Roddy Doyle: The Commitments

— Sort of.

— Dean’s solo didn’t have corners. It didn’t fit. It spiralled. It wasn’t part of the song. — It wasn’t part of anything. It was a real solo. Washington D.C.’s drumming wasn’t there as far as it was concerned. — That’s jazz, Brother. That’s what jazz does. It makes the man selfish. He doesn’t give a fuck about his Brothers. That’s what jazz is doing to Dean, said Joey The Lips. — Poor Dean.

The Commitments finished with It’s a Man’s Man’s Man’s World. Mickah stood back. James gave the beat out here.

— DOOM — DAH DAH DAH DAH DAH —

DOOM — DAH DAH DAH DAH DAH —

Deco sang: —THIS IS A MAN — AN’S WORLD—

The Commitmentettes shook their heads.

— DOOM — DAH DAH DAH DAH DAH —

DOOM — DAH DAH DAH DAH DAH —

— THIS IS A MA — AN’S WORLD —

The girls shook their heads again. Some men in the audience cheered.

— BUT IT WOULDN’T BE NOTHIN’ —

NOTHIN’ —

WITHOU’ —

A WOMAN OR A GURL —

The Commitmentettes nodded. They turned to look at Deco. He was facing them.

— YEH KNOW —

MAN MADE THE CAR —

THA’ TAKES US ONTO THE RO — OAD —

MAN MADE THE TRAY — AY — YAIN —

TO CARRY THE HEAVY LOAD —

— DOOM — DAH DAH DAH DAH DAH —

DOOM — DAH DAH DAH DAH DAH —

The Commitmentettes turned their backs on Deco. He pleaded with them.

— MAN MADE THE ’LECTRIC LIGH’ —

The girls looked over their shoulders at him.

— TO TAKE US OU’ O’ THE DA — HARK —

MAN MADE THE BOAT FOR THE WAT — HAH —

LIKE NOAH MADE THE AH — ARK —

Outspan plucked the guitar like a harp.

— COS IT’S A MAN’S —

MAN’S —

MAN’S WORLD —

BUT IT WOULDN’T BE NOTHIN’ —

NOTHIN’ —

WITHOU’ A WOMAN OR A GURREL —

The girls swayed and nodded. Mickah swayed and nodded.

— YEH SEE —

Deco was still singing to the girls.

— MAN DRIVES THE BUSES —

TO BRING US ROUN’ AN’ ABOU — OU’—

AN’ MAN WORKS IN GUINNESSES —

TO GIVE US THE PINTS O’ STOU — OUT —

The crowd began to clap here. Deco raised his hands, and the clapping stopped.

— AN’ MAN —

MAN HAS ALL THE IMPORTANT JOBS —

LIKE HE COLLECTS ALL THE TAXES —

BUT WOMAN —

WOMAN ONLY WORKS UP IN CADBURY’S —

PUTTIN’ CHOCOLATES INTO BOXES —

SO —

SO —

SO —

IT’S A MAN’S — MAN’S WORLD —

BUT IT WOULD BE NOTHIN’ —

NOTHIN’ —

FUCK ALL —

WITHOU’ A WOMAN OR A GURREL —

This time they wouldn’t stop cheering and clapping, so It’s a Man’s Man’s Man’s World was over.

The Commitments were clearing the stage after closing time.

Derek spoke. — Tha’ Man’s World is a rapid song, isn’t it?

— Fuckin’ brilliant.

Deco took the bottle from his mouth.

— Yeah, he said. — I’m thinkin’ o’ doin’ it on Screen Test. — Tha’ or When a Man Loves a Woman. They’re me best.

Outspan dropped everything.

— There’s no way we’re goin’ on Screen Test. No fuckin’ way.

— Yeah, said Derek.

— I know tha’, said Deco. — Yis didn’t hear me.

He took a mouthful from the bottle.

— Did I not tell yis? — I thought I did. — No, I’m goin’ on Screen Test. On me own, like. I got me ma to write in for me.

Derek roared. — JIMMY! COME EAAR!

Then he stared at Deco.

Jimmy was just outside on the path, thanking Hot Press for coming. He heard the roar.

— Good fuck! I’d better get in. — Migh’ see yeh again next week so?

— Right, yeah.

— An’ see if yeh can bring your man along, righ’. I’ll buy him a pint.

— Will do.

Jimmy trotted in. He had good news.

He forgot it when he saw the story; The Commitments standing away from one another, Deco in the middle.

— Wha’ now?

— Tell him, said Derek.

Deco told Jimmy.

— Yeh bad shite, yeh, said Jimmy.

— Wha’!

— Are yeh serious?

— Yeah. — I am.

— What is this Screen Test? Joey The Lips asked.

Outspan told him.

— It’s a poxy programme on RTE. A talent show like.

— It’s fuckin’ terrible, Joey, said Derek.

— Sounds uncool, said Joey The Lips.

— Why didn’t yeh tell us? Jimmy asked Deco.

— I did tell yis.

No one backed him up.

— I remember tellin’ some o’ yis. — I told you, James.

— No.

— I must’ve. — I meant to.

Mickah came out of the jacks.

— Sorry abou’ tha’, said Deco. — Yeah — annyway, the ma wrote in for me.

Deco decided to get all the confessing over with.

— I applied to sing in the National Song Contest as well.

— Oh — my — Jaysis!

— I don’t believe yeh, said Dean.

The Commitmentettes were starting to laugh.

— Well, said Deco. — Let’s put it this way. — I’ve me career to think of.

Mickah started laughing. Deco didn’t know if this was good or bad.

James laughed too.

— Have yeh no fuckin’ loyalty, son? said Jimmy. — You’re in a fuckin’ group.

— A Song for Europe! said Outspan. — Fuckin’ God! — Wha’.

Imelda sang: —ALL KINDS —

OF EVERYTHIN’ —

REMINDS ME —

OF —

YOU.

— Ah, fuck off, said Deco. — Look. — The group won’t last forever.

— Not with you in it.

— Look. — Be realistic, will yeh. — I can sing, righ’. —

— That’s not soul, Brother, Joey The Lips told Deco.

— Fuck off, you, said Deco, — an’ don’t annoy me.

That’s when Mickah stitched Deco a loaf, clean on the nose. It wasn’t broken but snot and blood fell out of it at a fierce speed.

Outspan got Deco to hold his head back. Natalie dammed the flow with a couple of paper hankies.

— That’s not soul either, Brother, Joey The Lips told Mickah.

— Probably not, said James.

— He shouldn’t o’ talken to yeh like tha’. —I’m sorry, righ’.

— Tell Brother Deco that.

— I will in me —

— Tell him.

— I’m sorry, righ’.

— Okay, said Deco. — Don’t worry abou’ it.

Deco’s nose was under control.

Jimmy remembered the good news.

— There might be an A an’ R man comin’ to see us next week.

— Sent from The Lord, said Joey The Lips.

He held his palms out. Jimmy slapped them. Then Joey The Lips slapped Jimmy’s palms.

— What’s an A an’ R man? Dean asked.

— I don’t know wha’ the A an’ R stand for but they’re talent scouts for record companies. They look at groups an’ sign them up.

The Commitments whooped and smiled and laughed and hit each other. They were all very happy, even Deco.

— A and R means Artists and Repertory, said Joey The Lips.

— I thought so, said Mickah.

— Wha’ label?

— A small one, said Jimmy.

— Aaaah! said Imelda. — A little one. — That’s lovely.

They laughed.

— Independent, said Jimmy.

— Good, said Dean.

— Wha’ are they called?

— Eejit Records. — They’re Irish.

They liked the name.

— They’d want to be fuckin’ eejits to want us.

— They’re only comin’ to see us, Jimmy warned.

— Don’t worry, Jim, said Outspan. — We’ll introduce them to Mickah.

— Good thinkin’, said Mickah. — They’ll fuckin’ sign us alrigh’.

— Plenty o’ lipstick next week, girls, said Jimmy.

— Fuck yourself, you, said Natalie.

* * *

Jimmy hoped the good news would keep The Commitments going. But he was worried. He was losing sleep. Having problems with them one at a time was bad, but now both Dean and Deco were getting uppity. And James was worried about his exams, and Mickah was a looper.