Daniela Kapitánová - Samko Tále's Cemetery Book

That’s in Hungarian, so sod you!’

Anyway.

Because every time my Grandfather from Detva came to visit us he used to ask if I used the Hungarian greeting kezét csókolom . My Grandfather from Detva always came to visit us along with my Dad’s older brother. They always went everywhere together, because he never got married because he survived a disaster.

And when they came to visit us they used to sit in the kitchen with my Dad and drink alcohol that they brought from Detva, and they used to ask why there were so many Hungarians in Komárno. And they kept saying that someone should shoot them all so there wouldn’t be so many of them around. But how am I supposed to know why there are so many Hungarians around if nobody’s ever told me?

When I’ve finished writing this I will write about the disaster my Dad’s older brother survived.

They used to visit us when they wanted Grandmummy to make them a new suit, because she always had to make clothes for the whole family due to being a tailor.

Once my Grandfather from Detva came to visit us along with my Dad’s older brother and they brought alcoholic drink and my Grandfather from Detva said that I should have a drink with them. But I said I couldn’t have a drink with them because I wasn’t allowed to drink alcoholic drinks, but my Grandfather from Detva said that it wasn’t nice of me to use Hungarian greetings such as kezét csókolom but refuse to have a drink with them. Then he got a cup out of the cupboard and poured me an alcoholic drink, so I drank it. He got the first cup in the cupboard but it happened to be the one we used for keeping leftover candles, because my Dad used to say that those leftovers might come in handy one day, so I ended up drinking an alcoholic drink along with the leftovers and I had to throw up straight away because it was disgusting. That’s when my Dad came in and wondered why I’d thrown up in the kitchen, so I told him so that he would know. My Dad got so cross that he threw out his elder brother along with my Grandfather from Detva.

He needed an hour to calm down and when he was calm again he asked my Mum to find them and say sorry and please come back. So my Mum went and found them, and they came back and they stayed in the kitchen drinking alcohol until the next morning and until they all made up and loved each other and never argued again. And my Dad was so ill the next morning that my Mum had to phone the school and tell them that Dad couldn’t come to work due to being sick.

When Grandmummy was still alive they used visit us regularly because they needed new suits. But when Grandmummy died they stopped visiting us because Detva is a long way away.

And now I shall write about the disaster that my Dad’s older brother survived. The disaster that my Dad’s older brother survived happened like this:

When he was a young man my Dad’s older brother wanted to get married and he found a woman he wanted to marry who was also from Detva. They were going to get married and everything was ready for the wedding which was supposed to be on a Saturday. And then on the Tuesday before the wedding the woman who was supposed to marry my Dad’s older brother and be his wife went out gathering mushrooms and she gathered enough mushrooms for the whole family, because there are lots of mushrooms in Detva.

My Dad’s mother cooked the mushrooms and invited everyone including the woman who was going to marry my Dad’s older brother and be his wife. And because my Dad’s mother was humorous she said that if the mushrooms were poisonous, they might as well all kick the bucket together and so they all had some mushrooms. Except for my Grandfather from Detva because he was away from Detva when it happened. And the next day my Grandmother from Detva died and so did the woman who was going to marry my Dad’s older brother and be his wife; and my Dad’s older brother very nearly died too except that he didn’t. He stayed in hospital for three weeks and then he came home because he got better, except that his face stayed purple for the rest of his life.

His face was purple like the colour purple.

He never got married after that and everyone felt very sorry for him regarding the great disaster he had survived.

But the main thing was that it was meant to be a Saturday wedding but instead it was a Saturday funeral and everyone said how very moving it was that there was a funeral instead of a wedding and everyone was very moved.

After that everyone said that it was the most beautiful funeral because there were two coffins together and my Dad’s older brother had very nearly died, too Except that he didn’t, and he got better apart from his face that has never lost the purple colour, and people were sometimes scared of him due to this because they didn’t know that he was like that due to poisonous mushrooms.

But luckily he used to wear a welder’s hat and that way people couldn’t see that his face was purple. The reason why he wore a welder’s hat was because he was a welding instructor because there is a big demand for welders in Detva.

Every time he came to visit he told us funny stories regarding welding, for example the things that people said during welding exams. Because you can’t become a welder just like that, first you have to get certified regarding an exam. Because it’s not easy to be a welder.

He knew lots of funny stories about welding exams and some of them were so funny that he told them maybe twenty times. For example the one about this man who said this during his exam:

‘If a welder lets it slip out without protection he will have to bear the consequences for the rest of his life.’

That was very humorous.

Meaning he would bear the consequences for the rest of his life if he let it slip out without protection.

Anyway.

But the best thing was that people thought his face was so purple due to welding. But apart from that he was very popular due to his funny stories.

He was very popular with everyone in my family too, except that there was a big problem with Uncle Otto, because he had a Mission regarding mushrooms and my Dad’s older brother hated mushrooms which goes without saying. So they always had to keep them separated to stop them arguing, because they always argued whenever they met if nobody separated them.

So every time we expected visitors from Detva, they used to lock Uncle Otto in Grandmummy’s and Grandaddy’s flat in the back room, the one they used as store-room because they didn’t have a larder even though they had a two-bedroom flat. But they had no larder. Because that was in the part of town where they later built this big chimney and all the houses there had to be torn down to make room for the big chimney.

In those days Grandmummy and Grandaddy and Uncle Otto used to live all together because he was their son and he had to be looked after regarding everything.

The back room in their house had a black table made of marble and they used it for storing vegetables and eggs and whatever, because in those days you couldn’t get a refrigerator just like that.

This table used to frighten me because Grandmummy once told me that there was blood on that table and I didn’t know what was what and why and how and I was really scared of it because it was black and had a marble top. Only it didn’t have any chairs.

And every time they locked Uncle Otto in the larder to keep him separated, they would bring in an armchair to make him comfortable.

And after the visitors left they would let him out again.

Otherwise there were never any problems with Uncle Otto because otherwise he was very popular.

Once I asked Grandaddy why there was blood on the marble table and Grandaddy got very upset and cross and said that we would all get into big trouble if Grandmummy kept saying things like that. But the thing was, Grandmummy used to smoke cigarettes and read detective stories and do things that nobody else’s grandmother used to do, and that’s why I didn’t know what was what and why and how, so I wanted to know what it was about the blood, but Grandaddy wouldn’t tell me, and all he would say was that Grandmummy was going to get us all into big trouble. But I wanted to know what it was about the blood anyway so I asked Grandmummy, and she told me that our black table made of marble as well as our piano had came from an auction where you could buy things left behind by the Jews.