Kathryn Erskine - Mockingbird

I’M BACK IN DEVON’S ROOM staring up at SCOUT carved into the wood and seeing my special name makes me feel good. Devon said his favorite part in To Kill a Mockingbird is where Scout talks to the crowd of angry men and makes them go away. All she says is hi and that she knows their kids from school. Then all the angry men leave. I don’t Get It. But Devon says that’s exactly what I’m like because I say stuff that’s obvious and people go, Oh, and it makes them think. He says I can solve a lot of problems just by being like Scout. Except I haven’t found Closure. I wonder if I’m more like Scout will I be able to find Closure? Dad said no about the Scout haircut but maybe I could dress like Scout. I suck on my sleeve and wonder if I could wear Scout overalls like Michael. I wonder what Devon would say about Scout overalls?

After a while I decide to get my Dictionary even though I’ve looked up Closure thirty-seven times and it still doesn’t help. I crawl out of my hidey-hole to go to my room and I see the woodworking books on the floor and read them instead. I see new words that sound cool like dado and kerf and tenon and mortise. I finish the three woodworking books which are pretty short and the Scout manual. I look under Devon’s comforter that’s on the floor to see if there are any other books. There aren’t. But there’s a piece of spiral notebook paper with Devon’s handwriting.

It says EAGLE SCOUT PROJECT on top.

Underneath it says, Mission-style chest with two shelves and one door.

Then there’s a list:

Quarter-cut oak

Circular saw or table saw

Plane

Router

Saber saw

Drill

Bar clamps or pipe clamps

Woodworker’s glue

Sander

Wood screws

Hinges

Tack cloth

Wipe-on polyurethane varnish

Protective eyeglasses and ear protection

And at the very bottom it says this:

Practice teaching woodworking steps to Scout. Once

she gets it, set up meeting to teach troop.

I stare at the paper. He was going to teach me woodworking. And I realize that he taught me everything I know and now I may never Get anything ever again because he’s not here to teach me.

I don’t feel good in this room anymore so I go get my purple fleece and wrap it around me and go to the living room. I get partly under the sofa cushion but leave an opening so I can stare out at Devon’s chest.

Dad sits down on the floor next to me. I can see his work pants and boots. Are you okay?

I stare at the chest.

He sighs. His hands drop onto his legs and he sighs again. Listen. Caitlin. It’ll be your birthday before long. What would you like to do?

Last year Devon took me to the mall. Limited Too. He said I need to wear clothes that don’t make me look weird. He told me which clothes they were. I didn’t like the first seventeen tops he picked.

The first one was pink. Pink is the color of medicine and feels drippy and sicky.

The second one had a tag that itched.

The third one felt like carnivorous dinosaur skin and I would be eaten alive.

The fourth one had a stripe at an angle and was evil.

It’s not evil, Devon said.

It’s evil, evil, evil! I said, and I screamed until he put his hand over my mouth and I bit his finger hard and he tried to get his finger out of my mouth but I wouldn’t let him until I saw the tears coming out of his eyes. He crumpled on the floor holding his finger tight and his face went red and I realized for the first time that Devon feels pain.

And now I wonder if he felt pain on The Day Our Life Fell Apart?

I feel a cold hand on my arm and I flinch. It’s Dad. Caitlin. What do you want to do for your birthday?

I whisper that I want Devon to take me to the mall.

Dad moves around so his head is peeking in at me. What?

I want Devon to take me shopping like he did last year.

Dad puts his head down so his chin touches his chest. He says nothing for a while. Then he looks up. He can’t.

But it’s MY birthday and that’s what I want.

He sighs and explains that Devon is no longer with us and is in Heaven with my mother and the two of them are looking down on us and will always love us.

I know that. Why is he explaining it all? Is he reminding himself?

When he finally finishes I say, I still want him to take me.

Dad shakes his head and he stares at the carpet but his eyes are watery. Maybe he’s stuffed-animaling. Finally he says he will get dinner started. This means the conversation is over.

I push my head farther under the sofa cushion but it doesn’t swallow me up like I want it to.

I’M DOING MUCH BETTER AT keeping pace with Mrs. Brook at recess. She says I don’t look like I’m marching in step anymore so it’s much more natural AND she says that shows a lot of finesse. I smile until she says the next thing.

Your dad is worried that you might not understand that Devon… isn’t alive. He tells me you say, Devon says this or Devon does that, as if he’s still alive.

I do say that but it doesn’t mean I think he’s still alive. He was alive when he said those things though.

Your dad said you want Devon to take you shopping.

I do.

But Devon can’t take you shopping. Do you understand that?

Yes. But he asked what I want. That’s what I want. I know I can’t have it.

I see. When you’re talking with your dad about Devon you might want to make it clear that you understand he’s now gone.

Will that make Dad happy?

I think so. Yes.

Fine. I’ll try.

Mrs. Brook smiles. You know what? You’re starting to show empathy.

I am?

You feel for your dad. You know he’s hurting and you want to make him happy. That’s wonderful.

I nod even though I’m not sure I completely understand.

She starts talking about friends again but I stop her.

I already made one, I tell her . In fact I have seven little dwarf friends.

She tilts her head. Then she shakes it. I’m talking about real people Caitlin.

Me too. They’re first graders. I think. At least Michael is.

She does her turtle neck jerk. Michael Schneider?

I don’t know. Does he wear a red Potomac Nationals baseball cap?

He often does. Caitlin. Do you remember the name of the teacher who was killed at the middle school?

Of course. It was Mrs. Roberta L. Schneider. And then I think about Michael’s last name. Oh. Are they related?

Mrs. Brook nods. Michael’s mother.

I knew his mother was dead but I didn’t know she was shot like Devon. Is that why he was at the memorial service?

Yes. I think all of us were at the memorial service. We’re a small enough town that we’re like one big family. But… still… how odd for you two to find each other.

It’s not odd, I say. I’m at little kid recess now. Remember? And he was crying the first time I saw him so I was being nice to him. And he knew about Devon. He said I was the weirdo whose —

The what? Mrs. Brook jerks her neck again.

He didn’t really mean weirdo. He said he was sorry. He’s nice. And so am I. So it’s not odd for us to be friends.

She smiles. You’re right. I think you and Michael have a very important friendship.