B. Johnson - House Mother Normal

to a fair, it was a real country fair with local

people, not one of these shady travelling affairs,

here today and gone tomorrow, it was real old-

fashioned, it reminded me of when I was a little

girl. They even had that competition for children,

bobbing they called it, where they had to find a

sixpence with their mouths in an earthenware dish

filled with flour. Their faces, how everyone

laughed at their faces! I remember going in for

that myself when I was about six, and crying at not

winning, tears running through the flour on my

cheeks, until the man who was judging it sorted

out the sixpence with his fingers and gave it

to me to make up for not winning the prize,

which was half-a-crown, I think. A lot of money.

They also had a grinning match through horse-collars,

very old-fashioned that was, you don’t

see that nowadays. It was so good to be back in

the country again, I was so glad that Ted had got

himself that job. I tried to be a good wife to

him, did special things for him to show that I

loved him, special things.

Then there were more bungalows

built, the country was creeping farther and farther

away, soon it meant getting in the car if

we really wanted to see the real countryside, we

were luckier than most in having a car at all, a

little Ford. We’d go out of a summer evening to

a country pub and have a drink, be quiet for a

change. You had to go quite a way, anyway,

for a drink, in Thundersley, as when they were building

all those bungalows they forgot to build any

pubs, or shops too for that matter, I did hear the

land had belonged to some religious people or other

in the first place, who wouldn’t allow the thought

of drink on their property, but that doesn’t

explain why there were no shops. Soon people

began converting their front rooms into shops, and

Ted and I toyed with the idea at one time, to give

me something to do, as I was free of children, but

in the end we decided against it, no need, we were

comfortably off.

Clear up? That means Ivy clear up… I thought

so. Yes, I will . Here we go again. Don’t finish

the one I’m doing, just bung it all in the box,

glue and all. Can I have yours, Ron, please?

And Mrs Bowen?

Ta muchly .

Let’s put the finished ones in this empty box ,

shall we?

Good . We’ve done a good

day’s work, our lot. What about that old cow

Ridge’s stuff? Not much here. In fact

nothing at all. Say nothing. Just collect the

glue and the paper and the scissors.

Oh! I wouldn’t touch

you with someone else’s bargepole, you dirty fat git!

You say that louder

so’s she can hear, and you’ll get the twitcher

again! Move away, quickly.

What about the dummies, what have they done?

Next to nothing. As usual What a mess ,

Mr Hedbury! As usual for him, too.

Yes, that’s it, give her the twitcher, the slobbery

cow, the twitcher!

What a mess, Mrs Stanton! Nothing. Ah well,

Ivy to clear up, as usual, as usual.

Pile them away in the cupboard, anyhow.

Ah — that’s

where the mice get in, through the wainscot there.

They must like this glue. Shall I tell her about

it? Not now. What’s she on about? Pass the what?

I just want to sit down and get on with my book and

have a nice feel.

No chance of that now.

Oh, a relief to sit down again, a relief.

Scratch it, scratch my fan, relief too.

Now then, we’re ready to

go. Sarah, then Charlie, then me.

I never win these things,

never have. Here . Don’t even talk

to that cow Ridge. The lucky cow! The

music’s stopped and she’s got first go at opening

it! Music again. Snatch it and give it to Ron. And

you! One of these days… .

Sarah’s got it. Go on, Sarah, undo it!

Not quite there.

Here it comes. Quickly to Ridge, quicker it goes the

sooner it’ll come back to me — not while she’s keeping

it though! Pass the parcel! That

shithouse again — wonder she’s allowed in a good clean

House like this. Oh — Ron’s got it undone. What’s in it, Ron?

Ha ha ha — shouldn’t laugh, really. But

can’t help it, ha ha. She said you’d get a lovely

surprise, Ron! Ha ha ha ha ha! And you have, too!

Ho ho ho!

Didn’t we used to go at it! What jousts we

had! Jousts, Ted used to call them, his prick a

great lance he’d charge me with, more like a pink

rubber truncheon it looked with its mackintosh on.

Takes a long while these days.

Longer and

longer. But we get there in the end.

Always!

On the Readicut rug in front of the gasfire, that

was a good one, a particularly memorable one.

Long, that took long, but it was extra special

good when I did come. Chintz we had on the chairs

then, chintz was all the go in Southend at that time.

And making rugs at home. I’d made that rug from a

kit, they sent you all — Exercise?

Like a prison, this is. Exercise time. I like a

good walk, a tramp over the moors. Oh well, I can

finish later, I wasn’t nearly there, anyway. Mrs

Stanton would like a push round, I’ll do her,

sacrifice myself and feel good, because she

smells the worst.

Off we go! Yes, she

does stink! How are you, Mrs S ?

No answer. I’ve never heard her speak since I

came here. CAN’T HEAR A THING, CAN YOU ,

MRS STANTON? Poor old

girl. Wonder what she was when she was young?

Didn’t prepare herself for this, obviously. I did.

When my Ted went I knew what was coming, so I

prepared myself for it. They say women live

longer than men because they never retire. Men

don’t prepare themselves for retirement, as a

rule. It’s their own funeral. Women are better,

anyway.

Push, how she’s a weight. DON’T GET ANY

LIGHTER, DO YOU, MRS STANTON?

Puffs you out.

Ivy won’t end up in a place like this, I said, Ivy

won’t.

There we were, stuck on this little railway station,

in the middle of nowhere. Oh, you could read the

name of the place well enough, there were lights

on, I’ll say that for them, but it didn’t tell

you anything that mattered. And Ted blamed me

for not looking out for the place, and I blamed

him for wanting his little bit and tiring me

out so that I fell asleep. It was a carriage

with no corridors and we had a compartment to

ourselves, it was tempting at the time, we thought

why not, we were young then. And the only train

stopping at that time of night was going in the

opposite direction, so we had the choice of

nothing, since he had to be at work at nine sharp

the next day, but sleeping on the wooden benches,

and damn me if he doesn’t want another bit there

and then, because he couldn’t sleep, he said, and

it was so funny we both burst out laughing and it

was all right again. Now she’s dropped off.

The things I remember! Push

her over there. All right, Mrs Stanton?

Yes, she’s all right.

Sport! More effort! No, I’m going to sit this

one out, she can’t make me take part if I don’t want

to, I’m going to read my book, here it — Ivy again,