Daniela Kapitánová - Samko Tále's Cemetery Book

But the one thing I don’t get is what he was up to all night long if he didn’t watch TV. That was very weird and I told Ivana that I thought it was very weird that he didn’t have a TV set because everyone has got one. But Ivana didn’t care at all and every time she came they talked about foreign words and never about why he didn’t have a TV set. Even though everybody has got one.

Even that rat-woman Angelika Édesová has got one, and she’s a Gypsy. Even she’s got a TV set. That’s why it was very weird.

When he died I told Ivana it was no wonder that he died because maybe he wasn’t right in the head, but he didn’t know it because nobody had told him.

Because it’s really very weird that he didn’t have a TV set.

I never told anyone that we were renting to someone who didn’t have a TV set, because people might have wondered why we were renting to someone like that. And I wouldn’t have known what to say, because otherwise he was very tidy, except that he took too many showers and drank alcohol and kept his lights on all night.

Otherwise he had lots of good qualities.

Except that he didn’t have a TV set.

Once there was this man in Komárno whose name was Ženge and he stole 22 TV sets in one go. Not because he needed 22 TV sets in one go, but because he made a plan. The plan Ženge made went like this:

He rang up the Communist Party High Ups in Komárno and said that it had been discovered that some TV sets made in the German Democratic Republic were faulty regarding people’s health and that they would have to be taken away. But it had to be done in all secrecy, without alarming the Working Classes, and it was the law for the High Ups to get everything ready in complete secrecy. So they did as they were told and when Ženge came along with his driver and a lorry they had everything ready and packed and had even prepared refreshments, because they thought that Ženge was one of the High Ups, too.

After the refreshments Ženge made them all sign a piece of paper that said it was all a big Communist Party secret and they wouldn’t tell anyone, otherwise they would all be in big trouble and they would end up in jail.

So they helped Ženge load the TV sets onto the lorry and he left all refreshed.

And after that Ženge had a good laugh because he thought it was very funny. But the thing was, his driver was that nasty raving queer Borka and he went around bragging about it so everyone knew all about it.

I knew all about it, too.

So I went to see Karol Gunár (PhD Social Sciences) and I told him everything because I always notice everything and that’s why I knew about this, too Because if I hadn’t told him it would have been a total disaster for the Communist Party, and then people would have made fun of them.

So they went and caught Ženge along with Borka and put them straight in jail and it serves them right. They got eight years each, even though they didn’t manage to sell anything, because they stole the TV sets and made fun of the High Ups. And they gave German Democratic TV sets a bad name, too.

His name was Tihamér Ženge.

And after that Karol Gunár (PhD Social Sciences) praised me very much and he said that I was really clever because I always noticed everything and that I knew everything due to that. He told me to keep noticing things, but I don’t need anyone to tell me that because I’m good at noticing things anyway because I’ve got I.Q.

Because I was the only one in the whole Market Place who noticed that something was wrong with Ján Boš-Mojš Jr when he fell down and his hand started shaking. But I noticed and I said straight away that something had to be done about it. I would have done something about it myself, but I’m not supposed to get worked up, because it’s bad for me regarding my health.

And then this man came along who had two earrings in one ear and said he was a doctor and that it was an elyptical fit. Then he asked us for a stick or something hard but we couldn’t find anything like that. So this man who said he was a doctor grabbed a carrot from a market stall and stuck it between Ján Boš-Mojš Jr’s teeth.

It was very funny but nobody laughed because it was very serious, too.

That’s why I didn’t laugh either.

Then an ambulance came and took Ján Boš-Mojš Jr away along with the carrot and the man who said he was a doctor and had two earrings in one ear.

I don’t know why he had to stick a carrot between his teeth but sometimes I think that maybe he did it regarding the elypsis because that’s a serious illness.

And because carrots are very good for you.

Other vegetables are good for you too, but yoghurt is best of all. Yoghurt is the best thing for your health in the whole world. Every evening I always drink yoghurt and every morning I drink marsh-mallow herbal tea, because it’s very good regarding clearing mucous obstruction from the system. But the thing is, you have to drink it very slowly so I drink it slowly because I’ve got plenty of time in the morning and otherwise the tea doesn’t work.

I don’t have to shave in the morning due to this illness that has a proper name and makes you stop growing and stops your beard growing and that’s very handy, because it saves me time and I don’t need to buy shaving things either.

That’s why it’s very handy.

And another thing that’s handy is that shaving things make great presents for people who shave, like Valent Anka and his sons or Žebrák except that he doesn’t have any sons, only daughters, so shaving things don’t make good presents for them.

But shaving things are very handy.

Slippers make great presents for Ivana and Margita. Except that slippers are very expensive nowadays. When we still had the Communist Party, slippers were very cheap. But I don’t blame them because I don’t want them to think that I’m blaming them for being expensive. Even though it’s true.

Slippers are very expensive.

Anyway.

At Christmas Ivana always gives me all sorts of silly clothes which I never ever wear but Margita gives me pyjamas and underwear which I wear. It was Margita who gave me the underpants called Panther that have a black animal embroidered on the leg.

In the old days we always used to get all together at Christmas, including Grandmummy and Grandaddy and Uncle Otto, and Mum and Dad, and Margita and Ivana.

I used to get all together at Christmas, too.

And we used to put the presents on the piano, because that’s where the Christmas Tree used to be, and after dinner Ivana would play Christmas Carols and we would all sing along. I used to sing along too, although I don’t really sing much because Christmas Carols are hard to remember because you only get to sing them at Christmas. And what’s the point of singing Christmas Carols when it’s not Christmas, right?

Right.

My favourite Christmas Carol used to be the one that goes like this:

‘The holly bear’s a berry

As red as blood.’

And then it goes like this:

‘The holly bear’s a bark

As bitter as gall.’

The only problem was that I had no idea what a holly bear was and why it was bitter or why it barked. Nobody told me what a holly bear was so I thought it was a normal bear, only it ate berries. And the berries were bitter and that made the holly bear bark.

Otherwise the holly bear was just like a normal bear. Except that it barked.

I already used to give people shaving things and slippers for Christmas in the old days because it was very handy and I was well-off regarding money already.

Because I’ve always been collecting lots of waste paper for Recycling even outside of paper collection time because it was really nice and it was interesting work. When I wasn’t at school all I did was collect waste paper because it was really nice and interesting.