Kathryn Erskine: Mockingbird

Emma?

Yes. She’s very outgoing.

I don’t like very outgoing. Or efFUSive. Or EXtroverted. Or greGARious. Or any of those words that mean their loudness fills up my ears and hurts and their face and waving arms invade my Personal Space and their constant talking sucks all the air out of the room until I think I’m going to choke.

It’s easier to talk with people who are outgoing. Just think about it.

This is what I’m thinking: Mrs. Brook does not Get It.

You’re a very special person Caitlin. I think you’ll be a wonderful friend.

Okay maybe she does Get It. I’m the one who doesn’t. She lets me look up friend in her Dictionary. It says: somebody emotionally close.

There’s that evil word again. Emotionally. That is not one of my strengths.

But you can develop that strength.

I look away and suck on my sleeve. I’m not ready to develop that strength just yet.

Mrs. Brook seems to Get It. She sighs and says she’ll talk with Mrs. Johnson and maybe this time I can be my own group because there’s a lot going on in my life right now but soon I’ll have to join the group.

I don’t like the word soon because you don’t know when it’s going to sneak up on you and turn into NOW. Or maybe it’ll be the kind of soon that never happens. Like when I asked Dad and Devon when the chest would be finished. They said soon.

I’M DOING MY GROUP PROJECT on the Heart and how it works and how a gunshot wound to the Heart makes it stop working and what they do with the body when it’s dead which is cremate it. At least that’s what happened to Devon.

When I finish my last drawing I go to the sofa where Dad is sitting and show it to him. He reads it and his head droops almost to his knees. The bump on his throat goes in and out every time he swallows. He sniffs several times which means at least three times and actually he sniffs five times before I say, What’s wrong with it?

Nothing, he says. It’s — it’s very well done. I… need to go take a shower. You can pick out a video and watch it.

Yay! And I don’t even have all the stickers I need for a video! I run over to the shelf with the videos and stop. Why are you taking a shower at night? You always take a shower in the morning .

He is already out of the living room. I’m a little sore … and I don’t hear what he says after that except he must be really sore because I hear him crying even before the shower turns on.

I don’t want to hear the crying so I focus on my favorite videos. I don’t like the ones the other girls at school like with loud music and girls who giggle and dance. I like cartoons. I pick up Cinderella but it’s kind of a stupid story. Not because she lost a shoe. I lose shoes all the time. But if you know where you lost your shoe why don’t you go back and get it? And if you don’t know Devon always says go back to the last place you remember having it and start looking there. Cinderella should go back to the dance. Snow White is okay because of the dwarves and Pocahontas is good because of the animals but Devon says the music is crying music and Dad is already crying so I don’t want that.

I pull out Bambi and look at it. Bambi reminds me how smart I am. Sometimes I’m smarter than Devon even though he is three years and one month and sixteen days older than me. Even when I was five years old and we watched Bambi. At the beginning the mother deer dies in the fire. You don’t see her die because it’s a cartoon but you see the flames and she never comes back so she is definitely dead. Devon kept saying, She can’t be dead! She can’t be dead, and I said, She’s DEAD Devon! He started crying and saying, She’s coming back! She has to come back, so I had to yell at him, SHE’S DEAD AND SHE’S NEVER COMING BACK, and Dad had to come and take Devon out of the room because like Dad said, You shouldn’t say things like that!

I don’t know why Devon couldn’t Get It that the mother was dead. Our mother died two years before we watched Bambi so he should’ve known that mothers die and that they don’t ever come back again no matter how much you cry or call for them.

I look over at Devon’s chest. The air from the heat pump is making the sheet lift up just a bit. Then it stops dead. I look back at the Bambi video and put it back on the shelf because it’s giving me a recess feeling in my stomach and I don’t know why.

WHEN I GO TO MRS. BROOK TIME she says to go get my coat because we’re switching our schedule.

Today?

She nods. And for the rest of the year. She shuts her door and her shoes start squeaking across the floor toward the coat hooks outside my classroom.

Why? I don’t like switching things. It’s always recess first — yuck — then Mrs. Brook time. Her shoes keep squeaking down the hall so I have to walk-run to catch up with her because there’s No Running In The Halls. What’s the schedule going to be now?

We’re going to have our time together while we walk around the playground during your regular recess. Then you can stay outside and have recess with the kindergarten through second graders.

I Look At The Person. Two recesses? I don’t even like one recess.

But the little kids are very sweet and I’ll be with you for recess with the older kids because sometimes they can be… She presses her lips together. I think it’s a mad face. A little rough.

I think about Josh. And I wonder why a grown-up wants to go to recess at all. Okay. But don’t even try getting on the monkey bars. It’s too dangerous.

Mrs. Brook smiles. I promise you I’ll avoid the monkey bars.

I take my jacket from the hook and put it on as Mrs. Brook pushes the bar on the door to the playground and it clanks open. The brightness outside hurts my eyes and the wind makes them water and the screaming on the playground stabs my ears. I suck my sleeve and walk fast to try to get away from it even though it follows me everywhere.

Caitlin! What are you doing so far ahead of me?

I’m walking. And you’re slow.

Usually when two people go for a walk together, Mrs. Brook says, they actually walk together.

Oh, I say, and keep walking.

Caitlin! Walk back to me. Please.

So I walk backward to her and stop. Now what?

Let’s walk next to each other. That’s what going for a walk together means. She puts her right foot out first then her left.

I do the exact same thing.

You don’t need to stare at my feet, she says. And you don’t need to match my exact stride or use your left foot when I use mine.

Then how is that walking together ? I ask.

We’re going to keep pace with each other because we’re talking to each other while we walk. Sometimes we’ll make eye contact too. That lets the other person know that we’re listening and interested.

What if we’re not interested?

She Looks At The Person and she opens her eyes wide and she speaks slowly. We’re going to act like we’re interested. Okay? We’ll use this time to observe people and maybe talk to them. We really need to work hard on making friends.

Why? I ask . Don’t you have any? Recess isn’t the best place to make friends.

I want to work on friendships for YOU. You’ll be going to the middle school soon and I want you to have some friends there.