Penny Palmano - Yes, Please. Whatever! - How to get the best out of your teenagers

The expert on modern manners

In memory of my god-daughter Clare

To Katherine, Sam and Fran You are all wonderful, please remain so…now about your rooms

Cover Page

Title Page Yes, Please. Whatever! How to get the best out of your teenagers Penny Palmano The expert on modern manners

Dedication In memory of my god-daughter Clare To Katherine, Sam and Fran You are all wonderful, please remain so…now about your rooms

Photo Photo From left: Francesca, Katherine, Penny and Sam

Foreword Foreword ‘Manners maketh man.’ This was the title of an essay I was given by Mr Lloyd-Jones in the final year of primary school. It would not be an uncommon question to ask why an 11-year-old boy was given such a tough academic task. It was certainly not because I was an intellectual marvel. The truth is much more prosaic. I had stuck two fingers up to the retreating back of the football teacher for picking Paul Parberry instead of the goal machine who was Melanie Ashley. Unfortunately, I was spotted by the terrifying giant Lloyd-Jones. Watching someone being punished by the Head of Balsa Wood Creativity was great sport as we marvelled at his ability to pick up a boy (never a perfect girl of course) with his left arm, tuck him under his left armpit so that both gluteal muscles were in the optimal position for the bear’s paw that was stuck on to his right arm. I would have preferred this punishment: I had received it once and had found that as soon as you became desensitized to the tingling that moved in waves from your bottom to your toes it wasn’t too bad. But this punishment…this was serious. How on earth was I going to do this in the 24 hours I had been given? I admit that it was the fear of what Lloyd-Jones would do to me the next day that led me to admit my crime to my mum in a halting, pathetic voice that evening. Instead of the wind-tunnel of noise which I expected, my mum listened quietly to my story. She said that my demonstration in disagreeing with the selection had indeed been wholly inappropriate and that she would have to tell my dad when he arrived home. In the meantime I was not allowed out, given extra chores and told not to worry about the essay. The next morning, at breakfast, my dad handed me eight full sheets of writing. Each sheet was covered in beautifully crafted words, many of which I had never read in any Enid Blyton book. This is what I handed to Mr Lloyd-Jones. He asked me had I written this: I said no I hadn’t. He accepted this statement without further comment. I found out much later in life that he had greatly admired the fact that, as a family, we had sorted out my problem. It is an incident which is etched into my memory and has formed a basis for my approach in education and latterly in my parenting. It is an incident that brings together three important qualities: Trust, Honesty and Respect. These are traditional values which form a skeleton on which we can build a body of parenting skills. Ms Palmano’s book helps us all, as parents, to focus on how we can assemble a positive relationship with our children based on good common-sense. It’s also pretty useful for Headmasters! Gregg Davies Headmaster Shiplake College Henley-on-Thames

Enjoy (at least try to) Enjoy (at least try to) Just as I wanted to have well-behaved, polite children I could take out without running the risk of psychological help, I didn’t want confrontations, slamming doors, arguments and having to constantly apologize for their behaviour as teenagers. I like a sense of calm in our home and I wanted them to be charming and good company, not the stereotypical teenagers that are constantly maligned and sidelined as some sort of curious species to be constantly criticized, poked fun at and a constant source of amusement and derision. And so many parents seem quite resigned to the fact that their own teenager’s opinions, sense of style, choice of friends, time-keeping and responsibilities is all part of a huge conspiratorial wind-up to test them to the limit. Well, the good news is our children’s teenage years need not be a time of endless arguments, belligerence and aggression. Your child’s transition from child to teenager should be welcomed and not dreaded as though you are about to make a pact with the devil and nurture a werewolf (although at times it may feel like that). Your children are reaching their final development stage, from that gorgeous little baby to who they are now with their own opinions and ideas. From the age of thirteen to eighteen you should delight in watching their ideas and thoughts mature. How your sixteen year old views the world, a totally different world to the one you knew at that age, is stimulating and even inspiring. Now’s the time you hear of their hopes for their future, from the thirteen year old determined to be a pop diva to the same child five years later who wants to go into medicine; this is a fantastic time. The child who has reached the start of puberty is not some sort of alien but your beautiful little baby, who you sat up with all night and happily let vomit all over you. (And yes, this may well happen again but it probably won’t be milk!) Their teenage behaviour is a barometer of how we dealt with them as children and how we deal with them now. So, always remember we only get the teenagers we deserve. These final years will fly by (apart from on a few occasions) and soon your children will be gone – either to university, travelling, or out to work – and by then they have virtually left home. My daughter is now at university and sometimes I just go and throw wet towels on her bedroom floor to make it seem more like home. So on the eve of your child’s thirteenth birthday when you kiss them goodnight, remembering what a darling child they have been and wondering what tomorrow and the next seven years will hold, don’t worry, relax, you can all enjoy it. Although admittedly some times will be more enjoyable than others!

One Turning Point One Turning Point Teenagers are half adult and half child and the needs of both must be met, regardless of the fact that they think they are fully adult and you are simply there to fill their every need, as chauffeur, bank, clothing and music sponsor. Three factors which affect teenage behaviour are puberty, the struggle for independence and their under-developed prefrontal cortex (part of their brain). Any of these on their own could cause problems but the three together makes a potent cocktail which needs to be handled with care. Throw in to the boiling cauldron peer pressure, exams and new relationships and you may start to understand why they feel frustrated, angry, moody and unreasonable.

What teenagers really need

Two Love and Attention

Three Respect

Four Support

Five Communication

Good manners and behaviour

Six Table Manners

Seven Respectful Behaviour

Teenage affairs

Eight Relationships

Nine Major Teenage Issues

Ten Minor Teenage Issues

Glossary

Final Word

Acknowledgements

Copyright

About the Publisher

From left: Francesca, Katherine, Penny and Sam