Cecelia Ahern - How to Fall in Love

I heard footsteps behind me and my heart pounded. It was them, coming to tell me they’d found him. Possibly to arrest me – could they do that? Hadn’t my failure aided and abetted him? I stared straight ahead, the lake dark and still, but cold, my breathing ragged in the silence. There was a break in the clouds and I looked up at the light and I had a sudden optimistic thought. The footsteps were slow, there was nothing panicked about them, nothing even threatening. They stopped behind me and then continued around the boathouse until Adam appeared beside me.

He sat down next to me. I held up a hand to stop him from coming any closer. I bit my lip to ward off a fresh bout of crying and, sensing I’d be unsuccessful, I turned my face away from him.

Adam cleared his throat but was quiet for a while longer. It was the right thing to do; sitting together, being in each other’s company, was itself warming the chilly air between us.

‘I’m sorry,’ he said, and even after he’d taken so long to say it, it still felt sudden.

I didn’t reply. I knew that I should but I didn’t forgive him.

‘Where did you go?’

‘To let off some steam. Scared off a couple of hares and made a deer shit itself.’

I couldn’t help it. A small giggle escaped.

‘That’s better,’ he said, gentler. ‘I hate seeing you cry.’ He reached out and wiped a stray tear from my cheek. I closed my eyes and another one fell.

‘Hey,’ he said, sliding across the bench and putting his arm around me.

I decided not to speak, unable to control the lump in my throat. Instead I rested my head on his shoulder. He kissed the top of my head.

‘I’m never myself when I’m here,’ he said. ‘I turn into this messy, angry … well you know.’

He left a silence. I didn’t fill it. I was going to listen, not help him out.

‘And you promised me you wouldn’t tell anyone. That made me angry.’

‘Tell anyone what?’ I looked up at him.

‘About you know, last Sunday.’

‘I didn’t tell anyone.’

He looked at me. ‘Christine, don’t lie, please don’t lie. Not you. The rest of the world can lie to me, but not you.’

‘I’m not,’ I moved away from him. ‘I wouldn’t lie to you.’ And as if to prove it, I said immediately, ‘I told Maureen to tell Maria not to come to the funeral, I thought it would be best if she didn’t see you like this.’

He tried to read my face. ‘But that’s not what I’m talking about.’

‘I know. But it’s the only thing I haven’t told you. Plus the thing I’m about to tell you. But apart from those things I’ve kept my word. I would never tell anyone about how we met.’

‘What are you about to tell me?’ he frowned.

‘I’ll tell you after.’

‘Tell me now.’

‘Adam, who do you think I told?’

‘Maureen,’ he said, getting tense.

‘I didn’t tell her.’

‘She locked me in the room.’

I winced. ‘She panicked. I told her to keep an eye on you. That you were having personal problems, that—’

‘Jesus Christine,’ he didn’t shout as loud as last time, I didn’t think I’d ever hear that volume from anyone ever again, but the venom was there.

‘That’s not telling her, Adam.’

‘It’s telling her that there’s something wrong.’

It was my turn to explode. ‘Do you think there’s a person who knows you who doesn’t realise there’s something wrong? Seriously, Adam, think about it. Do you honestly suppose nobody notices? That nobody cares? I had to go out and I was afraid to leave you. Maureen said she’d keep an eye on you. I didn’t think she’d lock you up!’

Saying it sounded funny and even though I was angry, I smiled.

‘It’s not funny,’ he said, surprised.

‘I know it’s not,’ I agreed, the corners of my lips still twitching. ‘Well, it is, a little.’ Then my smile got bigger and wouldn’t go away.

‘I’m glad you think so,’ he muttered, and looked away.

I waited for my nervous giggle to disappear.

‘What’s the thing you were going to tell me?’

‘I went to see Mary today.’

‘Mary Keegan?’

I nodded. ‘I had a proposal for her. From you. Everyone’s in agreement she’s your dad’s right-hand man, yes?’

He agreed.

‘I wondered if it would work if you were chairman of the board, still in full control of the company – which meets the wishes of your grandfather legally – but Mary stepped in as managing director. That way she could run it while you maintain control by signing off on whatever it is that needs to be signed off. Then you could talk to your boss about getting your job back at the coast guard. You can be on boards and have other jobs at the same time, can’t you? I’m sure he’d be understanding.’

‘So I’d be on the board of Basil’s and keep my job.’

‘Like Batman.’

He thought about it.

‘Hey, don’t go overboard with happiness.’ I studied him, intrigued. I had solved his problems and yet there was still the battle there. He was wrestling with some inner turmoil. ‘You agree it solves the problem?’

‘Yeah, absolutely, thank you,’ he said, distracted.

Usually, the more you keep pushing in the same direction and to no avail, the more it proves you’re doing the wrong thing. I started to think perhaps I was pushing in the wrong direction. I’d spent a week trying to think how Adam could get away from the job he said he loathed but the solution still didn’t fit.

‘Let’s play a game,’ I butted into his thoughts.

‘You and your games,’ he groaned.

‘What do you do when you’re on your own and no one’s looking? And don’t be disgusting,’ I said quickly, sensing by his look where he was going.

‘Well then, nothing,’ he said.

I laughed, happy he was back. ‘I mean, do you talk to yourself? Sing in the shower? What?’

‘Where is this going?’

‘Just answer.’

‘Will this save my life?’

‘It will absolutely save your life.’

‘Fine. Yes, I sing in the shower, that’s it.’

And I knew he was lying. I cleared my throat. ‘For example, when I’m bored, in a waiting room or whatever, I pick a colour and I try to find the number of things in the room with that colour and then I pick another colour and find a number of things in the room with that colour, and whichever colour has the most items in the room wins.’

He twisted around to face me. ‘Why the hell would you do that?’

‘Who knows?’ I laughed. ‘People think weird things all the time but never admit it. I also have a thing where I run my tongue along my teeth and I have to count each tooth as I do it. In car journeys, listening to people talk, you know?’

He gave me a weird look.

‘Or I try to come up with ideas for my book.’

He looked interested. ‘What book?’

‘The book that I’ve always wanted to write. The book I shall some day write.’ I got embarrassed and pulled my legs up, tucked them under my chin. ‘Or I probably won’t. It’s just a silly dream I have.’

‘That’s not silly. You should do it. What would you write? Erotic fiction?’

I laughed. ‘Like your friend, Irma? No … a self-help book. I don’t know what exactly to write it about though.’

‘You should do it,’ he said encouragingly. ‘You’d be great at it.’

I smiled, my cheeks pink, appreciating the encouragement I never got from Barry, and immediately I knew that I’d try it.

‘I like to rhyme things,’ he said suddenly.

‘A-ha, do tell.’ I turned my body to face him.

‘Not small words,’ he said shyly. ‘I can’t believe I’m telling you this. Maria doesn’t even know this.’