Arnon Grunberg - Tirza

Still less shall take into account the environment. He forget what the environment could think about him. He withdraws. What they think about him is unimportant. Here in Namibia they may think everything.

Than he opens the briefcase and retrieves the note book of Tirza out. The SMS messages and that she has written about it will save and only occasionally Falls are a message, an eight pressurefrom drawing. Probably made when she was speaking on the telephone. Some people talk while having signs, he does not.

He picks up its agenda, browse the page where her e-mail address and the password.

Ship's steward is watching as if it were a letter. Although not intended for them, but a letter.

Type he then www.yahoo.com user name of Tirza and then its password: ibi83.

He sees the e-mails that he himself has sent and which never read it, he sees e-mails from friends and girlfriends, e-mails from people of whom he has never heard.

All those emails he not, he goes to 'Compose'.

The computer works slowly here. Nervous wait until the following screen appears.

He types his own e-mail address, and the subject: 'At last'.

That is nevertheless: at last.

With the child in his lap he begins an e-mail to write.

"Dear pap,' he type, 'sorry that you as long as nothing heard from me. But I am sitting in the desert and phones are not here in abundance. The nature is beautiful.'

He stop typing, looks the child on his lap. You are ', do you not? That nature here is beautiful?'

He rubs his head with a handkerchief and then also on the head of the child. Despite the air conditioning in the internet cafe sweating them both.

Then he continued: 'We stay here. As soon as we are back in the inhabited world, I will call. Not to be worried. I am happy. It is a good thing. I feel like an intense yumminess. Many pillow, greetings to mama. The sun visor Tirza Queen.'

She wrote that always under cards and letters: Tirza the solar queen.

And that of that intense yumminess she said ever against him when he was her had taken a long weekend to Paris. The bathroom in their hotel was nice and very large. In the evening in bath she cried to her father on the bed to watch tv was: 'Pap, I feel like an intense yumminess.'

He was to go to his daughter in bath to watch. 'Dat is the intention,' he said, 'that is also precisely the idea.' He felt when light, light and not overindebted.

There will be at least two times he reads the e-mail that he has written he on 'Send'.

The child is in his lap. It is to do good. It has everything followed what ship's steward has done and said and at the same time it all seems to be past her. Kaisa draws no conclusions from what they can see and hear.

Now he opens his own e-mail. He reads the e-mail has sent him Tirza net.

The sun visor Tirza 'Queen,' he says. More against themselves than against the girl on his lap. As if he surprised what he has written. Like he still did not expect.

From his inner pocket he retrieves his telephone and gazing to the message that Tirza sent him, he calls the wife.

She takes it quickly. She is probably in the garden, or in the living room on the sofa. In an old crypto grams to resolve.

'I,' he says.

'And? There is news?'

The child in his lap lasts her hands off to the keyboard. Gently he pushes the hand away.

'Yes, there is news. I have received an e-mail of Tirza.'

Ship's steward will continue to watch the message that he himself typed. It is for him that he does not know, is not yet good enough. He would the message should read again. He would have to learn from his head.

'It is in the desert,' he says.

'And? Is it correct? What happened? Why did they not also called or emailed earlier?'

The voice of the wife sounds very different than he is used.

'It is good. There is nothing happened.'

The wife does not sound relieved. Its relationship with Tirza has always been complicated. It appears that there would be no relief that her child is still alive. Life is not really a relief. The death perhaps. Ship's steward would agree to think about. If he has time. He understands itself not with which he has so busy.

'And what she writes?'

Ship's steward reads the e-mail in its entirety for. He is satisfied. The word choice, the short sentences. The message is not too long, and yet it is all about what should be in. That intense yumminess, that he likes. The touched him.

'And now?" asks the wife. 'you now to house?'

Ship's steward rubs his mouth. This is the question to which he has not included. On all questions, but not on that. 'I first go to the desert,' he says. 'I do find her now i am here. It must be nice. Empty, many sandy, this seems to have life when it started life.'

Also is they are silent. It seems as if the wife should think again. 'and the dress," she says, 'de dress that I have given you take that for her note?'

'Of course, of course I take that for her. He is located in my wardrobe. He will note. She will be pleased with them. It is a real desert dress.'

'Let's hear something," she says, 'let's hear something soon. I am pleased. And Ibi will also be pleased.' In her voice he hears a strange doubt. Doubt, he thinks, or they ever hear something of it will. The doubt that lets you talk about someone for always has disappeared.

'I will do,' he says, 'I will call you. As soon as I'm back from the desert i call you.'

'I miss you.'

He moves the phone from one ear to the other.

'What do you mean?'

'As I am doing.'

'That's not,' he says, 'You do me not to be missed. I come back again. And it is also too late, I mean to me to miss at all someone to miss.'

'It is empty here. Please forgive me something?'

He looks at the child in his lap.

'No, nothing. I mean, ach. Things as they are. I do not blame you take. That is what i mean. Nothing.'

'say that I of her Tirza hold, if you see her.' He considers that doubt in its voice to be heard, but he will represent themselves.

'I will.'

'And Jörgen…'

'Yes?'

'It will nevertheless,?'

He let the question unanswered. With a short greeting he closes the call.

He puts the child on the ground and pay at the desk.

'and the girl asks?' of the internet cafe. 'There is news? If you have something to learn?'

'They rightly,' he says, "my daughter, she is rightly, she is in the desert.'

'i said it not?'

He nods.

'Children' says the girl, 'not understand how worried parents can. I have one of two and only now I understand my mother.'

'Yes, yes, you understand your parents until you have children.' ship's steward says but what. He has never understood his parents and vice versa.

He leaves the matter. A corner away for the office of South African Airways he says against child: 'You must the people calm down. It is not always as tidy but it must. A calm man is a happy man. I can not against sadness, against panic. I want the people are calm. I hate hysteria. Emotions, that is the curse of this time, emotions.' He speaks the word out as if it is a dirty word. 'De openness, the proud out, faith in it,' he whispers, 'madness, madness. The feeling is a faith that needs to be overcome.'

Than he opens his briefcase to check whether he Tirza's notebook and its agenda has taken from the internet cafe. Everything must sit, is still in the bag. Only he still has no sharpener purchased. Forget the still. And he can also not remember what sharpener is in English.

'I Are you leaving,' he says, 'we need to say goodbye. It was nice, but I must go. I go to my daughter, and you go to your family. Thanks for everything.' He hesitates, he knows what he is no longer have to say. People clash with their shopping bags against him. 'You need me now really tell us where you live.'