Ma Jian - Stick Out Your Tongue

In the afternoon, Sangsang Tashi sat alone in her room, meditating. She had just visited her sick mother. Over the past months, Sangsang Tashi had tried to cure her mother’s illness with the knowledge she had gained at the medical college, but nothing she’d done had worked. A few weeks ago, she had transferred some of the evil spirits of the disease onto a dog, and the dog had died immediately. But her master had reprimanded her for this. He said that all beings have souls, and that one should think carefully before transferring evil spirits onto other creatures. As she pictured her mother slowly withering away, her mind started to drift once more.

Tomorrow, she would receive her final initiation during the Ceremony of Empowerment. This was the most important ritual the monastery had organised for her since the ceremony that recognised her as a Living Buddha. She preferred not to think about it, though. Over the past days, she had seen the monastic colleges hang new prayer banners in their halls. The long brass horns that had remained in storage for years had been brought out and repaired, and the monks had started practising on them. Every temple was filled with yak butter lamps that were kept alight day and night. Sangsang Tashi continued to stare at the lamp in front of her, but was unable to clear her mind.

She knew that a large ceremonial mandala had been positioned in the centre of the monastery’s Meditation Hall. Buddhist figurines and sacrificial offerings, including the washed intestines of the corpse that she had seen dissected a few hours ago, lay on the main altar. Incense burners had been placed at each corner of the square mandala. In front of the mandala were the hard cushions on which Sangsang Tashi would perform the Union of the Two Bodies Ritual. Below the religious wall paintings, hundreds of yak butter lamps had been placed on bolts of red cloth.

The Ceremony of Empowerment was to be conducted as usual by Labrang Chantso. Sangsang Tashi felt short of breath at the thought that tomorrow she would have to perform the Union of the Two Bodies Ritual with him. She sensed that Labrang Chantso disliked her, and that he hated the thought that his elder brother, Tenzin Wangdu, had been reincarnated in her body. But Labrang Chantso was well versed in the secret doctrines. It was he who had instructed her on the Five Major Treatises, and who had conducted her preliminary vase initiation. Sangsang Tashi pictured Labrang Chantso’s face. His forehead was lined with wrinkles which crumpled to the side when he looked up. Large black pupils filled his small narrow eyes. He was a tall and heavy man.

Sangsang Tashi thought of the wall painting in the Meditation Hall that showed Bodhisattva Vajrapani, Wielder of the Thunderbolt Sceptre, locked in sexual embrace with his female consort. Tomorrow Sangsang Tashi would have to adopt the consort’s position and sit on the Bodhisattva’s lap, her legs wrapped around his waist.A hot, damp feeling stirred inside her. Labrang Chantso’s face flashed before her eyes. His expression was cold and stern.

She quickly banished these visions from her mind and returned to her meditation, reciting the Sakyamuni Mantra. As she concentrated on the life-supporting wind flowing through her heart, three dakinis appeared before her to announce that tomorrow Bodhisattva Vajrapani would take her as his consort. As they disappeared, the dakini in the red robe looked back at her and smiled. Then her inner deity, Manjusri, Bodhisattva of Wisdom, appeared in front of her, seated on the square mandala. She felt a heat spread through her body, and the drops of vital energy race through her heart like beads of light. Her stomach, thighs, knee caps and the soles of her feet suddenly became as light as feathers. Then Geleg Paljor’s face flashed before her. She felt naked and ashamed, and quickly left the meditation. Her mind was muddled. She tried to visualise herself as her inner deity surrounded by four guardian Bodhisattvas, but failed to see herself within his image. Her head started to buzz, and the noises from outside her room entered her consciousness. She left her meditation once more, and reflected on what the three dakinis had told her.

A smell of fried bread blew in through the window. She felt hungry. She banged her wooden fish drum, got her maid to bring her a cup of butter tea and then shut the door. It was night now and the sky was black. SangsangTashi stared at the charred wick of her butter lamp and tried to picture how she would look tomorrow. The thought of having to lie down naked in the Meditation Hall made her stomach clench with fear. She tried to wipe this unholy picture from her mind and return to her meditation, but found it impossible to concentrate. She was restless with anxiety. This was the first time in many years that she had been unable to focus her mind. The thought that she was violating her monastic vows frightened her. She relit the lamp that she’d just blown out, recited the Mantra of the Five Bodhisattvas, and at last her mind began to still.

Early the next morning, she woke up and was overcome by the sensation that in every cell of her body, she was a woman. Dawn had not yet broken and a gentle mist still hung in the sky. She felt her blood stream calmly through her veins and her breasts press against her nightshirt. Her thighs, pelvis and stomach felt smooth and supple. As she sat up, she became even more conscious of her femininity. Then suddenly she remembered that in a few hours she would be lying naked in front of hundreds of people. She wrapped her arms around her shoulders. With her teeth clenched, she stared outside her window and watched the sky turn from purple to blue, then gradually become lighter and lighter.

A crowd of several hundred monks filled the Meditation Hall. Every butter lamp was lit. Bells, horns, drums and cymbals broke into sound. Wearing a ceremonial robe and a necklace of crimson beads, Sangsang Tashi entered the hall, walked to the hard cushions in the middle of the room and sat down opposite Labrang Chantso. She folded her legs in the lotus position, placed her hands on her knees with palms upturned, and chanted the Mantra of the Five Bodhisattvas. Her mind was still agitated, her hands trembled. She felt embarrassed and ashamed. To relieve her tension she dug her feet into the backs of her knees. When the horns sounded again, she realised that she hadn’t yet entered her meditation. Quickly she tried to whisper the Tara Mantra to summon her inner deity, but the words came out in the wrong order.

It was too late now. She opened her eyes and saw Labrang Chantso remove his robes and walk towards her. She looked up at him pleadingly then, shaking with fear, let him push her down onto the hard cushions. Very soon, she felt a sharp pain between her legs and the suffocating weight of a body pressing down on her. She sensed that the woman who had woken inside her just a few hours ago was slowly being ripped to shreds.

Soon the pain subsided, and she became aware of the sweat on her back and neck. She let herself roll and shake as Labrang Chantso moved back and forth on top of her. She felt as though she were floating into a black hole. From time to time, an itching sensation spread through her thighs. Inside the black hole, however, she knew that she was alone, and this allowed her a moment of calm.

Then suddenly she remembered that she was performing the Union of the Two Bodies Ritual. She remembered that she must awaken her chakras if she and Labrang Chantso were to achieve a union of wisdom and compassion. But just as her psychic energy was about to reach her Wisdom Chakra, Labrang Chantso dragged her up onto her feet, hitched her right leg to his waist, and shook her so hard that her mind went blank.

She felt herself wither and wilt as Labrang Chantso clung to her like a magnet, sucking the energy from her bones. At last, she collapsed on the floor. She was helpless. She had no choice but to let Labrang Chantso do with her as he wished. When he sat down again in the lotus position and tugged her towards him, she slumped onto his lap and, like the dakinis on the murals, hooked her legs around his back. The breasts that had grown on her chest at dawn were now as shrivelled as an old woman’s. Sangsang Tashi gasped for breath as the pain below her pubic bone rose through her pelvis and spine.