Natashia Deon - Grace

But. .

I don’t know how she see me.

A WARENESS HAPPENS IN Stages.

Not all at once.

It comes by age.

Experience.

Or ’cause somebody told you something and you believed.

Before then, you didn’t know better. Couldn’t judge the consequence right.

But I cain’t judge this.

I cain’t figure how Bessie could see me. And how she might know something. Maybe what she told me is true. That walking into others to touch the living could bring about my end. I’ve felt the pain. So if it’s true, it could make it so I don’t spend another day with Josey. And I want to believe Josey’d feel the difference if I weren’t here.

I’ve got to count the cost.

RICHARD SITS AT his desk thumbing through his papers. Even from here, as I drift in his hallway looking in, I can feel his body warm, like running a hand over a candle. Being in Annie’s got me weak. And if what Bessie says is true, I’m deciding that I ain’t ready to die.

I pass Annie on the other side of the porch door, making my way home to Josey. But see Annie there, awkward looking, hunched down inside her blanket, staying out of Richard’s sight. She cain’t let him see her. Cain’t have him come out and give her final words that’ll end everything.

The porch door creaks and Bessie’s in the doorway. Got the door only slightly opened and she’s standing square in the middle. Richard’s mistress is standing behind her. Bessie say, “Ma’am, Miss Kathy’s here to see you. It’s all right I bring her out?”

Without waiting for permission, Kathy shoulders Bessie to the left and brushes her pregnant belly against her on the way out. “Good mornin, Miss Annie,” she say, wide-mouthed and loud. Annie’s eyes close directly and she sits up straight. “Mind if I come outside wit’cha?” Kathy don’t wait for an answer to that, either, before she starts lowering herself into the swing next to Annie. Annie say, “Please. .” and holds her hand out to the cushioned chair next to the door. “Better on your hips.”

“Thank you,” Kathy say, smiling. She shuffles across the porch, holding her back with one hand, then thuds back into the white wicker chair.

“Bessie?” Annie say. “I’ll have more tea now.”

“Don’t mind if I do,” Kathy say.

“Yes’m,” Bessie say to both of ’em.

Annie stiffens when she sees Richard staring at her from inside the house. She puts on a smile big enough for him to see.

Kathy waves and smiles at Richard through the window and lies back in her chair. “Ain’t nothing like an Alabama winter,” Kathy say, loud as before. “It can’t decide if it’ll rain or snow. Good thing it don’t do nothing. That’s what I call patience. Don’t nobody got none where I’m from. Miss’ippi. There, if the weather cain’t decide what it want to do, it does something anyway. Slush,” she laugh. “Cain’t hardly do nothing with slush. Cain’t work in slush. Children cain’t play in slush. When they go sliding in slush, water sprays this way and that. Makes grass flat. In Mis’sippi. .”

“Do you mind if we sit quietly for a while?” Annie say, turning her head in such a way that Richard can still see her smiling.

“Oh. . yes ma’am.” Kathy lays her head back, closes her eyes. “Cain’t even have a doggone snowball fight in slush.” She pauses, “Oh. I’ll be quiet now.”

Kathy starts tapping her fingernails on the armrests, clicking and pecking. “What is this, wicker?”

“It is wicker,” Annie say.

“Sure is chilly out here,” Kathy say. “Mind if I share your blanket?”

Annie pulls her blanket tighter under her chin, but keeps her smile on. Bessie comes out the house with two steaming cups of tea and a feather-filled blanket for Kathy. She lays it around the pregnant girl’s shoulders but Kathy don’t thank her.

When Bessie goes, Kathy whispers to Annie, “I woulda spit in my face last night, too.”

Annie’s smile leaves her.

“Maybe we can try again,” Kathy say, with one hand out. “Be friends.”

Annie crowds her fingers around her cup and nods. Grins. Kathy say, “Most people call me Kathy, ’cept your husband. He likes to call me Katherine. But my good friends call me Kat or Kathy or Pooty Kat. I respond to most things, though.”

Annie looks beyond Kathy as she talks and searches inside the window where Richard was, while Kathy takes in the fullness of Annie — her poise, even sitting, the soft lines of her mature beauty, the fall of her auburn hair. . the silver wedding band on her finger.

“In Mis’sippi,” Kathy starts again, “summer got three kinds of hot that time of the year. The kind you can sleep in, the kind you cain’t. And the kind you get pregnant in. That’s when I met your husband.”

Annie’s listening now.

Kathy lays back in her chair, closes her eyes and snuggles into her blanket, like she’s ’sleep. Annie sips her tea.

With her eyes still closed, Kathy say, “Must’ve been hard running a place like this all on your lonesome, without a man’s hand.”

“I managed well,” Annie say. “While I waited for Richard, my husband, to come home, I did just fine.”

“Not what I heard. Richard said you was bringing niggers in the house like family. Your hand, Nelson, told Richard this morning. Said it was over his objections. And it was why you fired him.”

“That so?” Annie say.

Kathy leans over and whispers, “I thought you should know Richard hired Nelson back.”

The porch door opens and Richard comes through it. “Are you all right out here, Katherine?”

“Fine, Richard. Fine,” she say, waving him away.

“Annie?” he says. He and Annie hold a friendly gaze. She’s the first to turn away. “Well, when you’re done out here, Katherine, please join me in my study.”

Kathy nods as he closes the door. She say, “Some people say I talk too much. .”

“‘Silence is golden,’” Annie say. “It’s what the Chinese believe.”

“Then I reckon they don’t have bats in China. In Mis’sippi, silence means a dead bat. Bats are blind, see. A bat has to make noise and send it out, so when the noise bounce back, it knows what’s in front of it, what it’s dealing with.” Kathy stretches her arms. “Besides that, bats keep the mosquitoes away.”

“How old are you again?”

“Twenty-one come my birthday.”

“A baby,” Annie say.

“Same age as when Richard married you.”

“A child.”

“Worse mistake of his life, he said, on the account you couldn’t have babies. He’ll have his first Graham soon. Be happy when this one comes.” Kathy rubs her belly.

Bessie comes back through the door and picks up Annie’s empty cup. “Another, Missus Graham?”

“Two,” Annie say.

Kathy watches Bessie as she ambles back inside. “Savages, they are.”

“Or people.”

“A dirty subject,” Kathy say, resting back in her seat. “Hard to even trust ’em with tea. I wish we could find a way to get rid of ’em without war. Cutthroat abolitionists push the issue. I may not know everything, but I know they cain’t free such a people in our midst. Richard understands the order of things. He’d never trust ’em the way you do. They’re disgusting, they are. I once saw one of their babies playing in muddy water. Like a giant earthworm, it was. Rolling around, brown and slimy and. .”

“Maybe you’re right,” Annie say. “Maybe you don’t know everything. Even things you should.”

There are secrets, it’s true. Like the ones between Annie and Richard that Kathy’ll never know. Some matters are so private between couples that even the bitter end of love won’t give ’em away. Little pieces that meant something once and nothing now. And one of theirs is the accident. Another is Josey.