give me a shout if there’s anny messin’.

— That’ll be nice, said Jimmy.

He got behind his desk. A mike screeched.

It was half-nine. The head barman gave Jimmy the nod. Jimmy got up and took Deco’s mike.

— Ladies an’ gentlemen, The Regency Rooms presents, all the way from Dublin, (that didn’t get the laughs he’d been expecting). The Hardest Workin’ Band in the World, The Saviours of Soul — Yes, Yes, Yes, Yes — The Commitments.

They were sharper this time. Billy knew what he was doing. Outspan didn’t have his ma gawking up at him. Deco was hemmed in by tables on three sides and by Dean and Joey The Lips behind him. He couldn’t budge. There’d be no accidents tonight.

Natalie fell off the platform. But it wasn’t an accident. Imelda pushed her. They were only messing.

The songs were going down well. They were sticking to the classics, the ones everyone knew. The Dublined lyrics were welcomed with laughter and, towards closing time, cheers and clapping. The Commitmentettes were whistled at, but politely.

One man roared: —Get them off yeh!

Mickah advised him to stay quiet.

Deco’s between-songs chat was better. Jimmy and Joey The Lips had been coaching him.

He was still a prick though, Jimmy had to admit to Mickah.

Night Train was a very big hit. There wasn’t room for an audience train but the ones standing rocked up and down and the ones sitting stood.

It was over. The Commitments couldn’t leave the stage, unless they all piled into the jacks, so they stayed at the platform while the audience clapped and cheered, and waited for Jimmy to take over.

— More!

— Yes, Yes, Yes, ladies an’ gentlemen — comrades. You’ve heard the people’s music tonight. — The Commitments, ladies an’ gentlemen. — The Saviours o’ Soul. — Do yis want to hear more?

They wanted more.

Jimmy handed Deco the mike.

— Introduce the lads.

— Okay, said Deco into the mike. — I’d better introduce the rest. — On drums, Billy Mooney. — On guitar — If yeh could hear it, ha ha — Outspan sorry, L. Terence Foster. Derek, there on bass. — James Soul Surgeon Clifford is the specky guy on the joanna.

Each Commitment was being clapped but The Commitments weren’t hearing it. All Commitment eyes were burning Deco. This wasn’t what they’d rehearsed, at all.

— Dean Fay on the sax there, righ’, an’ Joey The Lips Fagan on the trumpet. Joey on the horn, wha’. —An’ they’re Tanya, Sonya an’ Sofia, The Commitmentettes. I’m Deco Blanketman Cuffe and we are The Commitments. This one’s called When a Man Loves a Woman.

Deco climbed up on a vacant stool.

— THU — CUDADUNG CUDADUNG

CUDADUNG —

Billy blammed out the Reach Out — I’ll Be There beat, then stopped. He got out from behind the drums and went across to the jacks.

James played, then Outspan, then Deco started to sing.

— AT THE DARK EH — END —

OF THE STREET —

THAT’S —

WHER-RE WE BOTH SHALL MEET

HIDIN’ IN SHA —

DOWS WHERE WE DON’T BELOH-O-ONG —

AN’ LIVIN’ IN DARKNESS —

TO HI — HI — HIDE OUR WRONG —

Deco and Natalie (She wouldn’t look at him): YOU AN’ ME —

AT THE DARK EN — H — HEND OF THE STREET

YOU AN’ ME —

It was beautiful. Jimmy blinked. The Commitments were forgiving Deco. Billy was still in the jacks though. The head barman sent a fourth pint over to Jimmy, and even one for Mickah.

— THEY’RE GONNA

FIND —

US —

Outspan’s rhythm playing was just right here, light and jangly.

— OOH THEY’LL FIND US

Outspan swayed.

— THEY’RE GONNA FIND —

US —

AN’ FUCKIN’ KILL US —

No one laughed. It wasn’t funny. It was true.

— YOU —

YOU —

YOU! —

The crowd oohed.

— YOU AN’ ME —

HONEY — WE’RE AT THE DARK END O’ —

O’

OF THE STREET —

BEHIND THE CHIPPER —

— Yeah, said someone in the crowd.

— YOU SEE GIRL —

WHA’ WE’RE DOIN’S WRONG —

WRONG —

WRONG —

— No! a woman at the back shouted.

— BUT EVERYTHANG —

EVERYTHANG’LL WORK OU’ FIY — INE —

BUT TILL THEN YOU AN’ME —

AT THE DARK —

THE DARK —

THE PITCH BLACK POXY DARK END OF STREET —

YOU AN’ —

YOU AN’ —

YOU AN’ —

YOU AN’ —

MEEEEeee —

It was over. The lights went off and on and off and on. Friends came up to congratulate The Commitments.

— You’ve a great voice, a woman told Deco.

— I don’t need you to tell me tha’, said Deco.

Billy came out of the jacks. Before he could be asked if he was alright, he’d made it over to his drums and picked up a stick. He stepped over to Deco and started to hit him on the neck and shoulders with it.

He chanted as he walloped.

— I’m Billy — The Animal Mooney, d’yeh — hear me? Billy The — Animal Mooney an’ we all — have stage names an’ you know fuckin’ —well wha’ they are, yeh lousy — bollix yeh, we’re not your group, we’re — not your fuckin’ —group —

Mickah held his arms down. Deco got out from under him.

— Yeh were lookin’ for tha’, said Jimmy.

— Wha’ did I do now? Deco asked.

— Oh look it! said Bernie. — He’s after burstin’ one of his plukes.

Most of The Commitments laughed.

— Yeh didn’t introduce the group properly, said Jimmy.

I forgot.

— Fuck off!

— I was oney jokin’. Yis have no sense o’ humour, d’yis know tha’?

— An’ you have? Outspan asked.

— Yeah.

— You’ve a big head too, pal.

— You’re just jealous—

— Fuck off.

— All o’ yis.

— Enough, said Joey The Lips.

— Jealous o’ you? — Huh —

— Enough.

— Joey’s righ’, said Jimmy. — We’ll meet tomorrow nigh’ an’ have this ou’.

Deco left.

— Watch ou’ for the fans, Derek shouted after him. Mickah let go of Billy.

— He’s ruinin’ everythin’, Jimmy, said Billy. — I’m sorry abou’ tha’, yeh know. But I’m sick of him. It was great an’ then he — He’s a fuckin’ cunt.

— That’s an accurate description, said James.

— I’ll kill him the next time, said Billy. — I will.

— I will now.

— He’s not worth it, said Derek.

— He is, Billy, said Imelda. — Kill him.

— Ah, for fuck sake! said Jimmy.

— I’m oney messin’, said Imelda. — Don’t kill him, Billy.

— Yeah, said Natalie — Just give him a hidin’.

— I’ll do tha’ for yis if yeh want, said Mickah.

— Brothers, said Joey The Lips.

His palms were lifted. The Commitments were ready to listen to him.

— Now, Brother Deco might not be the most likeable of the Brothers—

— He’s a prick, Joey.

— He is, Brother Dean. I admit I agree. Brother Deco is a prick. He is a prick. But the voice, Brothers and Sisters. — His voice is not the voice of a prick. That voice belongs to God.

No one argued with him.

— We need him, Brothers. We need the voice.

— Pity abou’ the rest of him.

— Granted.

— I’ll talk to him tomorrow at work, said Jimmy.