Daniela Kapitánová - Samko Tále's Cemetery Book

Because Slovaks are the best people in the world and the Slovak language is the most beautiful language in the world.

That is what we were taught at school and it also said on TV that the Slovak language was the most beautiful language in the world.

And the way you can tell is because the Slovak language has the letter Ľ . The letter Ľ is the most beautiful letter in the world because it sounds really beautiful. Other languages, like the Czech language for example, can never be most beautiful in the world because they don’t have the letter Ľ . And that’s why the Slovak language is the most beautiful in the world because it has the letter Ľ .

The funniest language in the world is Hungarian.

And the way you can tell is because if you say something with a Hungarian accent it’s very humorous and it makes everyone laugh. Because it’s very funny.

It makes me laugh too because it’s very funny.

The only person in the world who didn’t think it was funny was Alf Névéry but he never laughed at anything in the world that was humorous because he wasn’t humorous. Even though Hungarian is very humorous.

The thing is, he was very weird regarding nationalities because in his Documents it said that his nationality was Celtic.

I don’t know if you’re allowed to write such things in Documents because I have no idea who those Celts are and what they’re doing in Slovakia so I don’t know what’s what and why and how. Because he always wrote it in the Documents like this: nationality — Celtic.

It was very weird.

But maybe the reason he wrote it like that was that he didn’t really know what nationality, he was because nobody had told him. Because he had a very Hungarian name so maybe he just didn’t want people to think that he was a Hungarian.

Ivana told me that Alf Névéry was a Slovak, but I’m no retard and I don’t believe that he would have written it in Documents like this: nationality — Celtic, if he had been a Slovak. Right?

Right.

Because every Slovak is proud of being a Slovak.

I’m proud of being a Slovak, too.

But the most important thing is that Grandmummy’s Grandmother was half Hungarian and her name was Eszter Csonka meaning that we weren’t really the best Slovaks due to that. The very best Slovak in the world was my Grandfather from Detva because it’s right in the heart of Slovakia and that’s where the best Slovaks in the world come from.

Right now the best Slovak in the world in my family is my Dad’s brother Samuel Tále because he lives in Detva. The next best Slovak is Valent Anka and Margita. Ivana is a very bad Slovak and she’s an embarrassment for the whole family.

She’s an embarrassment for me, too.

Otherwise everyone else in my family was a good Slovak, apart from Grandmummy’s Grandmother who was half Hungarian and her name was Eszter Csonka.

Uncle Otto didn’t turn out to be a very good Slovak either, because he wanted to help all mankind regarding mushrooms irregardlessly of nationality but the thing is, he was disabled with his nerves so he didn’t have to be such a good Slovak because it wasn’t the law back then.

All my friends were Slovak except that I didn’t have many friends because I only had one friend and he was a Hungarian, because his Mum was Hungarian, too Her hair was so long that when she let it down it touched the bottom of her skirt.

She was very weird, not just regarding her long hair but also regarding the fact that she and Tonko were out of bedlock because she had no husband and she was single because she was not married. My other friend was Darinka Gunárová.

Yesterday I saw Darinka Gunárová outside the Cultural Centre.

She was standing on the pavement next to the One-Way Traffic Sign, and she was looking at me but I was so shaken aback that I didn’t know what to do because I didn’t know what was what and why and how. So I stopped because I didn’t know what to do and that’s when I hit the Traffic Sign with my handcart and my rear-view mirror broke off and fell to the ground. I’m usually very clever and my rear-view mirror had never broken off before because I’m very clever, so I don’t get it why it had to break off this time even though I’m really clever.

It’s very weird that my rear-view mirror should break off even though it never ever broke off before.

Darinka Gunárová used to be Class Prefect to start with and she had lots of white teeth. She was friends with everyone in our class including me, but I think that the only one she really wanted to be friends with was Tonko Szedílek, because that’s what he was like and nearly all the girls in our class were in love with him even, though he was born out of bedlock.

But the thing is he was very tall. He was the tallest in our whole class and he was also the best regarding P.E. and that’s why nearly all the girls in our class were in love with him.

I was excepted regarding P.E. so nobody could tell if I was good regarding P.E. or not, even though I’m actually very good.

But Tonko was friends with me, not with Darinka Gunárová, because he was not interested in Darinka Gunárová. He was interested in me because he always used to tell me the weirdest things in the world, like how when he turned fourteen, his Father would come and get him and how his Father would show the two of us how happy everyone was High Up There due to life being happy High Up There. And he always used to tell me that he would take me along with him when he went to climb the Water Tower.

But the thing is, he never said that Darinka Gunárová was supposed to come with us as well because he wasn’t interested in her, even though I noticed that sometimes they looked at each other and I didn’t know what I was supposed to think, because Tonko said that he wasn’t interested in Darinka Gunárová.

And then they got reported to Karol Gunár (PhD Social Sciences) and he sorted things out. And then Tonko fell off the Water Tower and he died on the spot due to that.

I’ve seen lots of dead people in coffins but the only dead person I’ve ever seen in real life was Alf Névéry because I was the one who found him when I went to check if he’d locked up properly, because I am very careful. I am especially careful regarding things like fire and burglars and that’s why, when Alf Névéry moved in next to me, I told him that I would keep a set of keys to his flat because I’m very careful and that’s why I have to check and double-check lots of times that everything is locked up properly. And that is why I used to go and double-check every night that Alf Névéry had locked up properly, because if he hadn’t locked up it could have been a total disaster.

Every time I have to leave my handcart I always lock it up too, because it goes without saying that if I left it unlocked someone could steal it and then I would have to go round without a handcart, but I never go around without my handcart because I’m very hard-working regarding cardboard and my handcart.

So that’s why I told Alf Névéry that I was going to double-check every night if he had locked up properly because you can’t be too careful. Because the other most important thing was that when I first met Alf Névéry, this is what he said to me:

‘Pleased to meet you, Mr. Tále.’

It was very weird.

The thing is that even though people respect me, nobody in Komárno ever calls me Mr. Tále. Everyone calls me Samko or Samko Tále but nobody calls me Mr. Tále, because that’s what they used to call my Dad and my Grandfather from Detva. So that’s why I was very astonished that he called me Mr. Tále because it was very weird.

Because on TV it said that it’s the most polite people who are the most dangerous, and that you can’t be too careful with people like that. So I kept a set of keys, because I’m very careful.