Daniela Kapitánová - Samko Tále's Cemetery Book

I finished all nine years of schooling and I never had to repeat a year because I’ve always been respected due to being so hard-working, and due to always coming top regarding waste paper.

Later on Karol Gunár (PhD Social Sciences) made sure that I kept going to school and never had to repeat a year so that I could stay in the same form as Darinka Gunárová and would always tell him everything that I noticed because I’m very good at noticing.

I’ve always been very good at noticing and every time I noticed something I would tell him because I have lots of good qualities and I’ve always got a lot of praise due to that.

I used to be friends with lots of people, too.

But I was mostly friends with Tonko Szedílek because he was my only friend.

Except that he had superstitious prejudices, meaning that he believed in religion and that wasn’t allowed back then even though it’s the law now. But back then, if you had a lot of superstitious prejudices, people would notice and so would the High Ups and it was a total disaster. That’s why Grandaddy didn’t me want me to play with Tonko, because he was worried that I would start believing in religion, too Because the games I used to play with Tonko were a bit weird, and he used to tell me all sorts of weird things regarding religion.

But what he mostly talked about was his Father and how he would come one day and then he would be on earth and everyone would be fine, especially Tonko because he was his son, but I would be fine too because I was his friend. I asked if Darinka Gunárová would be fine too, but Tonko said that he wasn’t interested in Darinka Gunárová.

And then he told me that he talked to his Father every night about what it was like Up There but he didn’t mean that his Father was High Up in the Communist Party, only that he was Up There. And every time he said Up There he turned up his head and pointed his chin upwards.

Sometimes I think that he was just making it up because he had superstitious prejudices. And besides, how could he talk to his Father who was Up There when Tonko was down here, right?

Right?

Later on Karol Gunár (PhD Social Sciences) also told me that Tonko had made it all up because he and Katuša Szedíleková had been born out of bedlock.

But then again, sometimes I still remember the weird smell that I could smell that night when I woke up. Only I had no idea where this smell came from because nobody explained to me what this smell was about and where it came from. And besides, Tonko had been born out of bedlock and due to that he wasn’t right in the head and so it goes without saying that it was just his problem and that it isn’t our problem, right?

Right.

Because it’s true that Tonko had superstitious prejudices regarding religion.

Once there was this man in Komárno who also had superstitious prejudices regarding religion, and his name was Ľudovít Bucz. He was a driver regarding ambulances. And he had superstitious prejudices regarding the Protestant religion. But apart from the Protestant religion he was OK. He had religion on his mind all the time and he went to Church all the time but his wife was Catholic, not Protestant, and she never went to Church with him. Not because she was Catholic, but because she used to do sexual things with a man who was a Lieutenant Colonel in the Military while Ľudovít Bucz was at Church. Ľudovít Bucz didn’t know about it, because he was more interested in Protestant things than sexual things, but once he came back from Church early because he had a cough and a temperature and wanted to go to bed. And that’s where he found his wife with this man who was a Lieutenant Colonel in the Military.

But they didn’t notice him because they were preoccupied.

So Ľudovít Bucz decided to do something about it. He went to Hospital, got one of the ambulances and crashed it into their house at full speed because their bedroom was on the street side. But they were fine because they were in the bathroom but Bucz wasn’t fine because he died due to crashing the ambulance into his house. The ambulance got wrecked due to the crashing, too And then Mrs Buczová got into big trouble.

People said it served her right and they felt sorry for Ľudovít Bucz.

I felt sorry for him, too.

Then the man who was a Lieutenant Colonel in the Military also died due to suicide, but nobody felt sorry for him even though he shot himself in his own office with his own gun, because that’s allowed in the Military.

His name was Lieutenant Colonel Peter Radosť (PhD Engineering).

I didn’t do Military Service because I was excepted due to being disabled, but I wasn’t happy about being excepted, not like some other people who were happy to be excepted because they didn’t want to do Military Service. But the thing I don’t get is why they were so happy to be excepted because it meant that they wouldn’t have funny stories to tell about Military Service afterwards, because those who didn’t get excepted always had lots of funny stories to tell about Military Service.

Žebrák was excepted from Military Service more than anyone else I’ve ever known because he’s an artist and that’s what they’re all like. They all want to be excepted, but I don’t get it, because if they didn’t they could have all these funny stories to tell on TV and in newspapers and everyone would have a good laugh. Right?

Right.

Žebrák was excepted because he was very unhappy about doing Military Service. So he asked Uncle Otto if he knew a medicine against doing Military Service and Uncle Otto said he would think about it.

So he went and thought about it and the next time Žebrák came to Komárno Uncle Otto gave him some mushrooms that looked like bits of dirty glass, wrapped in a newspaper. Uncle Otto said that if he didn’t want to do Military Service he would have to swallow as many of the mushrooms as he could fit into his mouth in one go, and he had to do that three times a day.

The name of the mushrooms that looked like bits of dirty glass was Blackshard Shapka. Uncle Otto told him that the Blackshard Shapka would make him look very ill regarding his urine but that it would be just black colour with a little bit of blood mixed in it. He said that his urine would turn black like the colour black.

So that’s what Žebrák did and his urine did turn black like the colour black and the doctors were really astonished regarding his urine because they could only find a little bit of blood in it and every time they said he was OK, Žebrák would swallow as many Blackshard Shapkas as he could fit into his mouth and his urine would come out black as the colour black again.

In the end the doctors were so astonished that they said he didn’t have to do Military Service.

Žebrák was very happy and so was Ivana, because they already had a baby, because Ivana kept having babies. And my Dad was happy too because they had pulled a trick on the army. But he didn’t say it like that, he said it in very rude words.

I was happy too but I was also scared of getting into trouble, so I wasn’t really happy.

After that Žebrák was very fond of Uncle Otto and after Uncle Otto went missing he even wrote a song about him because he’s popular, not like Ivana.

And ever since Uncle Otto went missing, every time Žebrák comes to Komárno, he asks if there’s any news of Uncle Otto.

And I always tell him there’s no news. Because most people think we’ll never hear from him because Uncle Otto is never going to come back. Margita says so too and she knows lots of people, so she should know.

After Žebrák ate the Blackshard Shapka mushrooms Ivana told me that if anyone found out what had happened regarding the Blackshard Shapkas, Žebrák would end up in jail, and so would Ivana, Uncle Otto, Dad, Mum as well as me, and that goes without saying.