Paul Kingsnorth - Beast

i move out of the town past giant metal sheds and down dirty roads i pass through a wooden gate and now rushes and reeds grow up around me from behind. i walk backwards through the rushes and the reeds and on both sides of me black water spreads out and around i keep walking though i do not know what i am walking on. forests of rushes and reeds and great black trees come from behind me and fall away there are sounds on all sides now there is an island in the water and men on horses gather around it. i keep walking backwards into a forest there are pigs in the forest i can hear them grunting around there is a group of men one of them kneels on the floor now i am sure i have seen them before now what is this. a line of men on a hill falls back and down everything falls back and down you could keep walking this way forever everything grows green after a while and the sounds of the beasts are deeper and wilder. there is an ocean of stillness back here. i recommend walking backwards everybody should walk backwards at least some of the time.

but are there any cats here. no i have not seen any and it is a cat i am searching for i remember that the cat found me and left me and i must look into its yellow eyes because there are secrets there and i need to learn them. it is all very well looking backwards but what i am looking for is not here. i walk forwards instead over we go now through the cloud and heather for ever and ever it feels like forever that i have been here. maybe the stone row is an arrow that points to the cat i haven’t heard the cat for a while i can’t smell it now i don’t think perhaps if i keep walking this way something will come. the ground begins to fall now to slope gently downwards the heather gives way to bracken here this is something new. and as i walk something else rises before me but it is not as tall as the stones and it is wider it is a low wall a low wall of earth. as i come up to it and look closer i can see that the earth is mounded and moulded around large stones which are embedded deep in the ground.

i turn right and i begin to follow this low wall which nearly comes up to my waist. after a while there is a gap in the wall i walk through the gap the cloud is still everywhere i come to a small circle of stones with some other stones scattered and buried in the ground inside it. i keep exploring there is more than one the low earth wall makes a circle around these smaller circles of stone it is like an old encampment or a village or something there i was right the stone row was pointing to something it was pointing here to this place. people lived up here that earth wall was a dyke with sharpened sticks around it there were sentries at the gate these little stone circles were houses there were fires in the grates in winter and thatch on the roofs look i am sitting on a flat stone in the middle of one of these circles it was a table or a fireplace or a bed a woman is sitting at the edge of the bed she has wild hair and hunched shoulders she is speaking in tongues she can see that up on the ridges walks a man with a staff and a wide hat she can see that a wolf plays around his feet and a raven around his shoulders she sees through the shadows cast on his face she looks into his one eye and she keeps speaking to him or to herself she keeps muttering.

outside is the sound of children playing it is not cloudy the sun is shining there is no heather or bracken there are wheat fields there are grapevines everything is abundant blue birds sing in the air the water is clean there are men with spears their faces are tattooed there are mangoes growing on trees outside there are apricots the skin of the people is weathered brown. there are goats in the pens inside the outer wall there are dogs barking there are cats the cats are here to keep the mice away from the wheat the cats are here to keep the place clean the cats are here to eat what must be eaten. if you have never been eaten then what are you.

i am hungry again i don’t suppose there is anything to eat here there are no bilberries anyway i am sick of bilberries i never want to eat another berry. never mind hunger is just a feeling feelings come and go they are like worms inside you like birds passing over just watch them and they pass by. there is nothing to eat here and i cannot eat anyway until i have looked into its eyes it would bring me terrible bad luck to eat before i have looked into its eyes it would be an indulgence it would take me away. what i need is to empty myself. perhaps it has never looked into my eyes because i have failed because i am not empty.

now. there. hear that.

it is the cat again it is the scream of the cat it is coming from my left it is indistinct it is not close but i can hear it well enough i stand up i rise from the flat stone on which i was sitting and i turn to face the direction of the sound i stay precisely still until i hear it again. yes. it is some distance away but there it is calling me i begin to walk i cross two of the hut circles and when i come again to the embankment wall i shuffle myself over it and i keep walking through the bracken the bracken gives way to heather there are bilberries here but i will not stop there is no stopping now. i hear the cry again does it sound higher than it did before does it sound different i keep walking and the ground begins to slope downwards first gently and then steeply i lie down i put my arms by my side and i begin to roll down the slope i am rolling down the slope with my sister and we are both laughing. who can get to the bottom first she is older but i always win there is the smell of mown grass by the cricket pavilion in the park we get up together and we race to the water fountain she is older but i always win because i am faster. i drink for hours in the summer sun we will find our friends by the swings and dare each other to go right the way through the low tunnel where the stream goes under the railway line can you stand in the middle when the train passes over without running listen to that sound there is the sound again it is nearer. now there are rocks there are outcrops of granite and i am having to scramble down them there are ferns growing between the rocks now and there is the sound of water there is distant water running between the rocks there is the cry of the cat it is closer now. the sound of the cat and the sound of water singing under stones.

i reach the bottom of the rocks i hear the sound of water running but i cannot see water the cloud is still everywhere. i keep walking and i hit rocks again moving steeply upwards this is some sort of steep rocky valley with water there are tufts of grass and strange ferns growing from between the stones and always there is the sound of water. now again the sound of the cat it is close now it seems to echo as if it were coming from between the stones look at the stones i make my way down this rocky cleft and these great shapes loom from the mist and they are not shaped like the stones in the row they are sharp and wild and no human put them here. i hear the sound of water running where is the water coming from i squat down and listen i put my ear to the ground the water is under the ground there is a stream beneath me somewhere. i move slowly down the valley picking my way over the huge rocks. through the cloud great shapes come at me and fall away again there is the sound again there is the scream the cat is close. i keep heading down over the stones with the sound of the water i head towards the sound of the cat.

i almost put my foot down a deep hole in the rocks. i pull back just in time and grab an outcrop of granite to steady myself i hang onto the granite with both hands between my hands is a face something like a human but not quite human it stares out at me from the rock look at the grain of the granite in those eyes something is watching me here this is not a good place. i let go of the face i squat down and i peer down the dark hole the sound of water comes from deep below god this is a fearful place. what is down there what is beneath these rocks this is awful. something is rising what am i doing here i hear the scream again the scream of the cat but now it is behind me it is close behind me what is it doing this thing why is it screaming what is it. why would i be following some animal across a moor in this cloud how do i know what this is how do i know anything.