Kwan Kevin - Sex and Vanity

“I was nineteen. It was my intention to piss off my mother,” Cornelia answered.

They both broke out in laughter.

Freddie came rushing up, looking a little disheveled. “Lucie, can I steal you for a moment?”

“Can you give me a sec? Cornelia and I were just chatting—”

“Actually, I really need you now,” Freddie said through gritted teeth.

“Everything okay?” Cornelia asked.

“Perfect!” Freddie flashed her his megawatt smile as he rushed off with Lucie.

“What’s the deal?” Lucie asked, suddenly alarmed.

Freddie took her into the kitchen, where several of the kitchen staff appeared to be hugging Cornelia’s humongous dogs.

“The animals somehow got into the kitchen, and now half the Wagyu beef sliders we were going to serve the guests have disappeared.”

“Oh, shit!” Lucie exclaimed as she burst into giggles.

“Stop laughing! I need your help getting these beasts to the smaller riding ring. Mom and Charlotte have already taken the Westie, the Chihuahua, and the duck.”

Lucie gamely helped to wrangle the big dogs, and when they had been safely ensconced in their plush indoor riding ring, she went to the ladies’ powder room in the main house to tidy up. As she stood in front of the large mirror over the sink, trying to brush off what seemed like a million dog hairs from her party dress, a tall patrician lady in her seventies entered the powder room.

“Hello, Lucie,” the lady greeted her warmly.

Lucie looked up, surprised to see her neighbor from 999 Fifth Avenue. “Hi, Ms. Ferrer.”

“My god, what have you been doing, wrestling a polar bear?”

“Actually, he was a Great Pyrenees.”

“Here, let me help you. Don’t use your hands—one of these dry towels would be far better,” Ms. Ferrer said, as she expertly began brushing off the fur caught on Lucie’s ruffles.

“Oh, wow. How did you know that would work?”

“I was a photo editor at Life magazine for more than a decade, my dear. We had to deal with every conceivable issue on our shoots.”

“It’s so nice of you to come to Mom’s fund-raiser. I didn’t realize Mom even told anyone in the building about her event.”

“She didn’t. It was Mrs. Zao who did such a good job of convincing me to come out for the gala.”

“Rosemary’s here tonight?” Lucie said, quietly alarmed.

“I haven’t seen her yet, but I assume she’s coming.”

“How is her application to live in the building coming along?” Lucie knew she shouldn’t be asking, but she couldn’t help herself.

“Oh, I can’t talk about that. These applications are strictly confidential.”

“Sorry.”

Ms. Ferrer leaned in. “But I will tell you— entre nous —your mother really surprised us.”

“How so?” Lucie asked, getting a bit nervous.

“She submitted a grossly inappropriate recommendation letter.”

“Really?” Lucie felt a sudden pang of fear.

“Yes, it was the most hilarious letter, a brilliant practical joke. I almost lost my mind reading it! Everyone on the board was rolling on the floor! Who knew your mother could be so funny? Which reminds me, I still need to thank her for it.”

Suddenly overcome with the panic of not only her mother discovering her fake co-op letter, but her whole plan misfiring, Lucie found herself blurting out, “Ms. Ferrer, there are some things I think you ought to know about Rosemary Zao!”

“Oh, and what might that be?”

“She’s not the woman you think she is.”

“What do you mean? Aren’t your families very close?”

“I wouldn’t exactly call it that. Rosemary has been trying to cultivate my mother all summer, and as you know, Mom just tries to be polite to everyone.”

“She does, doesn’t she? Your mother is very polite.”

“If you must know, Mrs. Zao is very social —when I first met her in Italy, she told me about all the wild parties she used to go to in Lan Kwai Fong,” Lucie said, taking her own liberties with the truth.

“What’s Lan Kwai Fong?”

“It’s the red-light district of Hong Kong.”fn1

“My goodness! Was Rosemary one of those Suzie Wong party girls?”

“I don’t know what that is, but she did party. She partied very hard.”

“I can’t even imagine. She seems so fastidious and well put together. I love her understated elegance.”

“Let me show you something, Ms. Ferrer.” Lucie took out her phone and found a group photo she had taken at the Peking duck dinner. She zoomed in on Rosemary striking a flamboyant pose in one of her signature rainbow-colored sequined caftans.

“That’s Mrs. Zao?” Ms. Ferrer stared at the screen in disbelief.

“Uh-huh.”

“Why is she wearing kabuki makeup?”

“She’s not. That’s how she normally looks.”

“You don’t say! And those Christmas ornaments around her neck … this wasn’t some theme party?”

“It was just a family dinner, and those aren’t Christmas ornaments, Ms. Ferrer. Those are real rubies and diamonds, and that’s how Rosemary dresses when she’s not attending co-op board interviews.”

“How interesting …”

Just then, a flush could be heard in one of the toilets connected to the powder room, and Cornelia Guest emerged from behind the door. Acknowledging Lucie and Ms. Ferrer with the briefest of smiles, she quickly washed her hands and left the powder room.

Ms. Ferrer continued. “Well, Lucie, I am quite astonished. Thank you for letting me know all this.”

“You’re quite welcome. Ms. Ferrer, can we keep this conversation totally between us?”

“Absolutely. I take my duties very seriously. Any information provided to the board president shall remain private.”

“Even from my mother?”

“Of course.” Ms. Ferrer patted Lucie’s hand as she left the room.

Lucie leaned against the sink, letting out a groan. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. How much did Cornelia overhear? What would she think now?

Collecting herself, Lucie left the powder room in search of the guest of honor. She had to do as much damage control as she could. She couldn’t let Cornelia, of all people, get the wrong impression of her. Entering the drawing room of the manor house, she found herself face-to-face with Rosemary Zao, who stood chatting with Ms. Ferrer.

Fuck me again, Lucie moaned to herself.

“Lucie! We were just talking about you,” Rosemary said in her usual excitable tone.

“You—you were?” Lucie stammered, noticing that Rosemary was still sporting her new look in a sophisticated but subdued champagne-colored Akris pantsuit accessorized with a stunningly simple amber bead necklace.

“Yes, we were. Actually, Ms. Ferrer, could you excuse us for a minute? I have something important to discuss with Lucie.”

“Certainly,” Ms. Ferrer said, arching an eyebrow.

Rosemary and Lucie went into the adjoining sitting room, and taking a seat on one of the armchairs, Rosemary gave Lucie a sad look. “So, I need you to be very honest with me …”

Lucie took a deep breath, steeling herself. “Okay?”

“Are Freddie and George fighting?”

Oh thank God, I thought Ms. Ferrer ratted on me. “Freddie and George? Not that I know of. Why?”

“George refused to come with me to this gala tonight. In fact, he hasn’t been out to East Hampton two weekends in a row. Normally he can’t wait to drive out the moment he gets off work on Fridays. He said he has too much work, but I don’t believe it.”

“Well, maybe he does have too much work.” She doesn’t know. She doesn’t know one thing that happened between me and George.

“But it’s so strange that he would miss this weekend, especially because he’s been so excited for your mom’s charity gala all summer. Do you know he found the jazz band for your mom? They are the band from the Peace Hotel in Shanghai, and he flew all of them here to New York first class and paid for them to perform tonight.”fn2