Kathryn Erskine - Mockingbird

I see Josh pushing people off of the monkey bars again. He used to be in my class before he got put in the other fifth-grade room because Mrs. Brook says it’s better that way. I think so too. Josh used to be just loud but now he’s loud and evil. Dad says it’s because Josh’s cousin was one of the school shooters at Devon’s school. The one the police caught right away. And killed. But not before he shot Devon.

Now my heart is pounding loud and I want to moan but Devon says you can’t moan or scream or shake your hands up and down or rock or get under a table or spin around over and over in public. Actually you can’t do most things over and over in public because that’s not normal unless it’s something like clapping or laughing but you have to do it only at the right times and places and Devon always tells me. Now I don’t know anymore.

My eyes feel hot and itchy and everything is blurry so I remember an okay thing I can do which is to blur colors and shapes so they change into fuzzy and warm instead of sharp and cold. I call it stuffed-animaling. If you take the monkey bars and the people and blur them together they get soft and fluffy and kind just like a stuffed animal. And you can forget about where you are and pretend you’re somewhere else like under your bed with your stuffed animals.

I’m stuffed-animaling the playground so well that after a while there’s only monkey bars left and one shape that’s coming toward me so I stop blurring and suck my sleeve more. Blurring is good for the things you don’t want to see but it doesn’t work so well for the stuff you actually have to Deal With.

Josh is walking toward me and he’s smiling even though he runs into William H.’s Personal Space and knocks him down. You shouldn’t walk into someone else’s Personal Space. Especially not William H.’s. William H. is autistic. He’s in the other fifth-grade class. He has Mrs. Brook time too but Mrs. Brook says it’s good for everyone to be in a regular class. But he screams a lot so I’m glad he’s not in my class except for recess and PE. Now he’s screaming LOUD and the lady who helps him tries to get him up but William H. is kicking too much.

Josh has a big grinny smile on his face. You shouldn’t smile when you do something bad because a smile is supposed to mean you’re being nice. I wish people would follow the Facial Expressions Chart like they’re supposed to.

The lady who helps William H. talks to Josh. Her hands are on her hips and her head is moving up and down and she keeps leaning forward and back again. I think this means she’s mad. Sometimes it means The Chicken Dance but I don’t think that’s what she’s doing right now. Finally she walks away and Josh shrugs. This means he doesn’t Get It. I decide to be helpful because that’s something I’m good at so I go over to Josh.

Ew! he yells . You’re like a dog! Slobbering all over your sleeve!

I stop sucking my sleeve even though I don’t know why he says Ew. I like dogs. Dogs sit next to you and put their chin on your lap. Dogs are sweet and kind. I’m happy if people think I’m a dog.

What do you want? Freak! Josh says, and I remember why I’m there.

You shouldn’t get in someone’s Personal Space.

What’s it to you?

I don’t know what that means so I say again, You shouldn’t get in someone’s Personal Space.

He puts his hands on his hips and his nose wrinkles up. What of it?

He must mean, What IS it. Personal Space is this. I step right in front of him — I even step on his toes — to show him where his Personal Space is.

Get off me you freak! he yells.

You need to remember Your Manners, I tell him. You should say, Excuse me please but you’re in My Personal Space.

His head leans forward and his mouth drops open.

I think this means confused so I tell him again. Listen carefully. This is what you say. Excuse me please but —

Get out of here!

I shake my head. No. That’s not the polite way to say it. You say, Excuse me —

Why are you bugging me? he shouts.

I’m not. I’m teaching you how to say Excuse me.

I’m not going to say it!

Okay. You can say, Sorry.

I don’t have to! I didn’t do anything wrong!

I Look At The Person. Yes. You. Did. I say it slowly so maybe he’ll understand.

Josh’s face is red and he’s breathing hard all of a sudden like he has been running even though he hasn’t been. Is this about your brother?

Why is he talking about Devon? This conversation is about William H.

I don’t have to apologize for that! That wasn’t me! Okay? That was my cousin! I didn’t do anything!

Your cousin is dead. Remember? YOU are the one who did something wrong, I say, because I SAW him push William H. out of his Personal Space.

I can’t help it that your brother was shot!

I don’t know why he’s yelling at me.

It’s not my fault!

I hate shouting. I’m starting to shake.

They tried to save him at the hospital! Josh yells.

I’m shaking my head now because I want him to stop.

But he doesn’t . His Heart was hanging out and they couldn’t close his chest up —

Shut up Josh! It’s Emma from my class. There are a bunch of kids behind her.

I’m just —

Stop it! Why are you talking about this?

I suck my sleeve but I can’t help moaning even though I’m not supposed to.

She brought it up! Josh says. She’s accusing me!

Well she’s upset!

Yeah, a boy says as he gives Josh a shove.

Josh practically falls into me so I step away and Josh lands on the ground. Some people laugh.

Josh stares up at me with slitty eyes. It’s not my fault her brother is DEAD!

NOOOO! I hear a scream and only when I try to run far FAR away from it but it keeps following me do I realize that it’s me.

I FIND THIRTY-TWO BOOKS IN the library about how the Heart works. Dad talks with the librarian and says it’s okay for me to use his card too so I can check out a lot of books. Some of them are kids’ books and some are adult books but I can read anything because my reading score is so high they can’t even rate it. When I was in kindergarten I was above eighth-grade level and that was as far as you could get in kindergarten. Now I’m in fifth grade which is why I can read anything Dad can.

Sometimes I read the same books over and over and over. What’s great about books is that the stuff inside doesn’t change. People say you can’t judge a book by its cover but that’s not true because it says right on the cover what’s inside. And no matter how many times you read that book the words and pictures don’t change. You can open and close books a million times and they stay the same. They look the same. They say the same words. The charts and pictures are the same colors.

Books are not like people. Books are safe.

The librarian won’t let you take the Physicians’ Desk Reference home even if you hide it in the middle of thirty-two books. She says you have to leave it in the reference section so others might enjoy it. I don’t think I should have to leave it in the reference section just so others might enjoy. I know I will enjoy it. But she says that is not the point. She never does tell me what the point is but Devon says sometimes you just have to do what a teacher or librarian says even if you think it’s stupid. Also he says you shouldn’t tell them out loud that you think it’s stupid. That’s a secret that stays in your head only.