Penny Palmano - Yes, Please. Whatever! - How to get the best out of your teenagers

Accept it, teenagers have different priorities to us. They are suddenly not very organized, or good time-keepers, their room is a mess, school is boring. Two things prioritize adolescents’ minds: themselves and their friends.

‘All you ever think about is yourself!’ parents can be heard spitting at their teenagers. And to a point they’re right, but they may as well shout, ‘You’re going through adolescence!’ Teenagers do think about themselves, they do become more self-centred as they try and work out where they fit in, but messages are confusing, they live in a world that is constantly telling them to grow-up, but usually in a home where they are being treated like children. Society expects them to act in an adult way and yet nearly everything adult is illegal. They are very self-conscious of their changing shapes and voices, they feel insecure and the most important thing to them is fitting in with their friends. Above all, teenagers today need to feel they belong to a group. The group of friends they will be attracted to will be the group with the same interests in music, films, football, bands or whatever. And although they want to be individual they are very happy to conform to the code of dress or behaviour of their group of friends.

There are more pressures for this generation of teenagers than ever before: broken homes, drugs, academic achievement, alcohol and sex. And it is our generation that has inflicted this confused, pressurized attitude upon them.

With all this going on, they will naturally start to think more about themselves.

Today’s teenagers are blamed for being too materialistic and a generation of consumers, but to a point whose fault is that? When we were growing up we got presents on birthdays and at Christmas, but this generation of children seem to have something new every few weeks, whether it’s from parents who feel guilty at working long hours or who gave in too easily to their pleadings for a new DVD.

Teenagers love to experiment and cross boundaries. They want to show us that they are free of our control and in charge of their own lives. Suddenly, an adult world and everything that is associated with it, smoking, drinking, staying out late, porn movies, sex, drugs and rock ‘n’ roll are within arm’s length (just remember these were even exciting to us once).

Very few children get through their teenage years without breaking the law in some way or another, like underage drinking, fake IDs, smoking, and some even get involved in more serious crimes such as stealing or drugs. But the good news is that statistically, teenage criminal behaviour seems to peak at around 17 and then disappear by adulthood.

‘Wot?’

The bad news is, as parents you will have to live through this.

Adolescents break the law to appear grown up, to fit in with their peers, to impress their friends and, depending on your attitude, sometimes just to show you how independent and adult they are becoming, so the more you disapprove the more rebellious they may become.

They have to start making their own choices and decisions and finding out the consequences of certain actions. This is all part of finding out their identity and should be encouraged and supported, as trying to quash it will lead to huge ructions.

Have we all got such short memories that we have forgotten what we were like as teenagers? Or more to the point, are we horrified at the thought our own children will behave the way we did at that age? Now that is scary.

Depending on your age (and preference), your teenage years may have passed head-banging to Jimi Hendrix, The Doobie Brothers or the Bay City Rollers (okay, it’s true, you can’t head-bang to them). Whichever it was, I can pretty much guarantee that at some point a parent was shouting at you to ‘turn that bloody music down’, and we promised ourselves that when we had children we would never behave like that. We were all positive back then that we would always play music at decibels that left your head ringing. So what happened? We finally turned the music down, not because our parents told us to, but because it was too loud and we finally grew up. Your children will, too; the way they act and behave as adolescents is not how they will be as adults (hooray!).

So you’re probably wondering why we all have to go through five years of stress. It is often reasoned that teenagers need to argue and battle with their parents on their journey to becoming an adult. Perhaps so, but is it really necessary to make everyone’s life a total misery in the process? No.

It’s all about the struggle for control – parents have it and children want it. It’s the way we the parents deal with it that will make the difference to everyone’s behaviour and sanity.

Parents’ handling of their teens basically falls into one of five different categories. It’s not rocket science to choose which one to aim for.

Their teens’ behaviour drives parents to distraction and they resort to shouting, ordering, lecturing and saying such things as, what a disappointment they are, how bad or selfish they are, and asking what they did to deserve them.

‘Stay calm!’

Shouting at a teenager will produce one result: being shouted back at. Ordering will result in arguments, slamming doors, complete defiance and walking out. These parents are heading for a complete breakdown of communication with their adolescent. And constantly telling anyone – child, teen or adult – how bad they are will usually end up a self-fulfilling prophecy.

These are parents who never let their teens take control of any part of their lives. They resist letting them take any responsibility or suffering any consequences for their actions.

These teens grow up unable to make decisions or lead totally independent lives from their parents. If they are not allowed to learn that there are consequences for certain actions they will be incapable of accepting responsibility for their behaviour, creating complete nightmare adults.

When teens start to push away from their parents, these parents are more than happy to let them go, believing that their parenting days are over. These teenagers are left floundering with no support or guidance. They can see who they want, when they want and come and go with little to no supervision.

‘Now, darling, when you’re out tonight, I don’t want you to smoke or drink.’

Hands-off parenting can have devastating results. It doubles the risk of teens smoking, taking drugs and drinking. The lack of loving, caring, supportive parents (or parent) can lead to violence, depression, anxieties and even mental health problems.

These parents did not put enough boundaries in place when their teenagers were children and gave them everything they wanted except positive attention and discipline. They run around after them and think their only needs are chauffeuring and money, which they satisfy generously.