Roddy Doyle: The Commitments

— No harm done. — It’s a crummy bloody thing annyway. A spa could paint better than tha’, he told Jimmy as the two of them got off the stage.

— How yis doin’ ou’ there? Deco asked his audience.

— Very well, thanks, said Mrs Foster.

— Okay, said Deco. — This one’s for the lads in CIE.

— What’s he on abou’? Billy asked James.

He was putting the drum back.

— I just do not know, said James.

— ALL ABOARD, said Deco. — THE NIGHT TRAIN.

The little mods and modettes knew this one. They cheered. They formed a train as The Commitments got going. Joey The Lips and Dean pointed their horns at the lighting. Derek and Outspan shuffled in time together. Deco chugged up and down the front of the stage. The girls went off-stage to have a look at Bernie’s shoe. Billy lobbed a stick into the crowd.

No one caught it because everyone was part of the train, Mickah the caboose, going round and round the centre of the hall.

— OH YEAH, Deco started.

OH YEAH —

He swung his arms.

— MIAMI FLORIDA —

ATLANTA GEORGIA —

RALEIGH NORTH CAROLINA —

WASHIN’TON D.C. —

He went off the tracks for a second.

— SOMEWHERE THE FUCK IN WEST VIRGINIA —

BALTIMORE MARYLAND —

PHILADELPH — EYE — AY —

NEW YORK CITY —

HEADIN’ HOME —

BOSTON MASSACHU — MASSATUST — YEH KNOW YOURSELF —

AN’ DON’T FORGET NEW ORLEANS THE HOME O’ THE BLUES —

OH YEAH —

THE NIGH’ TRAIN —

THE NIGH’ TRAIN —

COME ON NOW —

THE NIGH’ TRAIN —

THE NIGH’ TRAIN —

NIGH’ TRAIN —

CARRIES ME HOME —

NIGH’ TRAIN —

CARRIES ME HOME —

Deco let the other Commitments go on without him. The important part was coming.

Dublin Soul was about to be born.

He wiped his hands on his trousers. Joey The Lips gave him the thumbs-up. The Commitmentettes came back on-stage.

Joey The Lips and Dean were bringing the train back round towards Deco.

Deco growled: — STARTIN’ OFF IN CONNOLLY —

The train in the hall stopped as they waited to hear what was going to follow that.

Deco was travelling north, by DART.

— MOVIN’ ON OU’ TO KILLESTER —

They laughed. This was great. They pushed up to the stage.

— HARMONSTOWN RAHENY —

They cheered.

— AN’ DON’T FORGET KILBARRACK — THE HOME O’ THE BLUES —

Dublin Soul had been delivered.

— HOWTH JUNCTION BAYSIDE —

THEN ON OU’ TO SUTTON WHERE THE RICH FOLKS LIVE —

OH YEAH —

NIGH’ TRAIN —

His voice went but he got it back.

— EASY TO BONK YOUR FARE —

Wild, happy cheers.

— NIGH’ TRAIN —

AN ALSATIAN IN EVERY CARRIAGE —

NIGH’ TRAIN —

LOADS O’ SECURITY GUARDS —

NIGH’ TRAIN —

LAYIN’ INTO YOUR MOT AT THE BACK —

NIGH’ TRAIN —

GETTIN’ SLAGGED BY YOUR MATES —

NIGH’ TRAIN —

GETTIN’ CHIPS FROM THE CHINESE CHIPPER —

OH NIGH’ TRAIN —

CARRIES ME HOME —

THE NIGH’ TRAIN —

CARRIES ME HOME —

Two boys invaded the stage and jumped up and down and went to jump off again. Deco grabbed one of them and stuck the mike under his mouth.

— Sing.

— No way.

— Go on. NIGH’ TRAIN —

The little mod squealed: NIGH’ TRAIN.

More of them climbed up on the stage and became a little choir around the mike-stand.

— NIGH’ TRAIN, they roared.

— NIGH’ TRAIN, they roared.

— NIGH’ TRAIN.

It eventually stopped. The cheering went on for minutes. Derek let himself cry.

Jimmy called them off.

From the side Jimmy spoke into the mike.

— Ladies an’ gentlemen, let’s hear it for — Yes, Yes, Yes, The Commitments. — The Commitments, ladies an’ gentlemen. — The Hardest Workin’ Band in the World. — The Commitments — bringing soul to Dublin — Bringing the People’s Music to the People. — Yes, Yes, Yes, Yes— The Commitments.

Mickah dug his finger into backs.

— Shout for more. Go on. — More.

— MORE!

— More!

— We can’t hear yis, said Jimmy.

— Where d’yeh think you’re goin’? said Mickah.

— Home, said a boy.

— Get back up there an’ cheer. — Go on.

— I have to go home. — Me ma will burst me.

— I’ll burst yeh if yeh don’t get back.

— We can’t hear yis, said Jimmy.

He put his hand over the mike.

— What Becomes of the Broken Hearted, then the girls do Stoned Love, then yis come off again, then Knock on Wood, righ’? —Got tha’?

— Wha’ abou’ Man’s World?

— They’re too young, said Jimmy.

— When a Man Loves a Woman?

— Too slow, said Jimmy. — They’d get bored. They’re too young. A couple o’ fast ones is enough for them.

— But we rehearsed loads more, said Derek.

— Brother Jimmy speaks the truth, said Joey The Lips. — A short, sharp shock works best with the very young Brothers and Sisters.

The caretaker arrived.

— There’s a fella at the back, from tha’ Northside News thing.

— Fame, said James. — I’m gonna live till Tuesday.

— Janey! said Natalie. — Does he have a camera?

— Yeah, he does, said the caretaker. — He’s a bag full o’ them. Flashes an’ —yeh know.

Jimmy spoke into the mike.

— They’re comin’ back, ladies an’ gentlemen, The Commitments are comin’ back.

He pointed to James.

— Clap hands clap hands for James The Soul Surgeon Clifford.

Deco pushed James onto the stage. James stood there.

— The man performs transplants on the piano, ladies an’ gentlemen. — Soul Surgeon Clifford.

James went over to the piano.

— On drums, Billy The Animal Mooney.

Billy jumped on-stage and gorilla-walked to his drums.

One at a time Jimmy sent them back. Joey The Lips got the biggest cheer.

The girls were last.

— Last, said Jimmy. — The girls.

There were screams. The girls looked at one another and raised their eyes to heaven.

— Sonya —Sofia —An’ Tanya. —The Commitmentettes, ladies an’ gentlemen.

They strolled onto the stage. Natalie ducked when she saw something fly up and out of the darkness. It landed behind them, a little pair of light blue underpants.

The Commitments cracked up. Deco kicked the underpants off the stage. They came back. Deco kicked them across to Jimmy.

— Okay, y’awl, said Deco to the fans. — Let’s take it to the bridge.

— I’ll get them back for yeh after, righ’, said Mickah. — When it’s over.

— Yeh said yeh’d give me a pound, the boy reminded him.

— I’ll let yeh in for nothin’ the next time, said Mickah.

This injustice stunned the boy for a while. He’d just made a sap of himself, flinging his kaks at your women on the stage and now he wasn’t even going to be paid for it. Then words came back to him.

— Yeh fuckin’ bollix, yeh.

Mickah gave him a good dig, then felt guilty and gave the boy fifty pence, and another dig.

Most of the encore went well. The little mods recognized What Becomes of the Broken Hearted and they cheered when Deco sang the bit about waiting under Clery’s clock.

— Thank you, little Brothers and Sisters, said Joey The Lips. — The Lord Jesus smiles down on you. Thank you. — Now the Sisters, Sonya, Sofia and Tanya, are going to cut loose. — Brothers and Sisters, The Commitmentettes.

— Whooo! said Deco. — Let’s take it to the bridge.

— Wha’ fuckin’ bridge?

— Who said tha’? Mickah roared.

— Matt Talbot bridge.

— Who said tha’?