Джеффри Арчер - And Thereby Hangs a Tale

‘Ah, you must be referring to Diana,’ he said as the young lady disappeared.

‘An appropriate name for a goddess,’ said Robin. ‘And how enlightened of you to allow women members.’

‘Certainly not,’ said Nigel, grinning. ‘She’s Lord Trent’s secretary.’ He took a sip of his drink before adding, ‘But I think she’s attending the dinner tomorrow night, so you’ll have a chance to meet your goddess.’

When Robin returned to the hotel later that evening, only one other member of the team felt able to join him for dinner. Robin wondered whether the rest would have recovered sufficiently to be standing on the first tee by ten o’clock the following morning. Though in truth, he was already thinking more about tomorrow evening.

Southend somehow managed a full turnout by the time the chief steward asked the two captains to tee up at the first hole.

As the visiting captain, Robin struck the first ball. Five hours later the score board showed that the Royal Jersey had beaten Southend Golf Club by four and a half matches to three and a half. Not a bad result, Robin considered, given the circumstances, but then he’d never played a better round in his life, which may have been because Diana seemed to be following Nigel around the course. Another home advantage.

After a few drinks in the clubhouse, with no sign of Diana, the Southend team returned to their hotel to change for dinner. Robin was the first one waiting in the foyer. Nervously he touched his bow tie after he’d checked with the receptionist that three taxis had been ordered for seven o’clock.

Robin didn’t speak on the journey back to the Royal Jersey, and when he led his team into the dining room, Nigel was waiting to greet him. Diana was standing by his side. Lucky man, thought Robin.

‘Good to see you again, old fellow,’ Nigel said, and turning to Diana, he added, ‘I don’t believe you’ve met my sister.’

‘You’re going to do what?’ said his father.

‘I’m going to move to Jersey, where I intend to open a branch of Chapman’s Cleaning Services.’

‘But I always thought you planned to open a second branch in Southend, while I took over the main shop,’ said Malcolm, sounding equally bemused by his brother’s news.

‘You’ll still be taking over the main shop, Malcolm, while I open our first overseas branch.’

Robin’s father seemed to be momentarily struck dumb, so his mother took advantage of this rare occurrence. ‘What’s the real reason you want to go back to Jersey?’ she asked, looking her son in the eye.

‘I’ve found the finest golf course on earth, Mother, and if they’ll have me, I intend to become a member and play on it for the rest of my life.’

‘No,’ said his mother quietly, ‘I asked for the real reason.’ The rest of the family remained silent as they waited for Robin’s reply.

‘I’ve found the most beautiful woman on earth, and if she’ll have me, I’d like her to become my wife.’

Robin boarded the boat back to Jersey the following Friday, despite having failed to answer his mother’s third question: ‘Has this young lady agreed to be your wife?’

The only thing Diana had agreed to was to join him on the dance floor for a quickstep, but during those three minutes Robin knew he wanted to hold on to this woman for the rest of his life. ‘I’ll be coming back next weekend,’ he told her.

‘But the team are playing away at Wentworth next Saturday,’ she remarked innocently.

Robin was surprised to find Diana standing on the quayside when the ferry sailed into the harbour the following Saturday. Whom had she come to meet, he wondered, and only hoped it wasn’t another man.

When he stepped off the gangway, Diana gave him the same warm smile that had remained in his mind for the past week.

‘I wasn’t sure you believed me when I said I’d be coming back,’ he said shyly as they shook hands.

‘I wasn’t sure you would,’ admitted Diana, ‘but then I thought, if the poor man is willing to give up a weekend’s golf just to spend some time with me, the least I can do is meet him off the boat.’

Robin smiled at the thought that he couldn’t even remember who Southend were playing that day, and took Diana’s hand as they walked along the causeway.

If you had asked him how they spent the weekend, all he could remember was reluctantly climbing back on the ferry on Sunday evening, after kissing her for the first time.

‘See you same time next Saturday, Diana,’ he shouted down as he leaned over the railings, but the boat’s foghorn drowned his words.

Diana was standing on the quayside the following Saturday, and every Saturday until Robin stopped taking the ferry back to Weymouth.

During the week, Robin would book a trunk call so they could speak to each other every evening. Diana spent her spare time looking at properties in St Helier that might meet his requirements. She finally found a shop on the high street whose lease was about to expire, with a hotel across the road that needed to change its bed linen and towels every day, and several restaurants that believed in spotless napkins and fresh tablecloths. Robin agreed that it was the ideal location to open a branch of Chapman’s Cleaning Services.

The following Saturday he signed a three-year renewable lease, and immediately moved into the flat above the shop. If he hadn’t won Diana’s hand by the end of the lease, and also become a member of the Royal Jersey Golf Club, he would have to admit defeat, return to the mainland and open a second branch of Chapman’s in Southend.

Although he was confident that, given time, both challenges would be surmounted, becoming a member of the RJGC turned out to be a far more difficult proposition than getting Diana to agree to be his wife.

It didn’t take long for Robin to qualify as a playing member of the Royal Jersey, and he was delighted when Nigel invited him to represent the club in the hotly contested local derby against Guernsey. Robin won his match, and proposed to Diana that night.

‘What if you hadn’t been picked for the team?’ she asked, unable to take her eyes off the small, sparkling diamond on the third finger of her left hand.

‘I’d have whisked you off to England and sunk the Weymouth ferry,’ said Robin without hesitation.

Diana laughed. ‘So, what are my champion’s plans for conquering the old guard who make up the committee of the Royal Jersey?’

‘They’ve granted me an interview next month,’ he told her, ‘so we’ll soon find out if we’re going to spend the rest of our lives in St Helier or Southend-on-Sea.’

‘Don’t forget that only one in three people who apply for full membership even get on to the waiting list,’ Diana reminded him.

Robin smiled. ‘Possibly so, but with Lord Trent as my proposer, and your brother as my seconder, I must have a better than one-in-three chance.’

‘So that’s why you asked me to marry you,’ Diana said, still staring at her ring.

When the appointed hour came for Robin to appear before the committee, he admitted to Diana that he had never been so nervous, even though everyone seated on the other side of the table seemed to smile whenever he answered their undemanding questions, and nods of approval greeted the Englishman’s detailed knowledge of the life of Harry Vardon.

Ten days later, Robin received a letter from the club secretary to say that his application had been successful and his name would be placed on the waiting list.

‘The waiting list?’ said Robin in frustration. ‘How long do they expect me to hang about before I become a member?’

‘My brother warned me,’ said Diana, ‘that if you weren’t born on the island, it usually takes ten to fifteen years.’