John Haskell - Out of My Skin

“ American Purgatorio is a triumphant American picaresque, a thrilling quest poem in the indigenous form of a road novel.”

— Benjamin Kunkel, The Nation

“A dazzling metaphysical high-wire act — compelling, deeply moving, mordantly funny and disquieting in equal measure, an existential trip that, at times, seems to rearrange the molecules in the air around you as you read it, demanding that you think of the world and your relationship in it in a wholly new way.”

— The Sunday Telegraph

“The ending here took me by surprise. It’s what every writer strives for — an event both suprising and inevitable. . A serious, admirable novel.”

— Carolyn See, The Washington Post

“Hypnotic. . It’s nearly impossible to summarize in a review without detracting from the impact of the gradually unraveling structure. . Is this a thriller? Amnesia fiction? A metaphysical road novel? A puzzle? The answer is all of the above, of course.”

— Joy Press, The Village Voice

“You can read the novel simply for Haskell’s witty and touching telling of the quest. He’s a marvelous writer, with a sharp eye for American peculiarities and pop culture. . [He] has undertaken nothing less than a modern remake based on Dante’s Divine Comedy . . One of those books that sets the reader’s mind in new directions.”

— Martha Liebrum, Houston Chronicle

“All previous suspicions are now confirmed. Haskell is a terrific writer.”

— Jeff Simon, The Buffalo News

John Haskell

OUT OF MY SKIN

John Haskell is the author of the novel American Purgatorio and of the short-story collection I Am Not Jackson Pollock . A contributor to the radio programs The Next Big Thing and Studio 360 , he divides his time between New York and California.

For Francis Freeman

What happened to me was — not me, but what happened — I’m from New York originally and I moved to Los Angeles to write about movies. Now, instead of writing about movies or people making movies, I was somewhere off the California coast, in the middle of the ocean, writing an article about sharks. A group of scientists had rigged up a fishing boat with winches and scientific instruments, and they’d lowered a stainless-steel cage into the water. They were investigating shark communication, and because I was writing an article about their investigation, I was inside the cage. I was under the water, wearing a wetsuit, and under the wetsuit there were sensors attached to various parts of my body, measuring my heart rate and brain activity, and partly I was thinking about brain activity, but mainly I was thinking about sharks. They’d pretty much guaranteed me a shark attack — something about an anomaly in the ocean current — and so I stood there, or I should say floated there, my back to the boat’s hull, holding the steel handrail, listening to the air as it passed from the scuba gear into my lungs. That, plus the pressure of the water, plus the temperature of the water, plus the fact that there was going to be a shark attack, was focusing my attention.

Speckled sunlight was filtering down from the surface of the water and schools of little fish were darting out from the darkness. I noticed pieces of meat floating above the cage. The scientists were chumming for sharks, and the blood from the meat was dissolving in the water. Through the mask on my face I was scanning the water, looking for a shark, knowing the minute I stopped looking, the minute I took my mind off the idea of shark, like a watched pot, that’s when a shark would appear. And because I didn’t want to miss that appearance, I kept my mind focused on the darkness in front of me, not thinking about anything other than the barely visible darkness. But I must have been thinking something. And I must have been in the middle of thinking it when a white underbelly flashed by, huge and white and slightly above me.

Suddenly the bait was gone. The bait was gone and the shark was gone, but I was still there. And I didn’t know what the scientists, looking at the data from my sensors, were recording, but it was probably fear. My heart was pounding and my adrenaline was pumping, and I could feel my fingertips pulsing inside my rubber gloves. I’d seen enough of the shark to feel its threat, but because I was protected by the safety of the cage, what would normally seem like fear, felt to me like the opposite of fear. Not desire exactly, because I couldn’t actually see the shark. But I was aware of something, just beyond my vision. And when I say aware, I mean I was sensing, from the shark, a kind of communication. And since the most rudimentary form of communication is the expression of desire, I was sensing the shark’s desire. And since one of the things it was desiring was my annihilation, I can’t say there wasn’t a certain amount of fear. What I was trying to do was reach out through that fear, and communicate with this thing. The human brain is capable of receiving millions of neural signals, and I was trying, from inside the cage, to send signals, to the shark. I wanted to tell the shark that I understood what it wanted, and that I accepted what it wanted, and I was just beginning to experience the freedom of this interspecies conversation when I felt the cage begin to rise. The scientists were bringing me up out of the water, and I didn’t want to go out. And I tried to tell them. I tried to signal, through the sensors attached to my body, that I wasn’t ready, that I was still conducting the experiment. I tried to think those thoughts and send those thoughts, but maybe the sensors weren’t working, or maybe my thoughts weren’t working. Either way, I felt the weight of the water pushing me down as the cage rose up, like an elevator, and there I was again, in the breathable normality of air.

The cage was set down on its special platform, and when the door was opened I remember ducking through the opening and stumbling out onto the relative stability of the deck. Although I was standing on the deck, I was still experiencing what had happened a few moments earlier. I felt almost weightless, like air, only lighter than air, my head like a balloon floating on the top of my spine. I could feel my lungs expanding, and I could hear voices talking and metal clinking against metal. People were standing in front of me, and as I stepped out of the cage I embraced, first the captain, who extended a hand, and then an assistant scientist, who brought me a mug of tea. More than embrace her, I locked my arms around her waterproof jacket. She wore overalls and rubber boots, and I could hear her asking if I was all right. I don’t remember what I said exactly, but I must have been grinning, and it must’ve been an infectious grin, because when she led me to a plastic crate, she was grinning at me.

I sat there, still in the wetsuit, the electronic wafers still taped to my body, a blue blanket around my neck, my butt bones on the plastic crate, my feet on the deck, the ocean in front of me, the sky above me, and the only thing missing was my thought. I noticed a corroded hinge on the cabin door, and instead of thinking about what kind of paint they used to paint the hinge, or imagining how I would paint the hinge if I owned the boat, instead of reacting to the hinge, I just saw what it was. Every so often I noticed a thought slip into my head, but it was easy enough to let it go and return my attention to the hinge. Or the assistant scientist. Her long hair was falling across her wide blue eyes. She was standing in front of a portable control panel, asking me questions, measuring my physiological responses, telling me that although she hadn’t done it yet, she wanted to go under the water herself. She told me her name was Elena, that she was an intern, and we talked about Dramamine and UCLA and the life of a marine biologist. There I was, holding my mug of warm tea, looking at her face and the peaceful horizon behind her face, and I wouldn’t have called it paradise exactly, but if paradise is a place where the need for protection falls away, then that’s where I was.