Paul Kingsnorth - Beast

i stand up again quickly. the cloud moves around the rocks and the rocks seem to move in the cloud and now something touches my shoulder from behind i’m sure of it i’m sure something touched me a freezing wind blows across my body freezing water pours down my throat i turn around but i see nothing. i hear the scream again the scream of the cat now it is in front of me it is clear to me now how terrifying this is how stupid i have been to follow this thing how stupid i am to want to see it. this thing wishes me no good. here i am in a haunted gully with a river calling beneath me and a cat hunting me yes it is hunting me is it not clear is it not so clear how stupid i am. i am not hunting it it is hunting me and now it has found me.

the freezing wind rises in me the freezing water roars up to overcome me and i start to move as fast as i can but i cannot run among these rocks. i climb them but i must be careful if i twist my ankle if i fall and break something i will lie here and then i will be prey then i will be eaten i try to keep the wind from blowing me over i try to keep the freezing water from rising up my throat and drowning me i keep climbing i keep scrambling down the stone cleft. there is the cry again behind me it is no nearer and no further. it is following me it is playing with me it knows what it wants did i imagine it would look at me did i imagine i could charm it this thing is wild and it is hunting me. i don’t stop moving i am so hungry the valley is steep the rocks plunge down but i keep going i keep moving over and around the granite hanging onto ferns and young trees growing between the teeth of the rocks i hear the scream again. the water runs under the rocks for ever and ever.

i come out after what seems like hours of this. the rocks grow further apart grass appears heather appears there is bracken and now there is a path there is an indistinct path leading down and now i can walk now i can run i run like i have never run before both my legs are so strong my body is a column of light and i will never go back. the scream comes from behind me again it is no further and no closer and i run i run away from the sound of the water and from the rocks and from the cat. the cloud is so close still i can see nothing i could run to my death at any minute but i will not stop running it is such a joy running like this all of your body comes together there is nothing but where you put your feet i am going to run for ever until i outrun this thing. come back she says don’t run don’t run from us you don’t need to run you are too old to run there are things we can do which will mean you never have to run again we will help you. but i have to run because of all the things i see when i sit still and i cannot speak of any of it because i am so small.

i keep running into the cloud now i am running at the cloud and there is no time here nothing passes or begins or ends there is only the running and the cloud. the running is the cloud i am the cloud i curl around and outside myself i am everywhere i am the wind i slam into the rocks i break up and come together again i am a bird i am above the cloud now down through it now up again outstretched i am the body i am the mind i am the running and i am the breathing. at night in the garden or the forest or the field the sound of the earth turning over the soil breathing out on it goes breathing breathing it is the great animal and it makes you tiny it makes you nothing it dissolves you and makes you everything. through the cracks in the granite down under the gully it all opens out and look at the wonders under here i never knew of the wonders under here and all the time i was running across them running and running i am the sound i am the cat i am the rocks and the river under there we all move together where nothing begins and nothing ends. i am up now i am ahead of myself i turn back i see a man running through the cloud towards me i am brick i am stone he flows down from the heather onto a track he looks around him turns left keeps running with the wind with the cloud. he reaches a gate he falls across it he looks up with his eyes wide comes through the gate which is open runs through the door and closes it behind him.

home. i am home was this ever really home well it is now. there is a bolt on the inside of the door and i push it tight across i fall onto the seat at the table i breathe in great gulps as if my chest will break i look around for water but the can is empty. then i see the window god the window is broken there is no glass it could come in through the window why did i break the window what a fucking idiot i am i have got everything the wrong way round i am being hunted here there is no time for games. then i hear a cry i hear the sound it is right outside it is in the yard again. it has come jesus i have to block the window.

the table. there is nothing else big enough i move the mug off the tabletop and put it on the floor and i get to one end and start to lift the table up it is a great heavy old oak thing oh it is too heavy i can’t lift it. i hear the sound in the yard again it is right outside surely it is right outside the cat it wants to eat me i have to lift the fucking table. i put everything i have into it i get the table up onto one end and i push it across the old wooden floorboards towards the window first one side and then another until the face of the table is pushed flat up against the wall and the legs stick out towards me. it is not high enough the top of the open window peeks out above the top of the table wisps of cloud come in through the gap the cat screams again.

what else do i have. i look around the room. the bed the bed is taller than the table i grab one of the lower legs of the table and begin to pull it away from the window. the cat screams again it is under the window. i run over to the bed i throw the sleeping bag onto the floor i pick up the mattress and lug it over to the window i shove the mattress up against the window and it covers it. i drag the table back to the wall trapping the mattress between the face of the table and the window the window is blocked but it is only blocked at the top by a mattress a mattress will not stop a big cat. well i have nothing better it is all i can do i run to the back door and make sure the bolt is secured all of the other windows are closed and locked. would a cat break through glass would a cat live on a moor i have had enough now enough of this.

i sit down on the chair again. the room is darker now that the window is covered with the mattress and the table some light comes in through the small window at the back and through the two small misted glass panels in the back door i don’t want to look through the windows in case i see anything. i don’t want to see anything i don’t want to hear anything i don’t want anything to touch me it is all ridiculous it will go away in time i don’t want to hear anything if i hear anything i will drown in freezing water. but now there is no sound it has gone quiet my breath steadies i pick up the mug that was on the table there is a mouthful of water in it which i drink. it feels good to drink water it feels real i can feel my feet on the ground. i bend down and untie my boots and slip them off i take my socks off and press my warm sweaty feet down into the cold stone floor. it feels good this it feels real here i am again back where i was.

if any of it happened perhaps it will not happen anymore. i am just in this building in the mist on a moor and the mist will lift soon this kind of cloud can disorientate you the water has helped me to calm down i think i am very tired sleep will help. i look over at the bed and i see something under the bed frame that i couldn’t see before i lifted the mattress off i know what it is but i don’t want to believe it. i stand up and walk across to the bed and bend down and pick it up. it is a small purple wrapper a chocolate wrapper with half a chocolate bar inside. chocolate you see it is all normal again water and chocolate and my feet on the ground i am going to enjoy this. i go back to the chair and sit down and unwrap the chocolate slowly a deep brown smell comes up from the packet i drop the packet onto the floor and i finger the small squares on my lap. i take my time eating the chocolate i let it melt in my mouth it has nuts in it i am returned to everything that grows and is real. chocolate and water and my feet on the ground this is better.