Kathryn Erskine - Mockingbird

Middle school is sixth grade, I remind her . That’s next year.

Actually you only have a few months left in elementary school. Sixth grade starts in August.

She’s right. Why does everyone say next year? It’s not next year. It’s this year. I suck on my sleeve some more even though I know Mrs. Brook doesn’t like me to.

There’ll be more group projects in middle school so you’ll have to learn to Deal With That. Having friends will help.

Can’t I Deal With It by being my own group?

Mrs. Brook shakes her head. This means no.

I keep sucking my sleeve.

Caitlin. Why don’t you try clasping your hands together or putting your hands in your pockets and squeezing them into fists or one of the other things we’ve talked about instead of sucking your sleeve?

I stop sucking my sleeve but I’ll go back to it later when she forgets because I’m persistent.

She nods at kids on the playground and tells me what they’re doing and how they’re feeling but I don’t know how she can tell. I don’t even know which kids she’s talking about. They all move around too fast. When she mentions the boy in the purple hooded sweatshirt I try to keep up with him and I wish I had a purple sweatshirt like that because purple is my favorite color and I think I might like a hood and it’s fun to watch the flying purple when he runs really fast.

Caitlin!

What?

You’re far ahead of me again. We’re supposed to be keeping pace with each other so we can talk.

Oh. I thought you were done talking.

Look in my eyes while we walk and talk. That will help you keep pace.

I keep switching my eyes away to give them a break but she keeps catching me.

Finally she says, There. That’s much better.

Except that my eyes hurt and my neck is stiff. How is that better?

When the bell rings Mrs. Brook tells me I have twenty minutes of recess with the little kids and then I have to go back to my classroom like they do. If you have any trouble go see one of the teachers.

Inside?

No. There are always at least three teachers on recess duty out here.

Really? I never see any teachers outside at big kid recess.

We always have several outside but they’re kept quite busy because there are a lot of kids on the playground at the same time.

I know. Too many. It’s way too loud.

IT’S LOUD AT LITTLE KID RECESS too but I like these kids much better. They don’t hurt as much when they run into you. They’re my size or smaller. I look around and smile.

I see a little boy in a red baseball cap that reminds me of Devon’s red Potomac Nationals baseball cap. And I remember seeing that boy at the memorial service for Devon because I remember that cap. He was sitting hunched over on a pew just the way he’s sitting hunched over on a bench right now. I wonder why he’s sitting like that. There’s no teacher next to him so I don’t think he’s in trouble. He’s rubbing his eyes so he’s either sleepy or sad. I think those are the only two things it could be.

I walk closer to see if I can figure out which it is. He looks up when I’m near and I can see his reddish wet face.

Are you sad?

He nods.

Why?

He doesn’t say anything.

I look around for Josh but then remember that he’s not out at this recess. Is someone else being mean to you?

He shakes his head.

I put my hands in my pants pocket and rediscover my gummy worms. I pull one out and dangle it in front of him. Want this? Her name is Laurie.

He looks at it for a moment then takes it but doesn’t put it in his mouth.

It’s not a real worm, I tell him. It’s to eat.

He still doesn’t eat it and I’m about to ask him to give it back if he’s not going to eat it but then he says, Thank you. I don’t think I can take it back now.

He puts it in his mouth and part of it hangs out as he chews. Finally the worm disappears. I miss her, he says.

Laurie the worm?

He shakes his head. Mommy.

Oh.

He turns his head to look up at me and moves closer but doesn’t invade my Personal Space. I try to look in his eyes. When I do I’m surprised. They are like Bambi eyes. They’re simple. Like the eyes on the Facial Expressions Chart and they stay still so I can see what’s inside.

Don’t you miss your brother? he asks. The Bambi eyes do not even blink.

What do you mean?

He’s dead. Right?

How do you know?

Everyone says you’re the weirdo whose brother is dead. Oh. Sorry. I didn’t mean to say weirdo. That’s just what people say. Are you weird?

I don’t know.

He shrugs. You’re not weird to me. I think you’re nice.

Thank you, I say. I’m remembering Your Manners.

I hear someone clap. A teacher voice calls out, Okay class! Two minutes! Then we need to line up!

Thanks for the gummy worm.

Very good, I say, you remembered Your Manners.

He nods. Mommy said that’s important.

It is. You get stickers.

His lips go down a little at the ends and his head tilts like he doesn’t Get It. I don’t think that’s why.

You do get a sticker though, I tell him.

From who?

Your dad.

He doesn’t have any stickers.

I have a lot. I can bring you some.

Okay. Thanks.

You said thanks. That’s two stickers now. You’re welcome. See? I’m good at Your Manners too.

He giggles . They’re not MY manners.

I know. They’re YOUR Manners.

What? His Bambi eyes look smiley but also a little… something else… maybe confused?

Everyone has to learn Your Manners, I explain.

You’re silly! He giggles some more.

Why are you laughing?

Because they’re EVERYONE’S Manners! MY Manners are when I say please and thank you. YOUR Manners are when YOU say please and thank you.

I Look At The Person. All this time I thought I was learning YOUR Manners when really I was learning MY Manners? But then… everyone’s manners are the same.

Now you Get It!

Ohhh. Thank you. You’re very helpful. I think it’ll be easier to learn YOUR Manners — I mean MY Manners — now that I know they belong to me and I’m not trying to learn somebody else’s.

The bell rings and the boy stands up and looks at me with his Bambi eyes. A teacher voice calls out and he turns and starts walking toward it but then he turns around again. What’s your name?

CaitlinAnnSmith.

Oh. Can I just call you Caitlin?

Only if you don’t shout it. I hate when people shout my name.

He nods. Okay. My name’s Michael.

I hold my right hand up and close and open it three times.

His mouth corners go up and his cheeks get puffy and his Bambi eyes smile. He has cute little dimples and blond wavy hair that drops below his cap. He holds his left hand up and opens and closes it several times back to me.

I wonder if this means I have a friend.

MRS. JOHNSON GIVES ME BACK MY group project. It says Well Researched and Very Interesting and Excellent but at the bottom she also writes, Why are there capital letters in the middle of your sentences? Common nouns are not capitalized. Only the special words are capitalized. I look at my paragraph. I did not put capital letters in the middle of the sentences. They are only at the beginning of some words. She has put an X over the H in Heart and written a lowercase h. It doesn’t look right that way. I’m sure she’s wrong about the special words and capital letters even though she’s a teacher. How can any word be more special than Heart?