Roddy Doyle: The Commitments

— Who said tha’? said Mickah. — Which one o’ yis said tha’? They watched him tearing along the front, grabbing shoulders.

— Billy, said Joey The Lips.

— Yeah?

— Ain’t That Good News—

— Wha’? —Oh, fuck, yeah! Sorry.

— THUM — TICKEH TICKEH TICKEH

— THUM — TICKEH TICKEH TICKEH

THUM — TICKEH—

— THUM—

Deco stepped up and walked along the front of the stage. He looked down at his audience.

— I want yis all to get up off o’ your seats an’ (—Wha’ fuckin’ seats? Mickah shouted.) — an’ clap your soul hands for me an’ the boys.

— An’ the girls, you, Bernie shouted at him.

— Billy — THUM — TICKEH TICKEH TICKEH—

Derek got going on the bass.

Deco sang.

— OH MY BABY’S COMIN’ HOME TOMORROW — AIN’T THA’ GOOD NEWS

— GOOD NEWS!

Deco and the Commitmentettes — Man — AIN’T THA’ NEWIS—

— BAYBA’S COMIN’ HOME TOMORREH—

The girls turned and wriggled a bit.

— Get up! someone roared.

— AIN’T THA’ NEWS — MA — HAN— AIN’T THA’ NEWIS —

The girls squeezed themselves.

— AIN’T THAT GOOD NEWS — GOOD NEWS!

A small hand grabbed Bernie’s shoe. She stepped on it and turned.

— AAAH! — Oh mammy! — yeh cunt, yeh.

— Jaysis!

— I GOT A LEH-ETTER JUST THE OTHER DAY —

Joey The Lips and Dean: —DUH-DUH-DUUH

— TELLIN’ ME THA’ SHE WAS ON HER WAY — EE-EE

Imelda thumbed a lift. Someone whistled.

— AN’ SHE WANTS ME TO MEET HER AT THE STATION —

The horns: — DUH — DUH — DUUH —

— AIN’T THA’ GOOD NEWS —

Bernie rubbed her foot.

— I JUST CAN’T WAIT TO GET HER HO — WOME —

Billy: — THUM — TICKEH TICKEH TICKEH —

— WHER — HEHERE WE CAN BE FINALLY ALONE — AH—

The horns: — DOOH — DOOOH — DISCON —

—ECT MY TELEPHONE —

— AIN’T THA’ GOOD NEWS — JAYSIS AIN’T THA’ NEWIS — Oh yeah!

— MAN — THAT’S RAPID NEWIS —

A mike screeched.

— Sorry ’bou’ tha’, they heard Jimmy shout. — My fault. — Won’t happen again.

It did though.

So far Outspan hadn’t played a chord. He stood looking at the boards, stiff. Deco was prancing up and down (he was used to his suit by now) and Joey The Lips and Dean had been forced back, up against the drums. Natalie’s shoes were digging into her. Bernie’s hair was coming down.

But they were getting away with it. The thirty-three and Mickah were enjoying the show. They were also expecting Deco to fall off the stage any time now.

So they didn’t need Mickah’s prompting when Ain’t That Good News ended.

— Clap. Go on. — Clap.

They were clapping already. Mrs Foster was out of her seat. She hadn’t noticed that her son hadn’t done anything yet.

— Hello, Barrytown, said Deco.

— Hello, Deco!

Deco rubbed his arm across his forehead.

— I hope yis like me group, said Deco.

Those watching the other Commitments saw them stiffening, and Billy making a rude gesture at Deco’s back with one of his sticks.

— This one’s called Chain Gang.

— HUH —

HAH —

HUH —

HAH —

Outspan turned so that he was looking away from his mother. That helped. He began to play, the same chord, but it was a start.

Derek sang.

— WELL DON’T YEH KNOW —

Deco stepped in front of him.

Deco: —THAT’S THE SOUND O’ THE MEN —

WORKIN’ ON THE CHAIN —

GA — EE — ANG —

They were dancing. The audience was dancing, a lot of them, little mods and modettes, shaking, turning in time together, folding their arms, turning, folding their arms, turning. Mickah tried to stop them.

— Just listen, righ’.

But this was their kind of music. Jimmy saw Outspan’s mother dancing with them. Mickah had to leave them alone.

Two heavy metallers were leaning against the wall at the side. Mickah went over to them.

— Get dancin’, youse.

They started to head-bang.

— Not like tha’.

Mickah stopped them.

— Like them over there.

Back on-stage, an accident was going to happen. It was James’ solo and Deco was killing time, swinging the mike over his head. The mike was rising to his right and swooping to his left. It swooped into the back of Bernie’s head. She was sent flying forward and she had to jump off the stage.

The Commitments stopped.

There were disappointed Aahs from the crowd and then clapping, Mickah inspired.

Joey The Lips jumped off the stage. There were cheers. Jimmy was down there too, helping them find the heel that had broken off Bernie’s shoe. The search kept her mind off the pain at the back of her head.

On-stage, Deco was being given out to.

— Yeh stupid cunt, yeh.

Imelda kicked out at him, and connected. Billy threw a stick at him. It hit his shoulder.

— Yeh were told not to do tha’, said Derek.

— I forgot.

— Another thing, said Billy. — It’s not YOUR fuckin’ group.

— Okay okay, said Deco.

He stood at the edge of the stage. Outspan was looking mean.

— I’m sorry, I’m sorry, righ’.

Bernie came back. She left her shoes and heel in Jimmy’s hands. Imelda and Natalie took their shoes off.

— Good girls, Sisters, said Joey The Lips.

He stopped on his way past Deco.

— You apologize very, very nicely to Bernadette or you get my trumpet up your ass.

Deco couldn’t believe this. This little baldy fuck was threatening him.

— Move! Joey The Lips roared.

Deco hopped to it.

— Listen, Bernie. — Sorry, righ’. —Really.

— Yeah. — Well, said Bernie.

— Wha’ Bernie’s tryin’ to say, said Imelda, — is tha’ you’re a stupid bollix.

Mickah was singing from behind the crowd.

— WHY ARE WE —

WAI —

TIN’ —

— Okay, said Deco into the mike. — Thanks a lot. Tha’ one was dedicated to the lads in jail. Mountjoy an’ tha’, who’re in for drugs — like — because it must be like a chain gang for them. — We hope they get better an’—because, like the banner says, Heroin Kills.

— So do you.

— Who said tha’? —Come here, you.

They watched Mickah picking up a child and carrying him to the door.

— It’s not spelt righ’, a boy took advantage of Mickah’s absence.

— Fuck off, Smartarse, said Deco. — An’annyway, if you’re ever tryin’ to give up the drugs yeh can always reach ou’.

Nothing happened.

— Billy.

— Wha’?

— Reach Ou’.

— Oh yeah!

— THU — CUDADUNG CUDADUNG CUDADUNG

— THU — CUDADUNG CUDADUNG CUDADUNG

Outspan was happier now. Derek had his eyes closed. Dean wiped his face with his hankie. A drum fell over. Billy kept going.

— JUST LOOK OVER YOUR SHOULDER, Deco yelled.

The Commitmentettes looked over their shoulders.

—THU — CUDADUNG CUDADUNG CUDADUNG

—THU — CUDADUNG CUDADUNG CUDADUNG—

— I’LL —

BE THERE —

TO LOVE AN’ CHERISH —

YOU —

HOU —

OU —

I’LL —

BE THERE —

WITH A LOVE THA’ IS SO —

TRUE —

HUE —

UE —

Derek jumped as he thumped at the string and he walked backwards into the piano. James found his fingers on the wrong keys. The piano had moved, bashed into the backdrop, the operetta society’s South Pacific scenery (last year’s Sound of Music scenery with a very yellow palm tree painted onto one of the hills).

The song was over. The audience didn’t know this until Mickah told them to clap.

The caretaker assessed the damage.