Kathryn Erskine - Mockingbird

I look a little like Scout. I looked more like Scout when I was seven and Devon cut my hair like hers except Dad said not to do that ever ever again. I didn’t mind the haircut. I would not like to wear a ham costume like Scout had to in the movie however but if I did I know Devon would take care of me like Jem did even if someone tried to stop him with a knife like the bad guy in the movie. I wonder if Devon was trying to help someone like me when the bad guy with the bullet stopped him.

The first time we watched To Kill a Mockingbird I waited through the whole movie for the dad to shoot a mockingbird. He’d already shot a dog. And he was a good shot. No one shot a bird for the whole entire movie. At the end I said it was the stupidest name ever for a movie. Devon said I didn’t know what I was talking about. This year he read it in English and he said the title makes perfect sense and this is what it means:

It’s wrong to shoot someone who is innocent and was never going to hurt you in the first place.

I still didn’t Get It and said, But you told me the dog was sick and he WAS going to hurt them.

And Devon said, It’s not about the dog! It’s about people! You shouldn’t hurt innocent people Scout. That’s what it means.

I guess the evil school shooters didn’t listen in English class because they did not Get the meaning of that book at all.

WE ARE AT RECESS AND I THINK Mrs. Brook might have Asperger’s too because she is very persistent which is one of my skills. She is stuck on her Let’s Make Friends idea even though I am making it very clear with my eyes that I am no longer interested in this conversation. All I want to talk about is Closure because even though I got to be in my hidey-hole again I still didn’t find Closure. All Mrs. Brook talks about is the many ways to make friends. I suck on my sleeve but she says that’s not one of them.

Friends give comfort to each other. Friends help solve problems. You can share so much with friends, she says in her Nice Voice.

Like gummy worms? I feel in my pocket and I have three worms.

I was thinking more like feelings.

Oh. I don’t have any of those.

Of course you do. But if you’re not interested in sharing feelings you can share some thoughts and ideas.

I think about how much people might laugh at me if I shared thoughts and ideas. Why?

These are all interpersonal skills that help you deal with people.

Interpersonal skills are not part of my skill set. Remember?

Tell me what’s in your skill set.

I can belch my ABCs.

I’m not sure girls your age would really appreciate that.

Oh. How about the boys?

More likely. Let’s hear some of your other skills though.

I sigh. Do you want to hear the whole list?

Yes.

I sigh again. It’s long.

We have time.

Fine. I tell her my list and make my head go back and forth like a ticktock of the clock.

Drawing. Tick.

Memorizing stuff. Tock.

Remembering stuff other people forget. Tick.

Looking stuff up in books and the computer. Tock.

Being helpful. Tick.

Hearing stuff that other people can’t. Tock.

Being nice. Tick.

Being honest. Tock.

Reading. Tick.

Fixing cereal the right way. Tock.

Seeing stuff that other people don’t see. Tick.

Loading the dishwasher. Tock.

Being persistent. I Look At The Person . Like I want Closure NOT friends. Tick.

Mrs. Brook is all excited about my list and tells me how to share my skills with other people. I don’t really listen because she didn’t listen to my hint about Closure.

After a while I hear her voice again. Caitlin. Let’s observe the interpersonal skills that are going on around us right now.

How?

See those two girls over there by the swings?

I squint where she’s pointing.

One of them is comforting the other who must be sad or hurt.

Which is which?

Mrs. Brook’s head does its turtle jerk. The girl in the red jacket has her arm around the girl in jeans. Right?

Yes.

So she’s comforting the girl in the jeans.

Oh. How can she tell that so fast and easily? It must be why she’s a counselor.

We watch some other interpersonal skills on the playground. One boy kicks a stone. Mrs. Brook says he is angry because obviously he wanted to tag everyone out but didn’t. I don’t think it’s obvious at all. I think it’s dangerous to kick a stone though. Mrs. Brook says it’s okay to do it just once and look how quickly he rejoined the game isn’t that nice?

She makes me start guessing what people are thinking which is a stupid game because how am I supposed to know what’s going on inside their heads?

She points to some girls who are standing in a circle talking and giggling LOUD. They are bent. What do you think they’re feeling?

Like throwing up?

She Looks At The Person.

Well they’re bending over so much it looks like they’re going to throw up.

Do you usually laugh a lot just before you throw up?

No. I don’t. But who knows about them?

Do you really think that’s what they’re about to do?

I have no idea. I’m not them.

But if you put yourself in their shoes you can feel what they’re feeling.

I look at their shoes.

It’s an expression, she says. What we’re working on Caitlin is empathy.

Is that like emotion?

Sort of.

No thank you. I’m not good with emotion.

All you need to do is imagine how other people are feeling.

Why?

Then you know how to communicate with them.

What if I don’t want to? Or can’t.

Listen Caitlin. This is important. If they’re happy you can be happy with them. If someone is very sad you should be quiet with them and maybe try to cheer them up a little bit but not start out all loud and happy because that doesn’t match their emotion.

You’re not matching my emotion right now.

Oh? What emotion are you feeling right now?

Kind of annoyed. And bored.

She is quiet for a moment. That’s more of an attitude than an emotion. Underneath the attitude how are you feeling?

Okay I guess.

Happy?

I don’t know. Maybe confused.

She nods. This is difficult. Understanding people and finding friends isn’t easy for anyone.

It’s harder for me.

Yes it is.

Isn’t there an easier way to make friends?

You can look for children who are by themselves and might like a friend to play with.

I shake my head. There aren’t any people by themselves. They all have friends.

They might like to have another friend. And I bet they don’t all have friends. Haven’t you ever seen someone standing alone?

I shrug. Just one.

Why don’t you talk to that child?

Because it’s me and Devon told me I shouldn’t talk to myself. Not in public anyway.

I think you’re just not seeing them. You have to look at people very carefully.

I’m not good at that.

You need to practice.